Its hard sometimes , I see myself as a person under construction like . I spent all of last year dropping lbs , that meant I was focused on one mind set at the time and forgot the rest. Now , with my physically fitness at a high . I guess that part of me that was under construction is 99% complete with just 1% left , now that I'm not focused on one thing my mind is now aware of other things.
I guess its about life experience , to go through self preservation and to be always improving your self. To be honest , I now realise when you go back into spiritualism there will be forces there trying to knock you off the path. Like people in college or just other things in general , I have never really fitted in to any social groups and have always found the teenagers in high school and in college annoying. I really have never found a true friend , a person with the same interests as me , who I can relate to.
What seems to happen when I socialise with people my own age group is that I end up talking with them then suddenly. I end up looking at them as they from the outside as they talk amongst themselves since they have already clicked together since they find that they need each other to make themselves feel better. Or they the other person buff there ego since they feel to insure themselves.
I'm there just looking how other people my age are so spiteful to each other and mean. I'm just there remaining impartial to everything knowing if I don't these people could socially attack me at any moment they like.
I guess my true 'want' at the moment is to find a true last friend'.
The Greatest is Love
3 years ago
1 comment:
I can relate to that, whenever Ive gotton at all close to others, I just see their motives, like what can this person do for me, the teen years I do recall were drugged years and they hung out with eachother so they could get high and drink, the old guys hung with us for drugs and we let them for alcohol. I could never feel comfortable, i never belonged. Now its more can this one help my carreer, help fix my house, watch the kids for me. everone seems so selfish. One thing Ive thought about alot lately is that I tend to push them away. Any time I meet someone, mind you online its easy. I have got to sites and met great people then months later I just say bye one day and never go to that site again. disconnecting the IMs and changing user id. Im not too sure why except that I see everytime I meet someone and start liking them, I know they will leave in the end, so its better not to get too close to others. I sometimes wish I had a friend, but then it turns around and Im glad I dont, what if they leave, or learn more about me, then leave, or if I just push them away again.
Last time when I tried to shut this body down, I thought tht the one thing that sucks most was that I gave my word that I wouldnt do it. When later I told the social workers that I tried an failed, they looked soo sad because I didnt reach out for them to help me and it was like I let a friend down. They are my friends it seems. They are trying everything they can to help me. I explained at the begining, i had to die because I cant get help because who I am. and whenever I see them, the feeling I get from them is total helplessness, because they now see that I was right, I dont qualify for anything. so they are "pulling strings" and trying harder. Then I keep getting things in a different way. meaning, no one filed these papers for disability when I was in the hospittal. but I got them in the mail, but no one requested them. Now I got a letter from the state saying ofc I am disqualified for medical help, then another letter saying that ive had health coverage for the last 6 years. If I have it and its in the system, then why did they say I cant have it and Im not qualified? Someone is making things happen. today I have to go to the state and be told I cant have whatever this is, i forget, I think its more disabled allowance, not sure tho. But they require documents i dont have :O
Crap sorry Ill shut up. I hope you have a safe day with a few smiles ,)
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