I'm here again

well for those who care,

been busy went back to college , there a few management problems in my college as to campuses have merged together . So, the new college site is really new. But any how my birthday's only four days away. Hopefully I will get a hello kitty camera , since I want to start taking pictures and posting it on my blog.

and also I'am already applying for university , I'am trying to get in and do a biomedical science course or forensic & medical science course.

the feeling of not being here

Today , I went to college and found out we start the first lesson on wednesday , the managment in that college sucks but 'oh , well' what can I do.

Well , as the days pass , lately I have been feeling disconnected from my surroundings . Its weird its like I'am siting or standing with people and there all talking. It just feels like I'am there but just not present. Its weird , when I think my 18th birthday is coming and I think I should have some goals of how I want to spend my adult years . Like getting married , having children but I don't want any of that . I know people might say 'well , you're still young , still have time ' but really , I mean what I say , I don't want any of that . Not even children , so I guess what does that say about me .

I feel like , I'am here to do something more than be average , I guess I'am saying if going to spend my present life doing something . It might aswell be , something amazing since I see getting married as being stuck in one frame of mind . Where as a female you make that decision that stay in one place , and look after your offspring .

I'm sorry but I can't do that , may be I'am just too vain

The vampire diaries

For who ever had read the books from L.J smith , know that these are books about supernatural romance. You can say that the vampire diaries are like pre- twilght as the books came out way before twilight therefore it bares no resemblence to the twilght story.

But as the vampire craze is still hot in america , they took out a tv show out of the books.

Well here the description:

The first book introduces the reader to Elena Gilbert, a beautiful and popular high school student in the small town of Fell's Church, Virginia, and her friends Bonnie, Meredith, Matt, and Caroline, Elena's old friend who now is her competition. Elena breaks up with her boyfriend and best friend, Matt, who is a football star, when school starts (they were not together over the summer). They were the golden couple; she was blonde and popular, but she felt that there were no fireworks in their relationship, and she wanted more. As their senior year begins, Elena pursues the mysterious new guy in town, Stefan Salvatore. He is staying in Ms. Flowers' old remote house. Stefan rejects Elena's advances, and as the school's most popular girl, she makes up an imaginary boyfriend that she met over the summer, later explaining to Matt that it was made up: he was the handsome married gardener. Elena also hangs out at the cemetery at her parents' grave site.

Stefan's resistance is met with Elena's determination, and she eventually discovers his secret: Stefan is a centuries-old vampire. As Elena and Stefan fall in love, strange attacks begin to happen in the town while a dark and seductive stranger appears to Elena. He is eventually revealed to be Stefan's older brother, Damon. In Renaissance Italy, the brothers both fell in love with a young vampire named Katherine, who later committed suicide after the two brothers turned against each other. They fought for her love and she decided to choose them both as lovers and exchanged blood with them, turning them both vampires. Fueled with rage, the brothers killed each other but woke up as vampires. The Awakening ends with Elena seeking out Damon whom she believes to be the prime suspect for Stefan's disappearance after the townspeople begin to suspect the latter to be behind the recent murder of the school's social studies teacher during the Halloween Haunted House, and the strange attacks.

Here's the changes they did in the show.

The television series has changed many things in adapting the novels to screen. Some minor changes include characters' last names being changed and their relationships to each other somewhat altered. Some major changes include renaming the town the story is set in. Fell's Church was changed to Mystic Falls, as producers were unable to get legal clearance for the name. Also, Jeremy Gilbert, Elena's younger brother, is not a character in the novels (Elena instead has a little sister named Margaret). Similarly, the character of Jenna Sommers, Elena's aunt, was originally named Judith Gilbert in the novels. The character of Bonnie in the novels was a red head and a descendant to the Druids, in the TV series she appears African-American and is a descendant of the Salem witches. Also Vicki and Matt are brother and sister in the TV series but aren't in the novels.

Both Damon's and Stefan's back stories have also been changed. Instead of hailing from Renaissance Italy, Stefan and Damon appear to be from Civil War-era Mystic Falls. Another addition is Zach, Stefan and Damon's human relative, as this character never appeared in the novels. Also, in the novels, Elena is described as a blonde, blue-eyed, "ice princess", whereas in the show she is a brown-eyed brunette. In the books, Caroline is also depicted as an "Egyptian Princess", where in the show she has blonde hair and blue eyes.^[8] Elena's other best friend Meredith from the novel is not in the TV series. However, it has been hinted that she will eventually appea

started college today

started college today its was more an induction day but we start for real next monday. Can't wait to start my first maths lesson this saturday , I think its a small group thing which I think is nice.

Also found that my previous teachers who taught me last term , quit . Which sucks big time since I had already become fimilar with them . Now I found that theres new teachers which are three instead of two and there all male. Which I hope will help calm down the boys which have the mental age of a 5 year old boy. Since there behaviour clearly reflects that.

start college tomorrow

Well going by the email recieved , I start college tomorrow at 9:00 am . I'am excited to start college but its almost like a manic exciting since its like I'am really happy then when I settle down its like I'm kind of drained.

To Johnz I thank you for your comments that you leave behind and don't worry about saying anything wrong since you never do.

My thoughts at the moment are becoming quite morbid to say , in past I had constant thoughts like

'What would happen if stood in front of a bus?'
or I would hold my breathe in the bath underwater to see how long I could hold my breathe to see if I could pass out.

In the past I would do these kind of things and lets say other things , which weren't pleasant. I guess my last summer holidays , was like rehab for my mind. I remember how in my younger teens , I was griped by periods of extreme terror it was a horrible period of life.

But , to really say I'am recovered of that mental 'plague' I can't really say yes since its like saying an alcoholic will never think about drinking again. So , I guess I can say that those thoughts , feelings and actions won't ever completly go away but its how I deal with is what makes the difference.

I can say sometimes it hard since I'am not fortunate enough to have support systems like other people do . I guess I'am my own support system , which I'am there motivating myself to carry on working hard , to not give up. Its kind of ironic since I'am there motivating myself but on the other hand my mind is giving me morbid images and I'am there sometimes having feelings of terror.

Monday - still waiting

well I'm still waiting for the college to send the letter saying what day I start but on the other hand got an letter saying that i start this Saturday maths classes. This morning went to the gym and did weight training with my dad and did the last ten minutes of cardio and a step machine thing. Well in regards to my health , I look at it scientifically since I look at the numbers and know that I'm not the tallest person in the world so I see my goal weight as a healthy weight.

I stopped counting calories since right now its impossible to estimate how many calories there in the food I eat . Since my mother cooks the food so its hard to know the amount of calories there are in the food , so I rely on portion control. Since in my younger years I used to eat really horribly where most of my food used to consist of junk food and lots of red bull. I really hated the way I looked before since being overweight made me look short . I guess I never really compared myself with anyone it was more me noticing that I was starting to wear bigger sizes so that was what really shocked me.

Now I know that weight issues will stay with me for a long time , so foods like pizza ,MacDonald's , chocolate , potato chips and biscuits . Are foods I can't eat since I know that I would overeat on these foods 100% of time. I'm not sad about not eating these foods since I know by staying away from those types of foods I'm helping myself mentally and physically.

not the most exciting day

sundays not the most exciting day but more for relaxing the muscles and brain before monday starts. Well I think I have lost half a pound so thats fine , healthy weight loss since hoping to get to 120lbs for my 18th birthday so I will be comfortable with a four pound fluctucation . Well at 120 lbs I know I will have that lean look and would be comfortable with that.

I know that getting at a certain weight , won't mean instant happiness just to say that i'am not that naive. But, I guess I see it as improving my quality of life.

alone on saturdays

well my haircut does look almost like the picture posted on my previous post , anyway on saturdays my dad goes for a game of volleyball with my brother and sister so they go to the park. This has now been a social thing for them to do in the holidays , I went with them a couple of time but have become sick of looking at that park since I haven't really got anything to do there. So I have decided to stay at home on those saturdays , I have to admit it is kind of lonely . I know its my choice to stay home.

I guess on saturdays I kind of sit down and relax my muscle from the weeks workout at the gym and martial arts classes. I think about right now how much I have changed from two years ago and see now how things are.

But .... I confess now that there are things there that linger , self - abuse and disordered eating . Which I think is a genetic thing since my mother also has a more serve disordered eating than me , I make sure I eat but on the other hand my mother sometimes skips meals . But I think these problems are not that bad than before since I'am making sure on finding ways of fixing these problems.

Tired

came back from kids martial arts training and I'am completly tired my body feels like one big bruise. Since in the morning I went to the gym did some cardio and weights , so that left me also feeling sore. Also had a haircut today , its short but not really short . My hair is really thick so I like when the hairstylist uses that razor to thin the hair out but the think is my dad is not so big in me having short hair since he likes girls with long hairs. But he doesn't understand for a person like me who is active its annoying to have thick hair and it growing since when it grows it feels like a wig.

Also I got back my natural hair colour which is black , since before I dyed my hair it was left looking brown but with this haircut all the dyed hair came out. And the funny thing is I got strains of white hair showing , its visible and I'am only 17 . I don't mind , I actually like it since I think it may be showing my wisdom . hahahahaha

forbidden love

Just saw an australian soap called home and away , where there was the story of an 18 year old being attracted to an middle aged doctor. But , one thing I really don't like is how they make the young girls attraction to the doctor look sleazy. Where I see it as she already an adult , I guess it makes me thing that in todays society love has restriction . Since I see it as you can't help who you fall in love with.

So, if the love is in the right mind set 'why is it such a bad thing?' Obviously there's issues of young girls of age not being mentally mature but that also implies to women already in there twenties and still haven't matured mentally.

So, my opionion is if the love is pure and honest it doesn't what appearance it takes.

awake at 3:45am

seriously I'am awake at this time , I woke up once than again with extreme hungar pangs . Ate a couple of brazil nuts and no chewing gum. I tried going back to sleep but can't once I wake up , I find it hard to go sleep again.

Well I want to say thank you for the comments left behind by Johnz and alison , like in regards to the symptoms I had treatment done last summer in south america . Where I had course of injections in my chest , back , spine and head. Where this liquid was used to help treat my nervous system , which was extremely irritated. Came back from south america feeling softer and happier than a bunch of roses.

Also found out that I'am going back to college , earlier like next wednesday but 'OH WELL' . Its like I have been buying new clothes over the summer , since I had been wearing a lot of my fat clothes so now I got clothes better fitted for the new smaller version of me. I guess I want to go back college with a better mind set.

Getting manic again... I think

This couple of days I have been going back a slippery slope , where some symptoms I used have a year ago are resurfacing. well I used to be quite manic before , where there used to be huge highs and I would be shakey and all over the place. Then the huge lows ......

The manic periods got quite serve that my right hand would start shaking then my right arm would hurt. This kind of refers to my previous post of the internal battle right now , where my manic self is fighting with my current self. Its really hard , since my dear dad has the attidude of having no b*$&h . Where he told me before I needed a shrink, so I guess its hard to approach your father with topic of mental health.

favourite mangas

Bleach

xxxholic

Vampire knight

Good newsss/ hair cut

My dad found a new place for me to learn maths , which is great since there's another test in november for me to study forrrr. I was talking with the lady over the phone , where she came up with the great idea of doing the test in november and see how things are and do the other test next year to see if i can bump up my grades to gurantee my place at university. yeahhhhhhhhhh.

I guess by the time I go to university , I'll be a maths genius , hahahahaha.

Any this is the haircut I want before I go back to college.

15 days till college/ reflecting

so there's 15 days left till college starts , I'am pumped since my summer holidays were bad . Well today I went to the gym , did an hour of cardio. I'am to at least lose to 0.5lb - 2lb by the third week of september. Which would leave at a nice 124lbs , thats like a mini goal , since I want to be 120lbs for my 18th birthday which is on oct 2nd.

When it comes to excerise I train like an athelte . I guess , which is ridiculous since there's no event for me train for. I see my training as improving my quality of life , like when I'am not in the gym and out on the street . I find its much more easier to walk around , to stand for long hours and having increased stamina. Its an big improvement from when I was 154lbs and imagine that on my once 5ft 3inc frame I used to have but than I have grown to 5ft 4inc and the present weight of 125lb-126lb.