long time

Hi there,

Been a long time... Just been busy , stressed or just too tired to blog.
Well tomorrow I'am going to the university open day with my friend , it gonna one of those journeys where I have to go on the underground and travel by train. I guess the trip tomorrow will give some idea how my future journeys will be like once I get to university.

Well this Thursday will be the last day of college since Easter holidays will start on Friday. Which I'm glad but dreading at the same time since my father won't be getting any holidays that means being stuck with my mother and siblings there . Trust me when I say it will be dreadful , so my plan is to use the holidays to study and practice as much as I can for the ballet exam in may.


Right now , I'am just annoyed at particular things like food for example; I really dread the whole notion of eating now and only eat vegetables to smother out any hunger pangs. So far it has been working well , I guess you can say I'm 90% vegetarian the only time I eat chicken or meat is when dinner time arrives since my mother has some make shift dinner ready but even like that the chicken or meat is really small.

This whole going green thing has been doing wonders to my digestive system and it takes the stress about thinking what I'am going eat away.I guess this takes the pressure off in thinking what your gonna eat , making sure its the right portion and how many calories etc.

Any way ... see you all later

Grade 1 ballet / open day university

Hi there , lovely troopers

Well my days have been pretty busy , going to college , learning for maths.

But on a brighter note , I found out yesterday's ballet lesson that on the end of May is my grade 1 examination for ballet. When the my ballet teacher told me I was so happy , she was like 'I don't make any promises but you got to work hard this month to improve' she went on to say 'well what are we going to do about your tattoo ? hmm'

I was laughing my head off when she said that , I didn't take offense to that of course since the my ballet teacher is a really old woman. Then went of say how on the exam I shouldn't have any Jewellery , nail varnish and that my hair should be in a bun. Well, I was thinking 'there goes my haircut... since now I will need to grow out my hair even more to tie it back completely.

Aswell on the exam I will be wearing the leotard and pink tights and some ballet ribbons that I got to tie around my ankles.

This news made me excited , its feel like I'am working hard for a goal. It's like I'am slowly growing my dream over time to make it something bigger in my life.


Oh, at the end of this month . I will be going to a university open day thing with my father where for most of the day we will go in a tour. But , there's catch here with the university my teacher I have in wednesday and thursday's class goes to this university and when I applied for the biomedical course there. Put me in the 3-6 month course in biology and chemistry since the course I'am studying in college doesn't offer enough qualification needed to enter the biomedical course. My teacher says they asked him if he knew me and on that day he had all my coursework I gave to him about microbiology. So he showed them my work and vouched for me and if I do well on this biology and chemistry course I would go into the accelerated study thing where I would finish the course in 3 months opposed to 6months and I would have a guarantee place on the biomedical course I originally chose.


However, on this other university I applied to for the same gave me a conditional offer to the same course , I just need to do well in college and get a c or above in maths. Sooooooooo I'm confused on which one to accept the offer on , since if I think logically about it the course on forensic science I 'am studying in college does teach a lot of science but not really deep enough for that biomedical course . So I'am left think maybe the extra three months of biology and chemistry would give me the extra knowledge I need and plus my teacher goes to that university and he talks to the teachers there. Therefore, thats the reason why I'am going to the open day to see how the university looks like and the course runs and to see whether its worth it.

Leotard/ putting my sister on a pedal stool

This is leotard I order from Ebay
First I want to say Johnz you are a sweetie and I just read your last post. All I can say is 'it Sucks, big time'Well today , I received my ballet tights ... Lots of smiles there . Plus I received a CD as well of ballet music so I can learn how to listen to music and learn to keep on time.

Right now , I can say I have truly fallen in love with Ballet. I really want this to last , its like after each lesson ; I always leave feeling happy. I can say right now the goal is to get on pointe , when you are able to dance on your tip toes like the way ballerinas do. Thats what I want to work towards , see the way they move there feet leaves me enchanted. To be honest I really don't mind now that my sister isn't coming since her cynical remarks about Ballet has left me slightly annoyed and imagine when I brought my ballet shoes , I brought a pair for my sister aswell . Naively thinking that she would be exicted as me wearing them and practicing in them since each time I wear them I feel really special. However , my sister hasn't even touched them second her second lesson all those weeks back. It's not about the money , I could care less about the money its about the meaning behind . That I wanted for once to share the joy I was experiencing in learning such a beautiful art.

I guess , I'm putting my sister on a pedal stool and expecting so much from her. The only thing that keeps my temper in check is just remembering how I was when I was her age and that I had that hard core tomboy attitude going on there.

But, I think I had that mentally for a reason since of the abuse I had and I built that mentality as a coping mechanism. So, I guess I'm left here picking my brain thinking in what in god's name is my sisters reason for behaviouring this way????

I guess , I just wanted this once for someone to share the same interest as me but once again I'm left here embarking on this new adventure alone again since no one I know shares this interest like me.

Self-esteem

Today has been uneventful , just spent the day doing college work. Finished doing two essays which means I finished another unit of work. Yeah me ....

Next weekend my beloved has the weekend of soooooooo him and I are having a get together after being apart for so long. Plus , he will be having more weekends of in the future . Where he will only have to work on weekends every two weeks , you don't know how happy I'm that he has finally changed his work hours . Truly , I have been going crazy without him but I hope doesn't notice my skin too much since it has truly starting to resemble a cobbled road and has the texture of sand paper. HUH :[

I think of the attributes of myself that makes me look grotesque is my skin , at times it looks fine even passable for normal but on the bad days which is now often . It looks horrible.

But, enough of picking apart my self-esteem. I guess when it comes to deeper issues of my person appearance , I tend to ignore other details of myself since I know if I address those issues like now. I will start picking apart all my physical flaws , just trust me it won't be pretty.

Two halves

Hi there ,

Yesterday I had ballet , loved every second of it . Even through it was super-duper hard but loved every second of it. Well by the looks of it I will be continuing the lessons by myself , my father called out yesterday for me to get ready . So I did, I went downstairs to see if my sister was getting ready but she was sat on the couch playing on the games console and made no attempt to get ready. When it was time to go my little brother tagged along with us and my father looked at my sister and said 'you're staying alone?'

My sister said 'yeah, don't worry I got the dog for company' , I didn't say anything or confronted my sister on why she was coming . By her expression while playing the game before it was time to go was of annoyance so we went with out her.

Well, I was disappointed that she had clearly ignored that I was going ballet but she's in that mentally of thinking she's right in everything. I mean that deeply in every sense since I know people would 'but , oh kids think there right'

But , people don't us and how our brain biology is . When you see my brother and sister you think they both are two halves of my personality , my brother 'fun , affectioned , soft' But also 'lazy , insensitive , needy' While my sister is 'warm , playful , charming and intelligent' But also 'malicious , domineering , a plays mental mind games'

It's like there two parts of me , that my sister has that close mindness that I had when I was younger but have very little of these days. You're think 'why?' its not like my sister has been abused like I was but the only reason I could think of is she has been through what I went through with my mother . Where in the past my mother would talk to me as a child about her worries , her stress and damaging things that happened in her childhood.

This conversations has left a deep divide in my relationship with my mother , it wasn't until recently my father and I had found out my mother was doing the same with my sister since my sister confessed to my father that shes was deeply confused by the conversations she has with my mother.

Of course my father was enraged that my mother could be doing this again , using her children as shrinks. By telling her children her psychological problems .

I know I must sound cruel , with the way I describe my brother and sister and may even sound egotistical by saying they have two halves of my personality but my father agrees with my observations. Since with me I have these flaws but have had hard and painful lessons in learning how to correct them however , my fear for them is that they have a very different upbringing than I have had . That they won't be able to learn and develop into being something more than what designed in there genes , something I know that's my own thinking is believing in the impossible when your own mind says its not possible.

That's something I'am trying to teach my siblings , that not stay in that box that was designed for them before birth.

'That admitting when there afraid to step outside the box is not a sign if weakness but a sign of courage.'

Playing hooky

I was so tired last night, I was downstairs in the sitting with my father downstairs with my siblings. I was there slumped on the couch , feeling so drained and zone out , I had one shoe on and the other off in addition I was half asleep. My father looked at me said 'oh, god you look really tired darling'

I slowly turned my head with my eyes half open and said 'I don't want to go to college tomorrow', he said 'what?' , I repeated 'I don't want to go to college tomorrow , I'am so burn out'

He looked sympathetic and said 'if you have nothing urgent to do tomorrow , stay home' .

I let out a sight of relief , I thought 'Thank god'

Prior to that I was trying to psych myself mentally to get to college today but the thought of going today made my wanna cry.

So I spent the day today just getting an extra hours sleep and doing things at a slower rate but I did feel extremely guilty for not going . Felt like I was being lazy and was like questioning whether I worked hard enough to deserve a day off....

I guess my need to feel like I earned things is quite strong since in the past my parents would tell me I was spoiled and had everything a little kid would want. Of course things are different now but I feel like I'm forever trying break that image of younger spoiled me away and trying to mold a hard working person , who worked hard enough to deserve things and privileges.

Since everyone else is complaining , I'm just here fighting silently.

Can't believe tomorrow , it's gonna be wednesday . Feels like the week is all ready ending and I just spent it doing work. But , hay what can I say ?

At least I'am doing something right?

My younger brother at the moment is sick with some sort of bug but his doing better. Feels like everyone around is either getting sick or going mentally sick, where there running around going worried about one another . They tend to forget about the person who doesn't say 'I'm feeling crappy'. Since everyone else is complaining , I'm just here fighting silently.


Cause, I learn't long ago that clawing at your loved ones leg saying 'I feel bad , I feel alone , I want a hug doesn't work'. You get the odd long and the brush as to say 'get a grip'

Feels like I have been working so hard recently and for what ?

Sometimes I would like to get recognition for the work I do, for someone to say 'it's ok, I know you have been working hard, or you've worked hard'. But, as you get older I guess people assume you can do anything. Maybe I want some one to stop and look at me and say 'Do you want to talk?'

And sit down and listen to me, I really don't have anyone to do that with . Just my shadow....

Currently my brain feels alittle like mush , and I'am starting to think I'am hallucinating or just finally opening my eyes to the unknown. Some one told me once I wasn't normal ... can 't remember who and can't remember whether it was in a dream or real life. Sometimes it is being lonely being a teenage medium , since knowing the things I know makes it hard to relate to people in this era.

30 days to break and make a habit.

Hi, there Earthlings...

Spent all of sunday doing college work.

This morning went went in for deep tissue massage for all those aching muscles and my ankle.

Right I'am mission to go green in my eating, by making half of what I eat fruits and vegatbles. I see as all the fibre will fill me up quickly. Stop those bread cravings , really I like bread but I have to use all my willpower not to overeat on bread. Its been a week and a bit so far and I have felt the fruit and veg are stopping those cravings for bread.

I didn't go cold turkey off bread I just weaned myself off it. They say it takes 30 days to break and make a habit. S0 I'am 14 days into breaking and making a good habit.

work,work and more work

It's been a busy couple of days for me. It's been work , work and more work.

I can say its been a real testing time for me, my beloved being away at work constantly and the prospect of him being there 9 to 5pm. Has been frightening since this would mean I would be alone. Just having work to fill his absence, kind of feels like I'm a sailor's wife . Waiting for her husband to comeback from sea.....

Well on a brighter note , I finished grade one of bar work in ballet. Big smiles there for me since it has been my 4th lesson today. But , my father was a little temperamental driving me there since he didn't get a good nights sleep and his always grouchy when he doesn't get any sleep. He was like telling my sibling's 'I have to drive your sister to that stupid ballet lesson , or your ballet lesson's is getting in way of my job'

When I heard him say those things , I wanted to cry then . Thinking how insensitive that was for him to say that. When we was coming back he said 'why don't go by yourself next time? , stop being afraid of that old woman'

I looked at him and said ' well its not about the woman , I just like it when we go together you know !?' He realized what he said and his facial expression changed , he said ' I'm just kidding , I'm sorry I did not get a good nights sleep yesterday'

I know my father long enough to know that when his get less than 5hours sleep, he gets a little bitchy with people. His comments to me while driving me to the lesson made me nervous while trying to do the movements since I was still upset.

But when I finished the lesson , I left feeling a lot happier since I felt I accomplished something . In addition, my sister didn't come with me again since I think she catched my little brother cold but who knows? I didn't even realized she felt ill since she looked fine. But my father did commented that my sister doesn't really want to do ballet with me .

It makes me sad , that siblings like I in that age are not willing to branch themselves out. My love for ballet , was like love in first sight . When I saw Swan lake in BBC iplayer , I fell in love with the movements and the story and my past live connection with it came into play. Typing this out right now those relief that frustration of having no one vent on about my isolation and my struggles to do my college work and revising with maths.

Well to those who read my posts thanks xxx

completing work

Well , its a sunny day here in London.

Been doing college work and did my maths homework. These next few I got plan carefully about completing college work and having more days in the week where I study more maths at home. Well , last week I injured my right foot . Where on the ridge of my foot it hurt when I step on it, it kinda of annoying since it hinders a bit my workout routine. I could ignore the pain but that would be stupid and worsen the injury.

So march will be a busy month in terms of completing work and such.

Well these last few as well I feel like I gain sense of peace with some aspects of my life. Where , I really don't self-doubt myself sometimes there's those niggling thoughts but I pushed them aside. However , there's thing I have seem to have developed where I really don't want to be in my own skin sometimes like I'm wearing something annoying and I just want to rip it off. A really gruesome thought I think , ripping once own flesh off.

I guess I get annoyed with body sometimes for not performing or functioning the way I want it to. I know people would say you should be greatfull and accept your body the way it is but I say hell no, why would n't try to make my body better . Train my body to work in ways it hasn't , make each day a new learning experience.

Like , yeah I accept my body's shape . There's no denying I can't change my body shape but I can change the way my body performs.