Blooming

Hi there , well my beloved and I made up ...
Smiles there , we had a very honest talk. Which thankly cleared up the air.
Well it looks like summers here since I see all the trees are blooming , I kind of feel like I'am blooming as well.

Ever since my beloved and I had that talk it felt like it has given me that freedom to feel human and the freedom in wanting. It like for so long , I have kept this intense control over my emotions since I was so afraid that if I just let myself 'feel' I would be back where I was four years ago. But through my converstation with my beloved , I found that I don't need to have this intense control since I have developed the mental skills needed to 'feel' and this was something I didn't have all those years ago.

In torment

Not doing so good at the moment , my beloved and I got into a tiff. He going on about how his going to let his beard grow and that he doesn't about my opinion regarding that and that his tired of trying to make people happy. That his looking at dating sites , about trying to find some one else to date , don't really know whether his bluffing or telling the truth. But , with him when we get into disagreements like this ; its like playing a game of chicken. Which one will gave first and beg for forgiveness.

But the trouble is , I here literally banging my head against the wall. Being unable to take this mental torture anymore. Trying my hardest not to overeat on food , which I think I'am successfully avoiding.

I really can't this anymore, he just doesn't realize the affect his words have on me. Where his rejection and critical words leave me in torment and contemplating suicide. I know it sounds dramatic but his the only person I can turn to.

To top it all of, tomorrow at 11:20am I have to go to the doctors to about starting the pill. This whole pill business , is new to me and since I haven't had me period for over a year now I wonder how this will affect me , when I start taking the pill.

I'm still alive

Hello, I'm alive or a least I think I'am
The end of the two week Easter holidays are coming to a close and I feel these two weeks I have had a chance to reflect and come to some realization about some choices I have made. I have recently stopped ignoring my hormonal disorder, which my means my fertility is really dodgy. Since I haven't a period in 1 year and 3 months , plus I get bad outbreaks of acne and hirutism (excess body hair).

Pretty much my condition , which has no cure and can only be managed; means I have unnatural high levels of testosterone in my system. That means I have a bit more masculine features than I like. Well my condition is mild since if I was overweight the symptoms would be more serve , therefore I have my good days and my bad days where I get breakouts of all sorts.
Well after coming back from a doctors appointment last tuesday , I went and bleached (peroxide) my arms since I was fed up with seeing how dark and how much hair was on my arms. I'm happy to say that it worked and the bleached the hair on my arms blonde , which creates the illusion that there isn't any hair on my arms.


However, my condition means that I can't gain weight over five lbs since it means my symptoms would get worse. Which is a bummer.

long time

Hi there,

Been a long time... Just been busy , stressed or just too tired to blog.
Well tomorrow I'am going to the university open day with my friend , it gonna one of those journeys where I have to go on the underground and travel by train. I guess the trip tomorrow will give some idea how my future journeys will be like once I get to university.

Well this Thursday will be the last day of college since Easter holidays will start on Friday. Which I'm glad but dreading at the same time since my father won't be getting any holidays that means being stuck with my mother and siblings there . Trust me when I say it will be dreadful , so my plan is to use the holidays to study and practice as much as I can for the ballet exam in may.


Right now , I'am just annoyed at particular things like food for example; I really dread the whole notion of eating now and only eat vegetables to smother out any hunger pangs. So far it has been working well , I guess you can say I'm 90% vegetarian the only time I eat chicken or meat is when dinner time arrives since my mother has some make shift dinner ready but even like that the chicken or meat is really small.

This whole going green thing has been doing wonders to my digestive system and it takes the stress about thinking what I'am going eat away.I guess this takes the pressure off in thinking what your gonna eat , making sure its the right portion and how many calories etc.

Any way ... see you all later

Grade 1 ballet / open day university

Hi there , lovely troopers

Well my days have been pretty busy , going to college , learning for maths.

But on a brighter note , I found out yesterday's ballet lesson that on the end of May is my grade 1 examination for ballet. When the my ballet teacher told me I was so happy , she was like 'I don't make any promises but you got to work hard this month to improve' she went on to say 'well what are we going to do about your tattoo ? hmm'

I was laughing my head off when she said that , I didn't take offense to that of course since the my ballet teacher is a really old woman. Then went of say how on the exam I shouldn't have any Jewellery , nail varnish and that my hair should be in a bun. Well, I was thinking 'there goes my haircut... since now I will need to grow out my hair even more to tie it back completely.

Aswell on the exam I will be wearing the leotard and pink tights and some ballet ribbons that I got to tie around my ankles.

This news made me excited , its feel like I'am working hard for a goal. It's like I'am slowly growing my dream over time to make it something bigger in my life.


Oh, at the end of this month . I will be going to a university open day thing with my father where for most of the day we will go in a tour. But , there's catch here with the university my teacher I have in wednesday and thursday's class goes to this university and when I applied for the biomedical course there. Put me in the 3-6 month course in biology and chemistry since the course I'am studying in college doesn't offer enough qualification needed to enter the biomedical course. My teacher says they asked him if he knew me and on that day he had all my coursework I gave to him about microbiology. So he showed them my work and vouched for me and if I do well on this biology and chemistry course I would go into the accelerated study thing where I would finish the course in 3 months opposed to 6months and I would have a guarantee place on the biomedical course I originally chose.


However, on this other university I applied to for the same gave me a conditional offer to the same course , I just need to do well in college and get a c or above in maths. Sooooooooo I'm confused on which one to accept the offer on , since if I think logically about it the course on forensic science I 'am studying in college does teach a lot of science but not really deep enough for that biomedical course . So I'am left think maybe the extra three months of biology and chemistry would give me the extra knowledge I need and plus my teacher goes to that university and he talks to the teachers there. Therefore, thats the reason why I'am going to the open day to see how the university looks like and the course runs and to see whether its worth it.

Leotard/ putting my sister on a pedal stool

This is leotard I order from Ebay
First I want to say Johnz you are a sweetie and I just read your last post. All I can say is 'it Sucks, big time'Well today , I received my ballet tights ... Lots of smiles there . Plus I received a CD as well of ballet music so I can learn how to listen to music and learn to keep on time.

Right now , I can say I have truly fallen in love with Ballet. I really want this to last , its like after each lesson ; I always leave feeling happy. I can say right now the goal is to get on pointe , when you are able to dance on your tip toes like the way ballerinas do. Thats what I want to work towards , see the way they move there feet leaves me enchanted. To be honest I really don't mind now that my sister isn't coming since her cynical remarks about Ballet has left me slightly annoyed and imagine when I brought my ballet shoes , I brought a pair for my sister aswell . Naively thinking that she would be exicted as me wearing them and practicing in them since each time I wear them I feel really special. However , my sister hasn't even touched them second her second lesson all those weeks back. It's not about the money , I could care less about the money its about the meaning behind . That I wanted for once to share the joy I was experiencing in learning such a beautiful art.

I guess , I'm putting my sister on a pedal stool and expecting so much from her. The only thing that keeps my temper in check is just remembering how I was when I was her age and that I had that hard core tomboy attitude going on there.

But, I think I had that mentally for a reason since of the abuse I had and I built that mentality as a coping mechanism. So, I guess I'm left here picking my brain thinking in what in god's name is my sisters reason for behaviouring this way????

I guess , I just wanted this once for someone to share the same interest as me but once again I'm left here embarking on this new adventure alone again since no one I know shares this interest like me.

Self-esteem

Today has been uneventful , just spent the day doing college work. Finished doing two essays which means I finished another unit of work. Yeah me ....

Next weekend my beloved has the weekend of soooooooo him and I are having a get together after being apart for so long. Plus , he will be having more weekends of in the future . Where he will only have to work on weekends every two weeks , you don't know how happy I'm that he has finally changed his work hours . Truly , I have been going crazy without him but I hope doesn't notice my skin too much since it has truly starting to resemble a cobbled road and has the texture of sand paper. HUH :[

I think of the attributes of myself that makes me look grotesque is my skin , at times it looks fine even passable for normal but on the bad days which is now often . It looks horrible.

But, enough of picking apart my self-esteem. I guess when it comes to deeper issues of my person appearance , I tend to ignore other details of myself since I know if I address those issues like now. I will start picking apart all my physical flaws , just trust me it won't be pretty.

Two halves

Hi there ,

Yesterday I had ballet , loved every second of it . Even through it was super-duper hard but loved every second of it. Well by the looks of it I will be continuing the lessons by myself , my father called out yesterday for me to get ready . So I did, I went downstairs to see if my sister was getting ready but she was sat on the couch playing on the games console and made no attempt to get ready. When it was time to go my little brother tagged along with us and my father looked at my sister and said 'you're staying alone?'

My sister said 'yeah, don't worry I got the dog for company' , I didn't say anything or confronted my sister on why she was coming . By her expression while playing the game before it was time to go was of annoyance so we went with out her.

Well, I was disappointed that she had clearly ignored that I was going ballet but she's in that mentally of thinking she's right in everything. I mean that deeply in every sense since I know people would 'but , oh kids think there right'

But , people don't us and how our brain biology is . When you see my brother and sister you think they both are two halves of my personality , my brother 'fun , affectioned , soft' But also 'lazy , insensitive , needy' While my sister is 'warm , playful , charming and intelligent' But also 'malicious , domineering , a plays mental mind games'

It's like there two parts of me , that my sister has that close mindness that I had when I was younger but have very little of these days. You're think 'why?' its not like my sister has been abused like I was but the only reason I could think of is she has been through what I went through with my mother . Where in the past my mother would talk to me as a child about her worries , her stress and damaging things that happened in her childhood.

This conversations has left a deep divide in my relationship with my mother , it wasn't until recently my father and I had found out my mother was doing the same with my sister since my sister confessed to my father that shes was deeply confused by the conversations she has with my mother.

Of course my father was enraged that my mother could be doing this again , using her children as shrinks. By telling her children her psychological problems .

I know I must sound cruel , with the way I describe my brother and sister and may even sound egotistical by saying they have two halves of my personality but my father agrees with my observations. Since with me I have these flaws but have had hard and painful lessons in learning how to correct them however , my fear for them is that they have a very different upbringing than I have had . That they won't be able to learn and develop into being something more than what designed in there genes , something I know that's my own thinking is believing in the impossible when your own mind says its not possible.

That's something I'am trying to teach my siblings , that not stay in that box that was designed for them before birth.

'That admitting when there afraid to step outside the box is not a sign if weakness but a sign of courage.'

Playing hooky

I was so tired last night, I was downstairs in the sitting with my father downstairs with my siblings. I was there slumped on the couch , feeling so drained and zone out , I had one shoe on and the other off in addition I was half asleep. My father looked at me said 'oh, god you look really tired darling'

I slowly turned my head with my eyes half open and said 'I don't want to go to college tomorrow', he said 'what?' , I repeated 'I don't want to go to college tomorrow , I'am so burn out'

He looked sympathetic and said 'if you have nothing urgent to do tomorrow , stay home' .

I let out a sight of relief , I thought 'Thank god'

Prior to that I was trying to psych myself mentally to get to college today but the thought of going today made my wanna cry.

So I spent the day today just getting an extra hours sleep and doing things at a slower rate but I did feel extremely guilty for not going . Felt like I was being lazy and was like questioning whether I worked hard enough to deserve a day off....

I guess my need to feel like I earned things is quite strong since in the past my parents would tell me I was spoiled and had everything a little kid would want. Of course things are different now but I feel like I'm forever trying break that image of younger spoiled me away and trying to mold a hard working person , who worked hard enough to deserve things and privileges.

Since everyone else is complaining , I'm just here fighting silently.

Can't believe tomorrow , it's gonna be wednesday . Feels like the week is all ready ending and I just spent it doing work. But , hay what can I say ?

At least I'am doing something right?

My younger brother at the moment is sick with some sort of bug but his doing better. Feels like everyone around is either getting sick or going mentally sick, where there running around going worried about one another . They tend to forget about the person who doesn't say 'I'm feeling crappy'. Since everyone else is complaining , I'm just here fighting silently.


Cause, I learn't long ago that clawing at your loved ones leg saying 'I feel bad , I feel alone , I want a hug doesn't work'. You get the odd long and the brush as to say 'get a grip'

Feels like I have been working so hard recently and for what ?

Sometimes I would like to get recognition for the work I do, for someone to say 'it's ok, I know you have been working hard, or you've worked hard'. But, as you get older I guess people assume you can do anything. Maybe I want some one to stop and look at me and say 'Do you want to talk?'

And sit down and listen to me, I really don't have anyone to do that with . Just my shadow....

Currently my brain feels alittle like mush , and I'am starting to think I'am hallucinating or just finally opening my eyes to the unknown. Some one told me once I wasn't normal ... can 't remember who and can't remember whether it was in a dream or real life. Sometimes it is being lonely being a teenage medium , since knowing the things I know makes it hard to relate to people in this era.

30 days to break and make a habit.

Hi, there Earthlings...

Spent all of sunday doing college work.

This morning went went in for deep tissue massage for all those aching muscles and my ankle.

Right I'am mission to go green in my eating, by making half of what I eat fruits and vegatbles. I see as all the fibre will fill me up quickly. Stop those bread cravings , really I like bread but I have to use all my willpower not to overeat on bread. Its been a week and a bit so far and I have felt the fruit and veg are stopping those cravings for bread.

I didn't go cold turkey off bread I just weaned myself off it. They say it takes 30 days to break and make a habit. S0 I'am 14 days into breaking and making a good habit.

work,work and more work

It's been a busy couple of days for me. It's been work , work and more work.

I can say its been a real testing time for me, my beloved being away at work constantly and the prospect of him being there 9 to 5pm. Has been frightening since this would mean I would be alone. Just having work to fill his absence, kind of feels like I'm a sailor's wife . Waiting for her husband to comeback from sea.....

Well on a brighter note , I finished grade one of bar work in ballet. Big smiles there for me since it has been my 4th lesson today. But , my father was a little temperamental driving me there since he didn't get a good nights sleep and his always grouchy when he doesn't get any sleep. He was like telling my sibling's 'I have to drive your sister to that stupid ballet lesson , or your ballet lesson's is getting in way of my job'

When I heard him say those things , I wanted to cry then . Thinking how insensitive that was for him to say that. When we was coming back he said 'why don't go by yourself next time? , stop being afraid of that old woman'

I looked at him and said ' well its not about the woman , I just like it when we go together you know !?' He realized what he said and his facial expression changed , he said ' I'm just kidding , I'm sorry I did not get a good nights sleep yesterday'

I know my father long enough to know that when his get less than 5hours sleep, he gets a little bitchy with people. His comments to me while driving me to the lesson made me nervous while trying to do the movements since I was still upset.

But when I finished the lesson , I left feeling a lot happier since I felt I accomplished something . In addition, my sister didn't come with me again since I think she catched my little brother cold but who knows? I didn't even realized she felt ill since she looked fine. But my father did commented that my sister doesn't really want to do ballet with me .

It makes me sad , that siblings like I in that age are not willing to branch themselves out. My love for ballet , was like love in first sight . When I saw Swan lake in BBC iplayer , I fell in love with the movements and the story and my past live connection with it came into play. Typing this out right now those relief that frustration of having no one vent on about my isolation and my struggles to do my college work and revising with maths.

Well to those who read my posts thanks xxx

completing work

Well , its a sunny day here in London.

Been doing college work and did my maths homework. These next few I got plan carefully about completing college work and having more days in the week where I study more maths at home. Well , last week I injured my right foot . Where on the ridge of my foot it hurt when I step on it, it kinda of annoying since it hinders a bit my workout routine. I could ignore the pain but that would be stupid and worsen the injury.

So march will be a busy month in terms of completing work and such.

Well these last few as well I feel like I gain sense of peace with some aspects of my life. Where , I really don't self-doubt myself sometimes there's those niggling thoughts but I pushed them aside. However , there's thing I have seem to have developed where I really don't want to be in my own skin sometimes like I'm wearing something annoying and I just want to rip it off. A really gruesome thought I think , ripping once own flesh off.

I guess I get annoyed with body sometimes for not performing or functioning the way I want it to. I know people would say you should be greatfull and accept your body the way it is but I say hell no, why would n't try to make my body better . Train my body to work in ways it hasn't , make each day a new learning experience.

Like , yeah I accept my body's shape . There's no denying I can't change my body shape but I can change the way my body performs.

Meditating /Ballet

Hi there ,

I know it's been some time since I posted. I have been feeling mostly tried and busy with college , well today was officially my third ballet lesson. My sister came with me this time , I can tell she's only coming since 1. she doesn't want anyone saying anything critical of her and 2. I think she's coming just for me.

Well to be honest my sister coming today , got me confused while doing the movements since the old woman was giving mysister direction but I thought she was telling me and it got me confozzled.

The lesson was hard today but fun . Even after the third lesson that spark in me to learn was still great. It pushed my brain more to think in a different perspective and learn how to move on counts.

Also three days ago I kinda of injured my right foot and my ankle is a little swollen so got to use Sunday to rest my foot. Since this week I will focusing on my work for college since I released there's only three months till my maths test and three left of this course. Da, DAAAAAAAA

I feel like the year is going quickly already , but I will my sure to try to make each day productive and full filling.

In addition , I have started mediation again since I feel I'm ready . What I'm doing is process of confronting negative emotions. The first one is self doubt .. While everyone I know is telling me I can do it , I'm telling myself it looks impossible . So confronted that emotion in my meditation . Spent the next two days as through I was being purged of the self doubt I had. Then I proceeded to confront Fear. My fear of old age , which in my mind would result in death and being old would mean it would be end of enjoying life , and also confronting my fear of gaining all the weight I lost and ballooning even more.

You could say I spent next two day being purged of all those irrational fears as well. I will say this it does not mean that feeling fear and doubt has completely gone away I will foolish in saying that but what has happened is I'm slowly being released of these fear that rules my life.

In addition , when meditating I saw the energy that is in the crown of the head which looks like a lotus flower . Well I saw mine , obviously its not a lotus flower but its kinda of shaped like one. It was gold looking and flowey. I felt like I was powered up with this energy and new sense of wisdom.

Well I'am taking this meditation slowly and hoping this will help in the up coming battles I have ...

what we are

What are we?,

God's image ?

Or just evolution ?

If we are evolution , does that mean god is envolving with us? or are we're evolving to become god.

Now I know for sure , male and female were born together in god's image. Therefore, its a reflection that there a balance in everything. Like good and evil , bad and good , hot and cold , young and old , sweet and sour.

So god also comes in two.

From my memories of the 'past' I know that the first human had great abilities but the need for these great abilities became less and was forgottten over time.

I wonder about if there are other people in the world who share my memories? it would be nice to talk to some one who knows , the feelings and regret over what was. I here when we are recarnated we choose are parents for what ever reason. I know I chose mine since it was a way for my beloved and I to stay together even if our situation meant our age would be an obstacle.

It was '50s' , we went to those swinging parties dancing the night away. I had blonde curled hair and wore deep red lipstick. Something happened and we died and our era and place meant the closest people we could find were the people we fond and chose as parents.

Well I don't what happened that made us chose those people but we paid the price in staying close. My love and I's childhood are very similar strangely , we were born the same month. We were the first born. We both had a parent that was incapable of being a parent.

I feel like I'am dwelling a little in the past , time break the cycle of what this life was meant to be. My way of rebelling against the injustice of the price paid, is to do the oppostie of what I'am meant not to do.

Wall of motivation plus two lesson's down

Two days ago , I decided to make a wall of motivation. Where I stuck up the university letter , maths statement entry and ballet. I thought to myself that if I don't see things that I need to do I go into denial and think it ain't happening being maths the number one important thing here.

So every time I look up , when I'm sitting where my lap top is . I can remind myself on the important things I'm working at.

Well today has been officially my second lesson of ballet. Plus last Wednesday I brought ballet shoes for my sister and I however my sister decided to go swimming with my mother and younger brother therefore my father took me to ballet alone. The good thing was my father was at least there.

Its shame my sister missed today's lesson . I learnt new positions , while I felt like a giant making the old woman's house shake with each jump. It was great I felt I was challenging myself and body with all the excerises I was doing. It was difficult but worth it. Since I feel I'am the first of my family to challenge their beliefs about themselves and how far there willing to go out from there comfort zone. Because anyone who knows would be like '

ichigo ballet?, nah ... who don't look like the type'

Besides I felt really special wearing my first ballet shoes.

Questions but no answers

Well that's annoying the link didn't work. :(

Today has been been not so good for me... I have come down with a cold urgh

So I feel like crap.

The funny thing is these three days I have been seeing more ghosts , like this morning I went into the gym in the entrance I turned my head and saw a male ghost figure standing behind this advertisement board thing. Also while coming from the gym I saw a black shadow on the road.

But the thing I see all of this things in flashes like a camera , its like a thirty second thing and then its gone. I think it goes quickly since my rational mind comes into play and my brain goes into shock .

There also the whispers I hear , like when I'm sitting down watching T.V with the family and I like hear whispers and turn around to see if anyone is talking but no-one is. Who know what the hell it is, maybe its beginnings of schizophrenia or I'm just simply going mad. ??? lots of questions I have but no answers.

But my biggest question is 'How do I knows things , that are , have happened ?' with out even reading the information or hearing it from another person?? its like the bible series thing I talked about on my previous post. I knew all the information they were saying even before watching the show. Like how did I know that???

I'm not one of those clique mediums , 'oh why me? , why can't I be normal?' I'm past that , I just want answers , yes I admit it those disrupt my life but I can live with it.

Well my next post will be on some past life revelations I have had , so stay tune folks !!!

Feeling pretty today

Hi there , thought I would try something bold and put a face to name . Since , today I feel pretty which doesn't happen very often. I thought I would share in thoughts why I feel pretty.

Got dressed up since I might going to the cinema with my family to see Percy Jackson and the lighting thief however my mother still isn't back from the doctors with my brother and sister since she took my brother to see the doctor since each time my brother goes out in the cold weather. He comes out with a really bad rash over his cheeks and chin. Also it raining pretty badly so it looks unlikely we could be going.

Oh yeah do let me known if the link works...

The bible in history

I have seeing a series on the TV Internet thing. About the bible and different people each episode investigate main themes about the bible. The first episode was about creation , the second about Abraham, the third the laws of moses. That episode I hated the woman who 'supposedly' wanted to investigate what were the real facts about Moses. But you could clearly see she was biased and wouldn't allow any other theories or beliefs to be acknowledged since she had this absolute belief in her religion.

But the most recent episode , shocked me. It was titled the daughters of eve , where this female historian was investigating about women in the bible . How in the bible it says that Adam was born first and made eve from his spare rib, was wrong since she was able to look in the earliest bible which looked like the torah . Where it was written on paper then rolled up in a pin , where it says that god made adam and eve at the same time . That they were made in his image , that eve didn't have a name so it was years later jewish priests called the first woman eve. That adam means the beginning or making 'can't remember which'.

But the reason why I find it shocking is , I already knew this , I even spoke about my theory years back with my father and even now that god is both female and male . This is proof that I was right. It just leaves in shock that I have this knowledge .

Well here's the link I hope it works since its on youtube 'The bible in history'

Just goes to shows don't go and blindly believe

Been

Been hearing whispers but don't see anyone talking.

Been seeing silhouettes of ghosts that radiant with energy.

Been confused, trying to find a direction here.

I wonder why parents become parents? is it the ego of what to produce something you call yours or a mini - me that will do everything you say.

If that's the case , I certainly won't become a parent anytime soon. This half term looks like its gonna be tough. Since my father hasn't got a holiday so he still working the whole day and my mother took out holidays from her work. So its like a whole week of hearing her shouting every word since that's her way of communication.

Seeing my siblings behaviour transform from being human beings to being spite full with each other and playing mental mind games with my mother , who hasn't got the parenting skills to deal with it.

I'm really at the point of not giving a shit anymore, this usually happens in my house where my parents well parent.. worry excessively about themselves and my siblings they tend to forget me. I guess I'm forget able since I spend all my time in my crypt which I call room.

However, I don't want to go down from my room , I just want them to think how I would be feeling . When they have those petty agreements which each other , just the notion of them considering how I fit in aswell will do me fine.

It just makes me feel I have gone past my sell by date with my parents , where I'm too old to need consideration about my feelings.

Well , Fuck it , I'am gonna make my own life . Even if there's not many people in it who care about my existence , I will live it. Just right now going through the emotions of feeling ok then just not ok.

Well things I have done today.

1. Gone to the gym.
2. Went for physiotherapy
3. cleaned my room
4. revised maths
5. looked at some random crap in the internet.
6. Did research for college work.
7. remembered to have lunch at the right time
8. did my college work

Right now I'am debating whether I should do something naughty :)

Getting my crap together

Today I got a nasty shock, I have one more chance to get the grade I need for maths. Well I think I have one more chance since I read some of the offers from the three universities so far that have given me a conditional offer. That they will give me place if I meet the grades with my work at college and getting that grade for maths.

I guess I really fail to read the small print sometimes, but if it hadn't been for me looking for other reasons at my offers . I wouldn't have read that bit, however I'm going to call the universities , telling them I'm receiving lessons on maths .That I'm taking again the test in the summer and I wonder if I twist the truth a little and say that I was ill most of the time in my last year of high school and that it affected my education in my maths and it affected my overall grade and have been receiving support in maths every since but have shown a progress of improvement in grades.

Well my work at college is no problem since I WILL GET THAT DOWN but with my maths I really need to my crap together and study hard.

I will be honest and say I feel stressed in addition with problems with my mother and my love life and my four month plan to lose 10lbs.

With all these things doesn't really make me a happy bunny, you know when you get those typical depressed people who don't eat when they depressed . I'm the opposite , if I'm not care full I could mindless eat if stressed but I'm working hard to revert to a typical depressed person so at least it would be one less thing to be worried about.

With all of this hurdles, there's added thing with past live memories . Seeing the dearly departed and hearing whispers in the night while I'm trying to get to sleep. These last two nights I have been hearing whispers in room and then this male voice saying 'miss me' I swear that's what I heard. It felt like it was just like that time when I was 15-16 , sleeping my old room in a different house . Being scared shit less since I was hearing a full blown conversation between two male ghosts in my room and me under the covers.

I really need guidance right now on what to do, just this once for someone to tell me they can help me and give me advice. I say the lords prayer every night . praying that some one can help me .

SO GOD HELP ME NOW , FIND ME SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP , A GUIDE

I PROMISE I WILL GET OFF MY ASS AND LOOK BUT COULD YOU HELP ME IN MY SEARCH FOR GUIDANCE. IT AIN'T FOR LITTLE OLD ME TO BE LOOKING BY HERSELF WITH OUT NO HELP. I'M NOT AN EVIL PERSON I HAVEN'T KILLED ANYONE OR STOLEN BUT I HAVE CHEATED AND I WILL BE GLAD TO REPENT FOR ANY ILL FEELINGS.

AMEN

First lesson of Ballet

Hey there,

My little sister and I had our first lesson of ballet. Well, all I can say it was interesting.
My father drove us there , we knocked at the door and there comes out a really old woman using a walker to greet us. I swear she scared the living bejesus out my little sister and I. Just see how frail she looked and she shouted quite a lot she her hearing was shot, where she was like to my sister 'you got to shout dear since I can't hear.'

The dance studio was in her house. Where there was the bar and mirrors , pictures every of her old students and loads of certificates. For the hour we had this old woman instructing us verbally what to do. We understood 99% of it so my father said she's a good teacher for to be able to teach verbally and the funny was she first said 'as you can see I can't demonstrate , so I want to see how bright you are'

Well it was a understatement of the year!

But, all and all it was good . I definitely learnt something new so I will going with my sister next saturday. Like I told my sister noting perfect in the world, I most of called at leat ten places and they either didn't do beginners classes or they were just too far away. So, I guess you take what life gives you.

Tomorrow's Valentine's day. I will be giving my beloved my feelings as a present, the second thing I value most in the world.

Different disguise

Today has been a really cold day here in London. Well I decided to wear the new top I brought three days ago. So this was the clothes I was wearing today at college.

Today has been tiring , went to the gym this morning as always . Came home and found I had lost track of time and was 5 mins behind in leaving the house therefore , I has run for the quickest bus that would take me to college.

I felt like today was a monotonous day, where every thing felt the same. I felt like I was doing thing mechanically with no real emotion behind it. It feel like a block that was once in my head is gone and its like what was once me is not anymore. I guess remembering things does change a person since memories are me essentially but lets just say in a different disguise each time.

Oh, yeah this saturday my sister and I are getting private teaching in ballet from this old woman. I have only spoken to her on the phone but she sounds ancient but oh well, at least I found some one to teach me and rope in my 11 year old sister to learn with me.

Reincarnations

Feeling 40% ok , today.

Its between snowing and raining here in London and its really cold that I even feel my bones hurting.

The last two days have been really shaky for me , mentally and spiritually. Right I'am remembering more past lives and hearing a different language in my head. Right now I don't which is me now, ichigo or my soul , the first person who had this soul of mine.

In remembering , I see france , I see big dresses and white wigs. Then I see russia or some place similar to russia , where there's a camp fire and people are singing dancing , drinking and being merry. Then I see england a big church , where I'm at the alter saying the lords prayer in old english.

I wonder how much my human mind can take? with all this information.

Yesterday my father said he had to go at 5pm to meet this guy from his work since he meant to go on another over night drive weekend thing but didn't go since it was my sisters birthday. I realized he would be back very late and I almost cried out for him to stay. I desperately said in a low voice I didn't want him to go. But he looked at me and tried to shrug my reaction as over reacting and said 'don't be silly , I will be back'

I realized I was closed to losing control and being hysterical. So, I said nothing and changed the conversation. I guess its that emotional attachment going on there , realizing that him going only cuts down the hours I see him even more.

To be honest I don't know whats gonna happen to me , what can an eighteen year old do , when she holds and remembers memories of her reincarnations.

so much

So much, has happened .

So much has been said.

So much has been felt.

I'm tired right now.... My soul feels tired right now.

Can't deal with my mother right now, not her 'what have I done to you?' or constant 'whats wrong?' or the sorry's that I don't care about.

I don't want to be mother to my siblings , I don't want to give into to my idea of learning how to use the wash machine so I can wash my own clothes so she won't have anything to say but I guess I will learn so there won't be that excuse she cleans my clothes.

I don't want to see her face

This morning I experienced thirty minutes of happiness to be later reminded it will be gone again for another week. So, Monday starts again .......

And fuck I don't want it to come.....

Right now I'm thinking of moving out slowly from the house. So, if being alone its gonna be a permanent fixture in my life then I will move out to not see my mother face any more. However, these ideas are in the planning stage.....

Well yesterday I had my first maths class back since my father finally got some money rustled up. Tomorrow gonna go out to pay for the maths exam in the summer.

Right now I'm doing very naughty things that I shouldn't do.... I guess its my sign of screaming out loud.

Here and then

This me, in the year 2010 , if you scroll down you can see what state I looked like two years ago. Thought maybe I could share my progress so far . I'm kinda of paranoid with these things so bare with me with I sound to vague with the description of the photos.




Two years ago in summer , I went on a holiday. I was on my last limb as you can say and deeply unhappy with my appearance and deeply depressed about my existence. As you can see in the photo , you tell why I wanted to hide away from any sort of attention.

But now, I can look at this comparisons once and a while see what progress I have made, before I was fat and depressed .... Now I'm just depressed lol

Kidding .. I think.

But just want to say thank you again to Johnz for the wonderful support over my last posts. Even through we are two different parts of the world , this blog has made a unique friendship.

By the way I'm still calling for ballet schools hopefully tomorrow I will get a result.

A dream that's a bit shattered

Yesterday night , I kind of had my dream shattered a little.

The ballet school I was meant to study in at the end of February , turned out to be a bit further away from my house than expected. My father and I looked on google map and he said ' I ain't letting you go there especially late at night , since around 8pm the area gets filled with drug dealers and I don't want you coming back home raped'

Since I realized the school I wanted to go to , was in the area filled with black people. This area in London called brixton is like a Chinatown. But. its known for gang related shootings and drug dealings.

I was so disappointed to realize I hadn't checked properly and it disheartened me to carry on looking for anymore schools. Before we could carrying on looking my father had to go out for a while to talk to some guy, I stayed up for as long as I could but it was getting late and I went to sleep sad that he didn't come back and finished helping me find some place. However, there is a possibility of going to another school. Its still far but closer than the other one. Well, when my father comes home later on I will talk it over with him.

But. I'm so pissed . That each time I wanna do something new I have to do the research by myself and phone myself and if I do happen to find some thing it doesn't turn out to be right.

These at the moments when I want to someone to help me and for once say

'Hay , ichigo I have found the place for you'

That would be so fucking wonderful ......

Well , this morning I woke up to go to the gym. Went downstairs so my father he looked at me and I looked at him . I could see in his eyes he felt guilty for no coming back in time however, I'm a little passed caring.

So I went to the gym did 50 mins tread mill with incline 4.0 to 10.0 and was experimenting with the speeds and incline settings. Trying to do something so my body won't get used to doing the same exercise. Finshed out with using the stationary bike and went home.

Well at the moment I'm happy with my progress , I haven't weighed myself but going with measurements at the moment.

My waist was 26.3inch
Now- 26.1inch

My mesurements of the other body area are going down. I'll see if I will do a weigh real weigh in on saturday.

WOW, more followers

Just realized there's more followers.

just wanna hi and thanks for following !!!!

Thanks

Thank you Johnz, for your last comment. It really meant a lot to me....

I'm really on edge at the moment , maybe its the lack of human contact at the moment or the lack of food. Who's knows things are kind of fucked up at the moment , it like we are playing this great game of 'Family' that nothing else can matter. Not the despair or the torment of being isolated from my beloved.

What have I got to complain? , I'm living a 'life' , I'm studying , I have all the essentials a girl of my age needs. So what have I got to complain about????

Right now its taking all my self restrained to not push the self destruct button. All this anxiety is building up , there's no one here anymore to sooth it. I just keep scratching at my skin . just wanting to tear my skin to let it out.

I have had periods of this but he has always been there to calm my fears to be my blanket . Now that blanket has been pulled out from me and now I'm left alone.

I guess this blog is where I can be brutally honest with what I'am thinking and feeling without offending my family members.

Where does it leave me?

I wonder if I have the right to complain ? , both my parents are now working but there jobs make them be hardly at home. Would be find about this if it was just my mother. However my father is now away aswell , a couple of hours ago my father went for a overnight conference where he will be back tomorrow morning or night? I just don't know anymore.....

Now , when I say if I have have the right to complain, is that there's no one practically there to look after my brother and sister. I'm there at the crucial hours with my brother and sister as where my mother is only here in week morning's where my brother and sister are still at school. Its like my mother is here to clean the house (well she forgets sometimes but its getting more often) and to cook (a repeat of dry chicken and hard fries). So, her answer to this 'well dinner is ready there?'
Well I don't give a crap about there anymore since you stopped caring in cooking a decent meal but there's noone there to look after my sibling's.


Beisdes my mother dearest confessed some weeks ago , that why should I complain about her working hours when she knows that no one will miss her not even my brother and sister. Well I didn't care then since my father wasn't working his new job then but now I'm remembering that confession since there's no parental figure here to raise my brother and sister. and I can't do the job. If it has taken me so much effort to look after myself imagine my siblings.

Right now I can't even look at my mother anymore since she thinks that this is ok , that the four hours in the night or less is enough time to spend raising my brother and sister. Even does fours hours she's not even there , she's busy the ironing that she couldn't do in the morning or just watching TV. With my father now most of the time gone , there's no one and WTF I'm I susposed to do? My father counts on me to feed my siblings , to make sure on the weekends the house is tidy. I don't doing these jobs but there putting more emphasis in me doing these jobs.

Through out all of this , where those it leave me?

Can I really complain? when my parents are working to provide for us , I'm here feeling the most alone since I got no older sibling just me.

Kind of feels like my childhood of some sorts, there was no siblings just me and being alone you don't learn no social skills or develop emotions to certain responses or actions like other people would. So as a child you don't realize your alone , it only when you go to school and see other kids your age playing in groups that you realize your alone and since you don't what emotions to respond to that you just learn to deal with it.

Making my own bed

Today has been just about doing work from college and 'trying' to fix my room. But , I'm proud to say I fixed my own bed today. I know it sounds pretty lame, I guess I tend to leave that to my mother. So, today I decided to do it myself since I wanted to change the sheets since I had a cold over the last few days and wanted to sleep in clean sheets.

I hoping as well that this will give me better sleep , since the last few weeks I have been finding the bed uncomfortable to sleep in. As you can see in the photo my pillow is all lumpy, so most of the time I have to beat up my pillow to get it nice and puffy. Since my pillow gets flat easily and it makes feel like I'm sleeping on hard concrete.

Right now , I'm alone in the house my mother went to work already and my father is still working. I guess this is gonna be a permanent thing at the moment me being alone and doing my own thing. Wonder if this is how living alone most feel like minus going to work , I do my homework , try to clean my room and then pick up my brother and sister from school.

Any way recently , I have been getting male attention which is not new to me since when I was overweight I had alot of black and old dudes checking out my chest area. Which at that time repulsed me deeply and me want to cover myself up in many layers of clothes. But now what seems to be the new area of attraction is my backside or my 'gluteus maximums' , which surprises me since sometimes I wear the not the most feminine trousers. I'm glad at least its a sign that my chest area are no longer the main focus and that they stopped resembling inflated pancakes.

In addition , my hair has grown longer . Its actually the longest its been in years and with the added bonus its all natural hair since I haven't dyed my hair in over a year now. So, my hair doesn't feel like dog hair and I think I'am starting resemble more of being being a female than a butch wrestler.

With all these new developments , I have to fight that knee jerk reactions to run and hide. When I get that sort of attention instead I hold my head up high and try to create a strong presence and walk by them. To be honest I have never really seen myself as attractive in the face or body since before I looked way older for my age and my body looked over developed. When I was 15 some guy had mistaken my age for a 21 year old , which pissed me off severely. I was never one of does types of girls who wanted to look older for there age , even now I want to look as young as possible.

No purpose

First thing.. Thank You Johnz for the great link on remedies on colds, I actually read it and used some of the advise.

Well my cold is not that bad but I have got the usual symptoms of sneezing , coughing and having to blow my nose every five mins.

Got college on Wednesday , can't really say I'm jumping for joy but I guess the reason I'm seem to be going is not to be stuck at home. To have some sort of purpose , right now I feel like I have no purpose. That everyone else has found there's by having something to do whether its something trivial like going shopping.

I really want February to come since I get to start the maths study group again , which couldn't go all this month due to money issues. To honest here , I feel kind of cautious and uncomfortable of going back since I missed a month. But, on the other I'm thinking in head

'god dammit, I'm an adult already its not like I'm 15 going around like a headless chicken' Besides I couldn't go due to legitimate reasons.

Also can't wait to start ballet classes on tuesday since they start in february. At least this will push myself in challenging my beliefs about myself. That I'm too rough , too werid looking and not gracefull. Since these last two weeks I have spent most of the time alone haven't made my feelings about myself any better.

Maybe its due to the cold but I feel really weird right now ....

I'm tired

Its been two fucking weeks since I last saw my beloved , his stupid job and my family life are clashing drastically . Which has resorted to us not seeing each other , it feels like I'am going cold turkey off him. I guess he is like a drug to me , he makes me feel nice and loved . But I'am going crazy here , it feels like I'm on a desert island and I'am alone.

Today, I had seriously bad body image.

Its so hard sometimes since I got no one to talk to , no one of which I can have an intelligent conversation with. All , I got is my mother telling me at lunch 'are you ok?' and I'm like biting into a piece of bread and not thinking of anything . Then I say 'why?' since I never get why shes ask's the same fucking question when we are with out my father present on the table.

She's like 'well you never talk or say anything , you just stay quiet there' in my head I'm like 'well , I'm fucking eating here and I don't particularly have anything to talk about with you'

My dear sister the only ten but a lot common sense than my mother , chimes in and says 'well , she's quiet since she's concentrating on eating'

Since when I eat in the table I have the habit of just eating and when I finish I talk then. But, Mother seriously , she just doesn't get it if I do want to talk I'll choose to talk and I'll guarantee she won't be the first person I go to.

Right now , I'm just so tired of this shit. I really want to start learning ballet so I get meet new people and get out from my social anxiety I have . Ever since as far as I could remember I had social anxiety as a kid. Scared that people looked at me funny or afraid people would bully me for just looking different. Even now , that fear or paranoia comes but I push it aside since if I let it win . I'll end being 30 years old with many regrets since I was to scared to do anything.


One more thing.. I think I'am coming down with a cold. da da duh.

Oh well.

Oh, my god!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's gonna happen I have finally found a place to learn ballet, the course starts on February the 16th ooooooo. I'm so excited , it gives me a chance to work on my stretching and flexibility .

I can't believe I'm going to do it, some out of the ordinary for me. Well , I know when I start learning there will be times when I think I'm learning nothing but with my determination anything can be accomplished.

The only person that annoyed me, with questioning my decision was my mother. Since she was like 'are you sure , that your hearts in it?' and I'm like thinking WTF . She's seriously asking me that!? I'm like I'm not eleven years old , these kinds of things she would say to me as a child when each time I said I wanted to try something new, she would be like 'are you sure? , I don't won't after to say you changed your mind' She would ask me this many times , that it made me change my decision since I became convinced I would change my mind after.

She does this as well with my sister , when she tries to make her own decisions that my sisters ends up deciding on nothing.

I say No more , no more being convinced that my mind is so limited that won't do anything else. I say screw it . if I have to go by myself to ballet lesson's , I say screw it if I get lost going there.

What matter's is the experience , the experience of doing something new. Of having a life filled of experiencing new feelings and meeting new people. Something my mother will never do since she stopped wanting to experience life.

I'll laugh the day , I find out I'm underweight

I haven't weighed myself since the 1st January . Been sticking religiously to excerise and diet and given myself a realistic four months plan of lose 10lbs+. However, my mother two days ago made a comment she asked if I have eaten , I say 'yeah' and she was like 'are you sure?'

That left me suprised and I laughed thinking 'here we go again' then she said I was getting too skinny. I laughed my head off thinking unless I magically dropped 7lb+ from the 1st January , I don't how I look skinny. Obviously the comment she made hinted she thought I wasn't eating , god I eat I know perfectly well if I skipp a meal it will turn me into nasty ichigo.

Today, I told my father I feel I was getting those symptoms again of the illness I had in christmas. My father went off saying my illness is caused by me consuming too much cold food not enough hot food. That how he doesn't want to say anything about the amount I eat at dinner that his staying away from me since he doesn't want to see me become anemic , which is code for becoming anorexic.

I'm think I'm 5ft 3inches officially and estimate 128-9lbs . There no way that looks anorexic . the problem is there used to seeing me at one certain weight they imagine a smaller size and just imagine I only gained 5lbs over the summer its not gonna make such a difference, when I lose the 5lbs and continue to goal.

I'm gonna do it

I have decided to learn ballet, I thought to myself

'I'm not old , god I'm eighteen years old'

So there's still time , I'am in the best physical condition there is. So, I have been looking and phoning at least eight schools and they either only do kids or just far. But, there's one quite near to where I live so got to talk over with my father.

But, god I'am excited . I guess in my head I got three years to learn before I turn 21 .

I know this is not a phase , its a desire to learn to move.

Here's the details from there website:

Evgeny Goremykin benefitted from the training he received at the Bolshoi Ballet School. He is driven by a desire to pass on the knowledge and training that he received to the next generation. Russian Ballet produces technically strong dancers and there is a good reason for this. They are the product of a system based on three hundred years of knowledge. A system that relies on teachers in every school and theatre who performed in major roles and pass on the knowledge that they acquired to the next generation. The respect for this knowledge and experience has preserved the system that lies at the core of Russian ballet and gives it the look and power so often associated with it. It is this system that is so treasured by Evgeny, it is what he wishes to share with others.

We offer classes for all ages and abilities. These classes are under the direction of Evgeny Goremykin, a former Principal of the Bolshoi Ballet and Director of the School.

All forms of activity are important for us but ballet offers the rare combination of the mind and body working together. It is total relaxation because concentration is required, it is also an endless process which is why it is continuously rewarding. The physical benefits in terms of posture and flexibility are obvious but the additional benefits from the sense of well being, moving to music and challenging oneself cannot be underestimated.

wanting to learn ballet

Does it seem like a silly idea of wanting to learn ballet? well I'm only 18 so it wouldn't make me that old , or would it.

These couple of days I have been have this strange urge to learn ballet. Its like each time I look at photo's of ballerina's or see a performance , I get the urge in wanting to learn.

I wonder if its just a 'phase' or a genuine desire in wanting to learn. I wonder how can I really tell. I guess there are things I wanna do but I don't want to pile on lots of things and end up doing nothing.

So, far I have seen clips of the nutcracker on YouTube and sleeping beauty and it just leaves me , mesmerised. What appeals to me of ballet is the elegance of the movements . How the ballerina's do such great leaps and jumps but can be so soft and be so elegant when landing. These trades is what I lack , its like my movements are sometimes harsh which end up making me clumsy sometimes.

I never really did get into the whole femmine , I have also wanted to have a boyish figure and be flat chested and still do. Since , I don't care about men not like liking flat chested women since i don't want other men looking at me. Just , the thought other men looking me sends me into praying in head for god to protect from the evils of men. I guess , I rather a man tells me he looks at porn than for him to be staring at me.

I guess I still have an acute fear of men. There has been only person who I confessed to about my fear , that is my grandfather . Till this day I don't why I said that and he isn't even my biological grandfather. Each time I think about that even I get extremely embarassed thinking that I must of really been crazy to admitt such a thing.

Since before admitting that to him , I remembering how each time I was in close contact with him my anxiety levels would shoot up. There was one occassion where he suddenly wrapped his hands around my neck from behind me . I remember I my body shook when that happen I swear I was having a mini panic attack from inside. Then my grandmother took a photo of us since before we were taking photos and stuff.

I guess my grandfather , was the person I could truly model what a father should act like since he gave me those boundaries and limits.

My heart

I guess you all know the saying 'you wear your heart on your sleeve' .

I wear mine on my chest , its a locket I have worn and kept since high school. Its like my only way showing my love for my beloved in public .

People often talk about who's inside there heart or what do they treasure the most. Some say, family others say 'my car' but in reality there has been one thing I hold on to dear life to. My 'beloved' , others things like material possessions or even my siblings go as dust in the wind.

He is truly the only person that I have emotional attachment to. Its sad , that these days he has been busy , it does feel like a piece of my soul has been missing. I don't how I can describe it but the more we are apart the more , I descend playing with my old friend madness.

These days , I have been developing strange habits like fidgeting , scratching my head a bit too much and feeling like one minute I can stake away the whole night. To feeling like I'm a lump that can't get up , sometimes I feel like it becomes a little in manageable but mostly I can control it but the most annoying one is when I have a million thoughts in my head . Where I'm remembering embarrassing things I have done in the past , then these this voice telling me 'how stupid , I'm for doing . How I'm still the same person as always . That I'll never change and that should die .

It takes all my willpower tell these voices to shut up, sometimes I catch myself saying out loud what the voices are saying. I guess some people are lucky they get a diagnose , what I get is just more paranoia.

Money issues + chewing gum

Didn't go to maths lesson this morning either , since my father still hasn't got the money. He told me 'that it hurts him to know that I would be spending my saved up money for my education, while he can't pay'. Therefore, he said wait till next month , when he will have money for sure to pay for two months of tutoring.

It broke my heart when he said, I said it ok then. I do admitt I'm a bit dissapointed but apart from that I'll wait.

Well , I've stocked up on chewing gum ... The green wrapper one is the special one since it comes in a nice box and has a better taste and ones in the white wrapper contains xylitol. So, it more of keep teeth clean type chewing gum.

Martial arts yesterday but missing morning fix

Had martial arts yesterday night. Its was the first lesson back , since the snow from last week made the lesson get cancelled.

They funny is I was hyped up , it felt like my brain was on drugs. The lesson was tough , feeling the effects of the training today were my muscles ache. Since I didn't have my morning workout I felt like my routine was disrupted and therefore, it was like my brain was disrupted.

However, this morning I did my morning gym run. 51 mins on treadmill , 11mins on stationary bike. I was tired from yesterdays training but I was still having that manic feeling which gave me some weird 'high' where I was able to jog/run.

I think I have become addicted to running since I guess I'm craving that 'high' , that release of endorphins to my brain. I guess since yesterday morning I didn't get my fix of endorphins it was like my body was going crazy inside. I so tired right now and tomorrow morning got my first maths lesson back couldn't go last Saturday due to money issues , I could of paid with my money but my father didn't want me to spend my money so he said wait till next Saturday so he can pay.

I really want the lesson to come and be over with, it a little awkward since I'm the oldest one from the group the other pupils are like still in high school but oh well.

My old friend 'madness'

My father dearest has started a new job, delivering car parts around London. I'm happy for him since his got a job and obviously it improves things financially in the house hold. But it has one side effect ..... I'm left alone in the house.

I guess being 18 years old doesn't change the fact , that you will feel neglected. My problem is , since I don't openly say 'Oh, I dislike being left alone , or I feel neglected' , I think my father thinks 'Oh , she's doing just fine'

Being left alone these days just gives me an excuse to wallow into some madness and think of destructive things. I guess some one being physically in the house whether there downstairs , will make my mind feel at ease. I know what my father's response would be 'oh, even if I'm at home your upstairs in your room' Well , I'm not most of the time in my room but I guess I just like the feeling of another presence in the house.

Right it just makes think of how isolating my life could be sometimes with out my father being here or my siblings I would be very much alone. I guess in the past wouldn't have cared since I had my madness as a companion that would be there for me and gave my something to think about. I see right now that kinda of happening , where I'll forget about feeling alone and concentrate on the other feelings of mania , despair and some anxiety.

I feel like saying that in times of isolation I turn to my old friend 'madness' he doesn't judge my feelings or say I'm being stupid to feel that way. He'll just make feel fuzzy and suggest 'some painkillers for a happy numbing effect' or skip lunch 'you'll feel nice and light' Well I'll hear his suggestions and think about it again and again till 'I'll it ain't worth it right now'

But, I will be honest and say I'am tempted since it gives me something else to think about and feel about. Its strange how people would find a friend out of no where , like there will oh , I got a friend his name is OCD or I got friend and her name despair.

Finally been sent

Good news . my university application has been finally sent. So, in a couple of weeks I will get the welcome letter . Yah.

On other news, it was snowing heavily today . Boooooo

Been drained and tried recently. So, really had the brain power or energy to blog. So. maybe tomorrow or saturday I'll give a much better post.

well. Good logging off at :9:13pm

he looks beautiful

God, he looks beautiful today. I almost feel like I don't quite match up , the last two days feel like his starting to reclaim his beauty. I see myself being left behind and it scares me ....

I do often think , what do I have to offer him? , I'm still a student , I have barely lived life . While his working , busy and incredible good looking and me ? He has known me at my heavest and has always been there despite the way I looked and I thought why?... why , stay with a short pudgy girl. He has admitted that I do look tons better than I did before but always says 'he loves me no matter what I looked like.

I guess , these are just my insecurities.

Love is hard, there will come a time where I might move but deep in my heart I know I wouldn't want to get together with another man. I joked once with him 'saying I'd rather become a lesbian than be with a guy' Well, the joke left him shunned but I guess I wasn't really joking since I take relationship's seriously , when a man tells you 'I love you' . He better mean it or not say nothing at all since love is serious , its hard , its many things.

I guess , right now I feel like I'am going mad with fears and some despair. Like I'am in own private torment , like one of those gothic romance novel . I haven't even got anyone talk to about my despair and torment over my romance and love. Besides what could they say?

Love

What is to truly love another being ? to say 'I love you', these words are not be taken lightly since to say 'I love you' are words that bind you together to that other being. As being in love , you find that being apart is like being in pain that your soul is incomplete. That when you are together with your soulmate both him and you move as one being , knowing each other moods . Just being there , will be enough for your soulmate to truly feel loved.

Maybe I should of been a poet , eh? I don't these words have been hust flowing out of my mind , like my soul is talking and I'm writing. I guess, what I have written may say she's found love but it just really talks about the my love . How I have been in a romance for a long time that it crosses all taboo's in society that how I can proclaimed marriage to my love at a tender age of seven. I don't regret once the choices I've made , there have been always my choices. No one can take away my will no matter how young I was or I'am.

It's only know that I release that how beautiful he is, that no matter how strange or difficult our love is. I know without him , my soul would be in pain.

I see blood

' I lay on my bed , to close my eyes for a second
my eyes are shut byt my mind is not .
My spirit wanders to the past , where I see myself laying
in a field in a pool of blood.
I see blood, I see blood devouring my body
I'am never quite in the present , a part of me always in the past'

By the wandering soul

snow has melted (well some)

Yeah, the snow has melted enough for roads to be clear. So, I got to go to college today but I did feel tired towards the since my morning workouts do leave me prone to get more tired easily. Today wasn't so was more clam in terms of learning since there was only lectures and no experiments since the chemicals my teacher order couldn't get here because of the snow.

Today , I also brought a new packet of chewing gum since I was running low ;P Tomorrow my father is going to call to see if the maths lessons have started up , I'm not dreading going back but I feel as through I need some sort of direction in terms of this whole maths business . My question ' I'm applying for university all my other grades are like A's , B's and C's would they look too much in the whole maths grade ?'

Maybe if any other bloggers know anyone who has gone to university , who has had the same situation as me. Well, it would be nice to hear peoples experience and to know that getting into university is not so dramatic as people would us to believe.

Well , I'm really tired so good night . Posting time:6:oopm london time

college closed got gym time

Well, I was all start ready to go college . When I heard it was closed due the snow. I was happy since I got go to gym to due some running in these running shoes I have been wearing to make the running more comfortable. But, I hope the ice on the roads melt since I need to get to college tomorrow to pick up some money that is owed to me. So, it would be very annoying if it carries on snowing. Besides , the pavement are dangerous at the moment I almost died many times just to get to gym since the pavements are really slippery.

So, today most has been just staying at home and not doing anything that productive. Lately, I feel as through things are losing its thread like college. Honestly , the last year of this course has become bery disorganised and I don't wanna say 'I want to get to university already' but thats what is in the back of my mind at the moment. I just want to get there all ready , I feel as through things are taking too long.

These days that have passed , I have spent the majority at home and I think its affecting me big time. Its like I'm going stir crazy here just doing what college work there is and the only relief I have is going the gym in the mornings. I guess , I need something to do , where I get the gym mornings and I spend the rest of the day doing something constructive . Something meanful to my life.

At the moment I feel neglected by my father , I really can't complain since his really busy looking for work since money is a bit tight. Its like my father takes advantage at the fact that I don't openly go emotional hysterical if I feel neglected but I feel its even worse since its makes it even more clear that I haven't got anyone else that I'am emotionally attached to than my father. If he were to go , I would be left alone and now that would suck , I would probably then go for real on self destruct mode.

Snow, snow everywhere

Today was my first day back to college. Its snow alot here in the UK , which distrubing the trains and blocking some roads and there might be very likely that there's no college tomorrow due to snow. Well morning started of with going to the gym , I happened to get out earlier this time to have more time in the gym.

I did 50 mins of treadmill and finished with the rowing machine. I really like the rowing machine I feel it really works the upper area of my torso. Like my chest , triceps , back and stomach. It also works the glutes and hamstrings.

Well , when I saw my friend at college she commented if I have lost any weight. So, I guess I'm on the right track. Next week tuesday I will weight myself to see how I have lost in terms of getting to my goal weight , I have calculated that it should take me till may to get there , I'm alright with that so by march I will back to 126lb.

One thing I have been to alot of recently is chewing gum. God , I'm addicted to the stuff however I make to make the packet last throughout the week and I also stock up on gum.

Burying a part of myself

Last night , I had a dream that my father was helping me in bury a part of me that was like shown as a clone of me. In my dream I saw my father deconstructing me piece by piece so to make it easier for him carry the body.

I went with to a cemetery with a shovel in hand. With started to dig in the ground then I suddenly realise that the soil has turned muddy, then I see we have already finished . My head hurts a little just remembering , I guess I burying a part of me but the question is what part? Its annoying when the only answer you get is the predictable answer. 'Your changing or your going through a change'
Fair enough if the answer is that but what change I'm I going through or what exactly I'm I changing into? These are questions I have and no one to answer them. I guess no-one really has been there to answer it.

The person that has been is 'time' since as the saying goes 'time will tell' and I know that saying was made for me.

On a brighter note , I got a new laptop so the next posts will be in my new laptop that comes with a camera. :)

Some nice looking snack

Thought I'd show my cute new mug and bowl , that I will obssesively use to eat and drink my food from.



Some strawberry yoghurt in my new eeoh mug that I brought in a scales with the bowl in a cheap price.


Some chopped up apple , with pieces of millet cakes sandwhich together with nutella.

I thought the way my food looked today was pretty cute looking and just wanted to show off what I brought today.

A dream I had when I was five

When I was five I think , I had dream. A dreamed I was dead and I was an angel with huge white wings. I dreamed I was crying that my mother couldn't see me since I was in the place where all spirits stay with they don't move on. That I was in the old flat where I used to live and mother was walking around going through the walls screaming desperately for her to hear me.

What a dream to have so young, I guess that's when I started playing with death. The words 'death, dead , dying' crop up a lot in my life. Whether , I'm seeing the dead or wanting to be dead or just laughing out the notion of death . It seems to be always at the background , the funny thing technically we don't die our energy just gets converted into something else. That's one of the laws of energy learnt that at college.

Well looking back at the dream , I guess a shrink would tell me or 'Ichigo , as a young kid you felt dead to your mother' maybe its true . maybe at some point of my childhood my mother lost a daughter. I look so much like my mother but our personalities couldn't be so different , I remember being small and going into a shop with my mother and shop assistant asking with we were sisters. I guess it might sound very cliche , my non-existent relationship with my mother.

But, it does feel better typing this out. It gives me a chance the properly analysis this better. I guess my mothers behaviour the last three days has given food for thought.