life in general

I'm here in my room on my laptop , just thinking about my life in general. I guess as October ends, I see this as a sign that I made eighteen and I'm still alive. Since I spent three years of my teens being self destructive and wallowing in self pity immesensely , its only now I can say I made the past the point of being an angry teen.

This stage in my life obviousily I'am confused on what to do next but instead of turning that confusion into fustration. I can use my determination to not give up no matter what , not give the satisfaction to my genetic make up to pre-determine my life for me.

Of , course I have my up and downs , I may even rant about it but I know there's that force guiding me to a great path.

Maths in pictures

My new grade of D for maths
I'm resitting the test next week on thursday morning

Well here my last grade on maths which was an E


Here this assessment test I took , when it was the first lesson in this tutorial place for maths. Not , bad I think since I took this test after the summer holidays. I guess I didn't forget everything

Here's the new post page :)

my father's birthday/ end of holidays

Today is my fathers birthday , he doesn't like celebrating his birthday. So , I was first to say happy birthday , since I woke up early to go to the gym again. I'm happy that at least I was the first to say it.

Well tomorrow is the last day of my one week holiday , in this week I can finally understand why , it was stressfull . Well.......... my mother is here for starters since my mother goes to college on tuesdays and works wed to sun . Therefore , during the week my brother and sister and I never really see her . I guess we kind of forget shes there , so when there's a holiday my mother always struggles to find her place. I guess when shes not there my father and I have this system of how we take care my brother and sister , so when my mother is here shes using the same tired routine of feeding my siblings junk and basically not knowing how to handle them when they misbehaviour.

Since she has this line that she always says 'there only playing' This line seriously always pisses me off. Its like shes uses there age as an excuse to let them do what ever they want , when only shes seen me really through day fully . She says 'why aren't you nice to me' , 'why don't you say hello with sweetness?' .

I'm like I say hello , what else do you want from me . She knows perfectly well how our relationship is but she lives in this constant delusion that her and I can go play mother and daughter.

When she doesn't get the answer she wants from me , she says 'whether you like it or not I'm still your mother' well duh , of course I know its not like I haven't heard that enough times to not know. Its sad really I know my mother psychologically that well like the palm of my hand but she doesn't me at all , she literally sees me as five years old and I mean literally. So , in how eyes I haven't really grown up so shes hasn't psychologically grown up with me , its the same with my brother and sister , she doesn't know how to grow up her parenting style with them.

Wednesday , emotional today

Yesterday night , my father and I had a talk about my new approved lifestyle . However , the last five pounds I wanted to lose slowly , my dad was 'kind' enough to point out that I'am only maintaining my weight and I haven't lost anything. My dad is not believe in calories , since I told him what I eat for breakfast burn and abit more of that.

But , he says the only way now that I want lose those five pounds is to go early in the morning to the gym on a empty stomach and do cardio. Well I did that this morning , I know that by doing this you start off with minus calories.

However , my father doesn't really like to see things from a different perspective than his . You could say its another type of controlling behaviour. I don't mind doing the whole early cardio thing since at this stage I am more physcially fit than last year. I tried yesterday to tell him the reason I was a bit iffy on the subject was that this would reinforce some disorder eating thoughts I had and to be honest by the end of the conversation I felt like I had put on 20lbs and when I went to bed I cried myself to sleep.

I guess it was a little set back for me , since my father is the only person who can make me cry if I had this conversation with somebody else wouldn't have not cared.

So , I will do my father's idea and see what results I will get in two weeks.

Photos of journey to oxford circus

Pink watch

Well , the first picture were of me and my family in the london underground , the second one I took was of the map stuck in the train wall.

The other photos is what My dad brought for me in the hamley's toystore , I found the journey to be a bit stressfull since of the tons of crowding.

But, I got to see carnaby street . Where it street has a line of shops , the shops looked great however as always all the things there were expensive as hell

going to oxford circus / my mother control

well. the plan today is to go this big toy shop in oxford circus , however going out with the whole family its abit stressful. Since my mother's controlling behaviour , can of makes it stressful . My mother has 'her' way of dealing with things like she goes out to the shop in her own time , she makes the breakfast at her own time , she dresses my brother and sister in her own time.

The control she wants to keep is to do everything her own way. If that doesn't happen her mind shuts off and won't accpect things can be done in a other way. I guess my mother is scared of losing the control she has. My father has spent most of his marriage trying ti fix my mother , now comes the point where I tell him

'your not her father or her therapist , your her husband'

My father is starting now to accept that , a person can only do so much before themselves start to break.

'anxious'

Today ,started by going to the gym . Going home trying to revise for test coming up . Doing my best to stay in check. Well came out of this outreach center place then this image came in my mind of blood pouring out of my nose , well this out reach center deals with druggies of all sorts . So my conclusion came to that I saw was something that might of happened one of them.

Well this is new very new , therefore I tried not to over react in my head . I really don't whats happening to me. Its like the lid that was slightly closed is starting to open up , well take each development one step at a time.

I think aswell that I have started to eat proper amounts and eating good wholesome food to get my metabolism steady , think all those synapases are starting to fire up again. Truly , like I typed before it really is like every one is glowing like neon lights. I guess the best description you can give with auras is neon flames since they look like that but swirl aroung the person.

I believe strongly in my grandfathers words that people like me are meant to heal the world and people. So, I guess maybe thats why my descion to be come a doctor came from.

weird dreams

last night , I had a weird dream . Won't go into detail too graphic , my point is that for two nights I have had terrible nightmeres.

Ok, here's my confession . I really don't care if anyone believes since I guess I have the safety of noone knows really who I am.

Well , I'am like a medium of sorts .
I can see aura's , sometimes ghosts and if concentrate hard enough I'm able to channel a person thoughts and be able to say what a person's feeling.Well , me seeing aura's is possible since I pretty sure science has proven it exist.

I know , crazy right but its true . I don't make any money from this , besides I'm only 18 and I believe strongly that these so called mediums and psychics in t.v are wrong to use there so-called abilites for money.

The reason why , I'am bleeding my heart here is the last two weeks or so there has been a huge spike of my ablity being increased. Its like my way of seeing has sharpened and its like everyone I see are a light like christmas trees.

My reason confessing this , I want to type it out and pretend I 'm telling this to someone who won't judge and might pretend to sympthasis.

One week holiday

just got off for one holiday that we have here , for college and schools. My week will be spent revision for my maths exam coming up and finshing a project with my friend from college.
So, I have been doing a lot of thinking about university and decided on trying to rent an apartment with my friend and pretend to live there but use the money the government gives to help students life alone and rent the apartment to somebody else and make money that way.

I realise I have to start thinking of making money and saving for the future. I'm applying to five universites I guess the likely hood of me being rejected are slim since five universites can't possibly all reject me. Well at 10:00 am i have my morning maths class , I actually like it since I feel its productive and I fill in those gaps of maths I'm missing.

so goals that I want to complete.
1. get 100% in my maths test
2. get the highest grades in my work at college
3. get into university
4. get to 120lbs

as you can see getting to my desired weight is last since , it would be useless to get to 120lbs and have not done the work since I could be too busy trying lose those 5lbs.

So hard work over vanity now , I guess if I take the last goal slowly I will get there without even realising.

Different side shots of tattoo

Here different shots of the tattoo

first tattoo finallyyyyyyyy

well today finally got my tattoo , it was a five hour process . Had it done on my left wrist.
This is my first tattoo but you kind of build it up in your head to be really painful but its not really like that . Of course you feel pain but its pain you can withstand. Well I'am happy since I wanted a tattoo for a very long time now I finally have one and I'm happy.

Getting back to normal eating patterns

My weekend ,was just doing homework . But it was a productive weekend anyway thinking back of last week I'am happy to say that I'm proud of myself for having good portion of food and eating properly after doing lots of excerise . Also eating when I'm hungry, this has always been a tough thing for me to alcomplish since I guess have disordered eating thoughts where I see eating past 4 would lead me to ballon up to 160lbs , since I see what I'am doing now is to getting into a normal eating pattern . When time comes and I'm down to my desired weight , would have learn't by then to maintain my weight.

So, I guess to achieve that is by eating clean and organic as much as possible since I know that its hard to get everything organic. My main thing right now to bring some patterns is not weigh myself or measure myself , since If i see the scale and i know it can be triggering and might lead me to overreact. Right now I can't afford to restrict my food intake since I need to proper nourishment to feed my brain for my studies and learning maths.

To be not afraid of things I don't understand

had my saturday maths class this morning , my lesson's start at 10:00 and finsh at 11:30. Have october then november when I resit my maths test since I have been working to improve my maths grade to a d to c since maths has been a week point for me but the d has been a progression from a e to d so its an improvement but I want an c to I can show universities that I have an average understanding of maths.

My other goal at the moment aswell is to carry on learning till it doesn't become an problem so the next tests in the summer I want aim for an A. I guess its my show to the world that I can improve on the area most weak and work hard to overcome the problem I don't understand. And when I will come to understand it I will stop being afraid as I will to understand the thing I'am afraid of.

As people are always afraid of things they don't understand , so this is an perfect example of that . Like I say why can't I not aim high for maths , I'm learning , I'm working hard and the most important thing I'm willing and wanting to learn. Of course my aim in life is to be a doctor , a healer for people I guess its my dig to my genetics since not to be rude to my mother but yes to my biological father , that I will beat the genes I was given that say that I don't have the mental capacity to do extrodianary things like save people , heal people and carve out my own future . Where I will the impossible , where people say you can't , I will say 'I can' , when they say its impossible I will say 'IT IS POSSIBLE'

Since I know if God made us in his image , why do we limit our selves when God has not limits. Since that is humanties greatest condriction.

scenes from london/ larabar

The food that was in my lunch box , I usually space out the food through out the day , also brought a new eat natural bar peanut, cranberries , pisatchio and milk chocolate.


Finally , brought a lara bar which I havent ate yet but will soon . I'm hoping it tastes nice since it cost 1.75 pounds.





From the bus stop , before coming home

Crime scene

This was the crime scence , we did in my college . Cool isn't :) We only learned how to do documentation.

Hi there's new blogg

To those who want to know , I have started another blogg in wordpress .

http://shar0.wordpress.com/

My reason starting another blogg is to have more organized one , more like to pass time when there's nothing to do but I will keep up this blogg .

Anyway I'm off to my college homeworks ,
see ya

Trying more healther choices :)

Brought this bar from waitrose , wanted to see what it tasted like . It says its free from alot of things , so I guess its a better choice to have to eat especially if your a busy college student like me.

I'am trying little by little improving on the things I eat. Since the part of eating normally for me , is making the right food choices.

So , the bar I'll rate 3/5 since the yoghurt was bit heavy.

New puppy

His a 7 week old jack russel terrier puppy , we name him Benji.

Last pet we had was a cat , his name was Banzai but he ran away.

So , we got a puppy. :)

pictures finally/ eats / birthday present

Hello kitty plush from 18th birthday




















Also eats from today...


















Well sorry for the poor presentation , just found the cable to my moblie phone so now I can finally upload photo , make my blogg more interesting

In a crisis

my dad is still not talking properly to me , so I'am in deep panic inside . I know that when I'am in stress I comfort eat so I'am taking measures in place to stop that. Its annoying its like when I was in college walking it was when I stopped for one second and it was like some one screamed in my head.

Maybe its a sign that , all the panic is building up inside . Talking with some one is impossible since one . they don't know me , two . my parents are not good with talking like my dad motto is 'your crazy, or what?' so when he says things like that its not reassuring.

I feel right now that I'am in a complete loss , its like I'am for what next?

what gonna happen next ?

I'am in love with man that can never be fully mine , and next year I'am going to university . Him and I are scared about it since university and things involving it can lead to me maybe moving out or I spending less time with him.

when I imagining being away from him my heart aches with despair , its like I'am in extreme turmoil. Me and him have been in love for a long time , so its not puppy love , its a deep love that can cut and make you feel pain sometimes. Like right now , not knowing where to move next or just lost.

Things are a bit iffy .. right now

Yesterday night , I was feeling a bit drowsy since I get tired around 9:20 and when I get tired , I get edgy easily and might snap at people. Well my brother wanted to get a photo of me on the nitendo Dsi thing and really didn't want to. So, just immediately said good night.

However , my dad went off and started telling me off , saying how its already been three times that I have ignored my brother and said how the night before I did the same thing. Well I admitt yesterday night wasn't in the mood to play but I don't remember the night before ignoring my brother.

So, right now my dad is ignoring me and talking very little to me. His knows very well when he tries to my mimic my behaviour it causes 'great distress to me mentally' and I guess me only way to cope with it is to carry on as through i'am dandy with it.

Looking back

i'm here sitting down in room , just looking at random programmes. I guess I'am here pondering about the past a little. This post is properly an extension of the post I did previously , well my life ... what can I say about my life. Well I have a mother .. my mother's behaviour currently is topic of converstation , her lack of common sense is getting irritating. Since she is saving money but to the extreme where there was 100 pounds short for the rent but 'apparently' she has no money.

This type of behaviour makes no sense , my mothers behaviour is an result of years of social isolation. I guess being isolated as a child , girl and woman damages a woman greatly. My mother's past has greatly affected her in ways that no one can understand. Like in those movies where a feral child is found and they have no social understanding of anything. My mother is like that , what else can I say when people meet my mother they either want to laugh at her , pity her or just bully her.

I used to say to my father , 'I 'am my mother that never was' since I could be mistaken for my mothers sister. My father agreed to what I said, people who know pretty have said that I have never really spoken about my mother. Well my answer for that is there is never really say about my mother.

I guess in the past , I had feelings of anger to my mother . Those feelings were that she wasn't strong enough to protect me as a child. Even now I know deep in my uncounsious that I still habour those feelings.

These days I just ignore her to save the hassle in realizing that shes there suffering by herself. Where I'am here myself sometimes gripped by my despair sometimes but I don't sit there
in my despair. Since if I do , I know the rest will fall , its things that have tooken so long to stand up again I know in a heartbeat can be knocked down. Even now I'am still here doing these internal struggles by myself.

being older

Since turing 18 , its been weird . Its like I haven't really emotionally ajusted to the idea of being an adult. I kind of feel emotionally , like right now just typing this I feel like I want to cry.

any how here's the pic of the tattoo , Ia'm going to get. On my left wrist , Im excited about that since I wanted a tattoo for two years now and now I finally turned 18.

But , I got a confession to make , I thing I'am developing a little phobia of greasy food. Its like I want to only eat clean food. Its weird , I want have only steam chicken and veggies .

18 years old

Well I turned 18 on friday , so I guess I'am now a responsible adult whatever that means. Got a bunch of hello kitty stuff . Which is cool , plus somewhere next week I 'am going to get a tattoo a symbol from this , manga I love vampire knight . Well Iam not using the symbol because of the manga but because I think it best symbolises to passage to adulthood.

Oh , yeah right now I'am looking at universities for next year . I really want to get into university since that would mean I would be the first in my family to get into university. Plus , my dad has also bought this theurapetic cause of injections that will help improve your overall health. So , my dad . my mum and I will be using it.

Also , these days been looking at other bloggs and I have been inspired on what new health foods I can eat. Since I find when I eat bread a lot in the week , I feel like it sits in my stomach for quite a long time. Which I find uncomfortable , also I have started using Peanut butter on my rice and oat cakes which I now love. I'am hoping to start using strawberry jam to add on my rice cakes and oat cakes.

I'am thinking also to by camera , so maybe I can make my blogg a bit more interesting , since no one has really commented on my blogg . I guess thats a sign that my blogg has become a little boring.