I was the 'swan' in swan lake

Went on to the bbc iplayer website , where you can see shows that you might have missed on t.v.
I have happened to see they had swan lake performance there , I love the orchestra from swan lake. Its where I completely lose myself and see a past life where I was the prima ballerina and my great love was the conductor from the orchestra , in this memory I have I'm like dancing for him.

Well here's link if anyone wants to see. I haven't finished watching all of it but the beginning was already beautiful.

I strongly know deep in my heart that these memories I have are true. Its like now as I get older its like my personality from my past lives are like blending in the present. Its where I don't think of myself as this person but as this body I inhabit now to be a vessel and that my true soul is coming awake. This awakening is happening and my thoughts are more like my souls than my present being.

Its difficult to explain , it like my true soul is acting as Ichigo while Ichigo is just a vessel. Since are more memories now than where I first started remembering at high school.

Well at least my body or should I say 'vessel' is at a much better condition than it was four years ago. I guess its my natural vanity talking when I refer to the state of my body , I always think

'well , when I will get to this certain place with my body it will be one less thing to worry about'

But , this thought has been less constant in my head than before as body image is becoming less important. Since I guess losing inches is good enough for me at the moment .

Freaky

I'm here trying to finish my homework, Comteplating whether I should eat something or hold out. Silly? really ... but I know I will be a good little girl and grab the last snack of the day. Well I'm still in that mood from last night therefore body image doesn't really matter that much at the moment.

Well today , I saw a person spying on me. I think its my grandfather again he has the habit of using astral projection to see his son or me in England while his all the way in south America.

Freaky isn't?...

Well these days I feel like I'm living in past life than my present. Its like the past and present are clashing. Where one minute I'm at home watching t.v. the next I'm in the Renaissance period looking at a marble table and seeing a minature wood clock. It feels like a lock in me that was placed has been cut off and all these feelings are now pouring out.

gETTING SUCKED BACK IN

I think the holidays are killing me. I'm getting this warped feeling like I'm high on drugs when I haven't taken anything. Millions of thoughts of dying and ways of doing it , like how its easy to buy millions of paracetamol and aspirin and how I would store it in my hello kitty box.

How I'M just bobbing my head right now back and forward and fidgeting non-stop here. Well one good thing here is if I'm going mad at least , I won't be fat and mad . I can be one of those extremely fit person who's secretly mad.

I guess its ever the holidays or this stage in my life where I go into periods of mania and depression. I guess my beloved father view would be' go do it' but knowing my father he would be really thinking in his mind ' GOD DON'T FUCKING DO IT'

I guess right now I really want a break in life , I want to go back to college and hear that my retarded tutor has already sent my application for university. I want to organize my workspace but can't concentrate long enough to do it. To be honest this feeling Right is addictive and its easy to go back into maybe I can do all the things I do now and be this way as well. Who knows through madness creativity and inspiration comes through. Aren't all great geniuses made?

I guess right now different things make me .
Wanting to push the limits of my body.
Seeing the paranormal

I wonder if seeing is making me a little loopy.

christmas wasn't as expected

Christmas came and went . It was anti-climatic , it is like all the christmas joy suddenly was sucked out of me and replaced by dissapointment. It kind of felt like I was the only one trying to spread christmas joy but everyone else looked like they had given up.

I'm like thinking maybe its took late for me to celebrate it since I'm already old and my father has gotten tried of trying to make christmas joyful for me since in the past I didn't want do anything. Its like I'm going into that phase again when I think 'what next?' , somethimes I feel like I'm doing the same thing over and over again. That nothings changing and I think what will happen when I reach 21.

Today , I have just really have been having terrible thoughts and I feel like I have added on twenty pounds overnight like I'm carrying around a huge weight that won't get off. I just feel numb and I'm filled despair like I'm waiting for the next bad thing to happen.

Merry christmas

merry christmas

Christmas holidays deadly for your sanity

Apart from going to the gym this morning , I haven't been anywhere else. To be honest it was kind of a boring day. It didn't make things better when I have to constantly see my mother since I have now gotten used not seeing her in normal working days. Since when she's here its a painful reminder that she doesn't meet up my expectations of doing motherly duties , that shes has spent so much time consumed with her job that she does not know what to do at home.

Its like the holidays make me see how alien my family members may look since I might be seeing there true faces. Its like I'm stuck in one set of moral values and feelings as where my brother and sister are slowly growing up 'normal'. Where there been left to there own devices like any other child in this 21st century , e.g spending the whole day playing video games , sitting down and doing nothing.

This Christmas , I want to make it mine since just this once I want to have hope that what Christmas stands for could happen. Where unity in the family is there but as where all other Christmas's I see how there a great veneer of fakeness in family unity especially in mine. I guess I remember one christmas I truely saw how fake the suspose christmas cheer there was , I got extremely drunk and tried to kill myself with painkillers that were prescribed to me. I remember in my drunken state how my father said 'if your gonna slit your wrists , well do it then' as my father was extremely angry for my display of anger and negative attitude. So in my stubborness I tried to but remember been shoved by my mother to go to bed.

Well in the next morning it wasn't spoken about since I apologized deeply for my poor display as a person and was forgiven. I tell this story not to justify why I might not have strong feelings towards this holiday but to show how far I have come in just wanting to find 'hope' in shaping a christmas I can enjoy.

Alive with new hello kitty stuff

I'm alive thank god , the last post I did my illness got worse that night. Where I woke up with extreme stomach pain , went to the toilet and the next I know I'm lying on floor half passed out. So, I try to go back to bed to ride out the pain but it gets really bad so I go downstairs and wake my father. It was around half four in the morning when I went downstairs , my father told me to lie down on his bed but the pain gathered up in my stomach and the only way to relieve it was by sitting up and burping.

It wasn't untill my father gave me some pills to relief the pain that I had three hours more sleep. Well the next day I spent the whole day without eating , since I knew if I ate something I would be in pain and I spend the whole day lying on the family couch since it hurt to move. Well it wasn't untill sunday I felt better but had to only eat light food like I had a fruit salad for breakfast and chicken soup for lunch and nothing else.

Yesterday I also brought a new hello kitty plush toy , the one in red and my mother brought me the tea set. The other photos were things I brought previously , when shopping for clothes.

This morning went to the gym , to be honest I wasn't at 100% well but I was well enough to go.

White winter but sick as a dog

Its been snowing , so a white Christmas looks set to happen. However yesterday got sick with a stomach bug where I had muscle aches , chills , stomach pain and nausea. This morning I woke up at 5:ooam since I had real bad stomach pains.

Its kind of hurts to eat anything so , I have only had a peanut bar and nothing else. I have a major loss of appetite , I thought I had swine flu since I fit more than three symptoms. But I think its just a stomach bug and feel much better now than I did before but I'm annoyed that I couldn't go to the gym this morning because I'm feeling a bit weak.

Well my brother's birthday is on the 24th december however realistically we can't celebrate it on that day properly since its christmas eve so tomorrow we are going to celebrate it and invited all his friends.

I guess I'm annoyed for getting sick since this throws me off from my study plan so I need to amend my study plan.

Winter snow and new shoes /dress

Santa Max :)

This is the dress I'am going to where for my brothers 8th birthday with the black shoes I brought. I brought another dress however party dresses are like coats you need to buy a size bigger , so maybe tomorrow or monday I'll go quickly with my father in the car to exchange the dress for a bigger size.

Well today it started snowing , so I guess it might be a white christmas but right now it started raining so who knows how the weather will go.

Well my study pan so far is going ok. Finished drawing the diagrams for this part of my homework so thats some homework done already plus I finished typing out this questionnaire .

Oh , yeah I brought this new 2010 year planner . I really want the new year to come so I can start planning homework and journaling my weight loss. I think I need a planner since sometimes I forget little things that end up being really important. So, my motivation this week will be to work hard in the gym and finish the homework I will have something to write in my planner.

My day will go like this tomorrow:

6:50am-7:50 : gym/ 4-5 mile run/jog

8:20-8:30am : Breakfast

10:00am : homework or going out to exchange dress

12:00pm-1:00pm : Lunch / call student finance about loan for university

2:00pm: homework

4:00-5:00pm- Dinner

6:00pm -8:00pm : Martial arts

9:00pm : Bed

Restart week

Well I think a UK size ten is like a size 8 in America . I looked on one of those conversion charts some time ago.

Well I measure my waist this morning it was 26.8inches , the lower abdomen went from 33inches to now 32.5inches.

I'm looking to get back to the 26 inch waist I had at the start of the summer. Well I'm planning to weigh myself again on Monday . I call this week a restart week , where my body is getting used to this new routine.

The workout I did this morning was 5.10 mile jog / run . Where I experimented with different speeds. My leg muscles are kind of sore since I also experimented with the incline level where I would be walking really fast at 12.0 then running really fast with the speed at 6.1 with the incline level at 0.0.

disappointed

Went to the gym this morning .

My workout was 10 miles on the stationary bike that lasted 31minutes , then I moved on to the treadmill with the incline at 3.5 and speed of 5.0. I did the 40 minutes there. Well I have no idea whats going on but my weight went from 59kgs to 60kgs over one week.

I think it was due to the change in the mornings where I now start off with a pre-work out snack between 140- 250kcals. Since the mornings workouts on an empty stomach were almost making me throw up while jogging and it was stopping me from exercising to my full capacity.

So I guess the 2lbs I thought I lost over the two weeks was just carbohydrate stores or my body hanging on to that fuel since it thinks it won't be receiving any fuel anytime soon therefore this week I 'm starting again with losing the weight. Since my body again needs to adjust to this new routine .however I wasn't mistaken about the inches being lost and my stomach is definitely flatter and I still fit in nicely to UK size 10 jeans. I guess I got be patienced this week and follow my study plan and workout plan.

This has left me disappointed and today to be honest I had a fat day where I felt like a balloon and my father didn't make things any better by saying I looked better at 140lbs that made me feel really horrible. I said when I was at 140lbs I was classed as slightly overweight , that 120lbs looks anorexic to him. I'm thinking his going into two different extremes here that one. he preferred me overweight . Two . 120lbs is perfectly a healthy weight but he thinks it looks anorexic.

study/workout plan

Starting from tomorrow . I will start a study/workout plan .
So , I can finish college work and spend this time working out in the gym.
Tomorrow will be 4-5 mile jog on treadmill .

Then go home, at 10:00am start college work. Probably will start drawing the diagrams and scan it into the computer.

Well today took some measurements of myself.

Waist was 27inch now- 26.9inch
Thigh was 21inch now- 20.8inch.

Well that's a good sign I'm losing some weight but tomorrow morning is weigh in day. Hopefully will be back into the 20's range again. To be honest I feel much better now than I did in the summer holidays since I know I'am doing things right this time. Its funny really that I see my hands lose weight quicker than anywhere else that my rings are really loose and sometimes fall out.

Maybe on tuesday or wednesday I will go out and look for the dress , hopefully get some new clothes.

Christmas holidays and early gifts

Merry christmas , finally got out for christmas holidays . Well finally got my ring I ordered through ebay ... yehh. The christmas tree is up and I'm hunting a dress for christmas , I took a cute photo of Max sleeping owwwwww.

College

This 9 bar that I brought , I'm wrestling finshing to eat it ...

New book I borrowed from the public library about this blind psychic woman who regains her sight.

Studying and looking at her phone hmmmmmmmm.

Took a photo of my friend Vandhanna ,

Waiting outside the classroom , with the door locked.

Mother's behviour very addictive

Well , I had dinner with my mother , brother and sister. My father was still at the gym , well today was one of those days where talking with my mother gets heated , where I easily fall into the old behaviour of getting annoyed with her for asking questions that make no sense. For her to display her controlling behaviour , which just sets me off even more.

She's like 'why don't sleep later? , instead of waking up going to the gym early'
'you end up tired and looking like your gonna fall asleep on the spot'

I'm thinking 'One , I decided to change my routine so why bother questioning it ' Then I told her 'well the time you see me half asleep when its half eight in the night near to bed time'

Then I explain to her how I like to run my day on precise times even on the weekends like I make breakfast on saturdays since my mothers at work . However since she's just changed sunday nights shift to friday night. Last sunday morning she took one hour to have a shower and 30mins to get dressed , by that time it was half eight and I was already chewing my arm off to get something to eat . So when that happen I end up doing breakfast and even like that she isn't finshed changing , we ended up having breakfast at 9:30-40am.

When I ask to wake up at 7:20 am , she's 'just, one day in the week I wanna wake up later and you know that I like to take time and not be rushed and do things my own way.

I'm a little bit in shock and I say'well I wake up at 7:20am and thats not even early and on the week you wake up at 7:00am while I always wake up at 6-6:20am and I'm up and going .'

Seriously , my mother only like to do things on her own terms not on anyone elses . Where she sees she's losing her control on things she like shuts down on recieving any new ideas.

When things like this happen I notice I tend to want to emotional eat or just not eat .

My day today

This is how my tattoo looks like now , I guess you can call it my sign that people will recognise me by.

This was a part of the lunch I had , love these bars.

Took this photo aswell of the christmas lights.

Took a photo of the big christmas tree near the gym , in the early morning while walking .

My gym clothes I wear for my 5mile jog on the treadmill , actually did more than other days. By the way do you think I captured orbs of spirits in this photo , the lense was clean. Hmmm....

New phone yahhhhh

New shoes that my mother brought me yesterday.


Got new phone and its fucking cool. Touch screen which is really easy to use , a 12 mega pixel camera. Also has internet where I can use anywhere so that means I can maybe blogg in the classroom or just go on you tube. Its the first time I have been really excited about about a phone.

I'm thinking about doing every monday a weigh in , like I'll weigh myself in the morning on an empty stomach. The goal is to lose 5-10lbs by the end of december till the mid January.

So , I weighed myself today .. Yesterday I wasn't exactly on 130lbs it was more like 130.8lbs so today offically is 130lbs.

So in two weeks I have lost 2lbs from weight that was gained. That means I need to lose the 4lbs I have gained to take me back to 126lbs. From there carry on to lose 6lbs. This time round I know I'm on the right track and I have gut feeling that I stopped this weight gain that was going on.

Anyway shout out to Johnz really loved your comment and thanks as always for the advise. Oh and by the way I changed the template was that the posting comment box thing didn't appear couldn't be bothered to find out how to fix it.

Whats going on?

Today has been the tipping point... I know this may sound vain me going on about weight but people can never really know how it feels like to be once overweight and have so many misfortunes because your over weight. I guess its when my father and I had that coverstation about early gym mornings is when stopped the weight gain that was going on.

Since I felt like the black trousers I like wearing were getting tight , now there not tight. Its very difficult doing this kind of thing by yourself. With my emotions out of whack aswell it kind of gets muddled together. That are moment where I feel like my brain releases a spray and I get angry or snappy or just get really dark.

I guess this whole weight loss thing is something else I really really really want. I believe if you want something so much it can come true but I guess you are going to be tested to see if you deserve it.

I really don't care if it seems shallow , I don't really advertise this fact . Its just a 'work in progress' kind of thing. Everyone has a deep desire for some sort of goal , well obviously university always come first in my books.

In denial

Weighed myself today... found out I weigh 130lbs. Not surprised , I knew in the summer holidays I gained some weight since I went from eating really little to going and eating erratically , so I have gained 4 lbs but I know four weeks ago , I weighed 135lbs. Its only been fours weeks that I have finally found a normal eating pattern. Hopefully by mid december I should be back to 126lbs and for January aim for 120lbs.

It was kind of devestating , to find out I gained but I know this time around I'll lose the weight . I just don't want end up like a yo-yo dieter that would the worst thing ever.

cold.......

This book I borrowed from the college library , its for another homework that I have to give in after christmas.




Doing some homework here for college. However , its really cold maybe I'll put it down to low blood sugar levels. Right now my kitchen is been torn apart since the wiring in the kitchen is dodgy and the kitchen appliances keep on going off. However , my father knows the owner of our house is being ripped off since the electrician is going on about drilling holes ion the wall. So, my father has made it really clear that the job has to be finished today.

Meet max

Meet Max, his the dog I predicted that would be our next dog. It was like I saw in my head what our next dog would look like even before my father went to buy the dog. It came true , that was the most shocking think my prediction came true.

Strange , really fell in love with him first sight.... :) got martial arts in 30 mins

The layers of me

Just been thinking about the layers that make me , really .... I have obsessive behaviours , where I can only think about one think , it can be distracting. Also , today I saw some weird things today . I was in the kitchen , I turned around and I saw my little brother , it looked like he had a black ring around his head and a black shape bell looking thing on top of his head.

Don't know what to make of it. Things like this just add another layer to me and of course the other human layers I have wanting to be lighter since I see being quite short I should be light , I guess that layer is the vanity one.

Well speaking about my mother hear for a second ... I have noticed she has lost some weight. With her behaviours it can makes it hard for me to be sensible about losing the 4-5 lbs since I see my mother modelling such behaviours. It kind of makes me think in my head 'well , fuck it I know I can lose quicker if a eat xxx amount of food' .

However my rational mind kicks in and says 'well , what happens when you stop losing . you will end up binging and feeling bloated , which will make you feel more unhappy' It kind of sucks been put in this position seen my mother's actions kind of want to make me justify my own. But , I know these are excuses I make for myself to get the easy way out.

f---K I think my mother has an bulimia

Right now , I think I'm hearing my mother trying to make herself throw up. The bathroom downstairs gives off an echo. I think I have mentioned before my mother has shown to have disordered eating patterns. Especially , I know she buys laxatives since I've seen them.

Well , I'm not surprised since I'm first to admit I have disordered eating thoughts and habits. There have articles published by doctors that eating disorders can be genetic. I really don't if I should approach the subject , fuck I don't even know I should care.

In the past , while trying to eat into some normal eating pattern , I have experienced a brief episodes of bulimia However , I have found this made my face puffy and I could end up gaining the weight I had lost. Therefore , I did lots of research on what 'normal eating' was . It meant a healthy lifestyle choice not a diet but a lifestyle choice. I could ever choose to eat 'junk food' , that causes binges , then you feel you want to restrict. Or,I can choose to eat better nourishing food , which makes me feel happy.

I chose option two , so far it has worked for me. However , my mother who is now 38 years old doesn't like have a more open mind. Therefore, its really hard to try and tell her new ideas since she's stuck in her own 'way of thinking'

Well, I'm thinking of maybe consulting my father . However , my father's view on mental illnesses is pretty cynical , he does think about it and gives out advice but his tired of trying to care of my mother for all these years. I really hope I don't sound too cruel , its just I'm giving my honest view on what I'm thinking. God forgive me , if it sounds too diabolical

100th post people - Paranormal activity

Just saw paranormal activity

, my review ' a waste of money' . Just a lot of door slamming and freaky sounds coming out a chick squealing to a invisible ghost. The only scary part was the ghost pulling the girl out from her bed , while her boyfriend jumps out from the bed to save her.

Well , today I'm feeling more hope full I get the feeling in my other posts . I might been expressing some negative feelings. Maybe I was indulging in them , anyway can't believe this is my hundred post. I sense I have been slowly developing my blog into the direction I want to take it. Here is where I feel most free in expressing whats in my mind since in real life you can't simply say what your thinking. Just imagine if everyone were say the things they were thinking , there would be a third world war there.

Ok, my abilities are still there . For some strange reason I was thinking they were going to go. But I realize my abilties are connected to my emotions . The last three days I had been feeling not so good so I guess I was just in that one frame of mind and I was ignoring the my outer surroundings and other things. I think now I 'am going to have deal with these emotions that are popping up , which I think that has to do with my abilities.

I guess my questions is 'will my emotions be any different , than a normal person's emotion?'
Since last week I have been noticing that my emotions react differently to a normal persons.

alone

Didn't go to that party thing , felt too tired. Well I disappointed my father with that decision , so he said angrily that I can stay home. I don't if the choice I made is right but honestly I feel like my soul is abit tired. Johnz if your reading this I don't mind if you comment on the other blogg its fine.

Right now as I'm typing this I'm alone in the house. I just can't stand at the moment talking with other people , trying to look nice and having to sit down aimlessly on a chair listening people speaking nonsense. I'm feeling to left alone , like everyone has some one to speak to except for me.

Better posture and some God talk

Yeah , I'm leaning comfortable on a wall while typing this post. My shoulders don't hurt and my posture is not so hunched. Since the last three days the stress of last weekend just typing out my college work in a hunched position for more than 4 hours killed my shoulders and I was feeling lots of pain afterwards.

In other news , maybe at 5pm my family and I maybe going to my father's aunties silver anniversary . However , the people who set it up is this christian group . Who are REALLY religious. Plus they tend to unpunctual about time so , the invite says 5pm for sure they will start it by 5:30pm or later and finish really late.

Plus , I know for it will be boring as hell , excuse the pun. I'm all gun ho for god but this people spend half there type waiting for a miracle instead of making there miracle come true. It like god isn't going to personally make your prayers come true , he helps you if you move and make something happen and like help you find the things you need. If your like looking for work he'll probably help you find a long lost friend that can help you find work.

My motto is (something I made up now) :)

' Miracles happen with reaction'

stress ful two days

well yesterday , there was the grading in my father school . We all got yellow belts , the hall was packed with both the kids and the adults training together. I was trying to hold it together since I felt really tired and drained , still feel that way right now. Right now I wanna go to sleep , I want to say forever but thats dangerous thinking if you get my drift.

I guess the last two days , has made me stand out from my family members. With the dog dying and everything and guess what my father is planning to buy a new puppy. I'm thinking WTF , the dog just died and your like thinking of buying a new one but oh well , they say I have a cold heart about my father is already planning a replacement.

I guess whats hurt me the last two days is my fathers tactless comments on how 'I don't give a shit, about the dog' . When , my father says comments like that it makes me question how would I react with a person I knew died. 'Would I react the same way?'

The funny is sometimes I laugh when I see someone dying in one of those movies. I don't really laugh when people are all laughing at a joke together , I'm like the only one not laughing. I don't know , what to think . I guess I was waiting for my father to say 'its ok , the react that way' or 'I don't judge you'

Update on the after effects of the death

well... My mother called my father to see what was happening , my father explained the situation fully. Low and behold my mother started crying through the mobile when my father was explaining what happened in the animal hospital.

Guess my mother got close to the dog as well , I guess I was the only one who didn't really want the dog from the start. I'm being honest I really didn't like the dog that much , really thought of it as a something to be nice to once and a while. But , I didn't hate it just didn't hold to much expectations of having a pet dog.

My father is kind of blaming himself since the x-rays showed the dog swallowed shards of broken glass from a coco-cola bottle and my father feel guilty for forgetting to clear it up. I'm like saying to him that the dog could of swallowed anything , it just happened to be that.

I guess I'm the only one who hasn't cried , I'm there trying to give moral support but trying my hardest not to be insensitive.

Stupid dog , went and died

Was going home , I went and phoned my father saying I was coming home . He said 'Ichigo , I have bad news ' I 'm like worried and I say 'what happened ???' . The dog died .....

I'm like shocked , saying 'Oh , my god' many times . Clearly I could hear my father was chocked up about it since he was really closed to the dog and so was my brother and sister.

My mother and I on the other hand lets say we weren't so emotional about it , since my father , brother and sister were brawling there eyes out as where I haven't cried at all. So as usual my father says 'I don't how you and your mother can have such a cold heart'

Well to be honest , I don't how to feel about this whole thing . Since emotions is a reaction to an event . My reaction wasn't to cry , or feel sad . I guess I have the thing of not being sad or emotional in my head that when it comes to things like this that part of my brain is switched off.

Its strange really , my dog benji was only 10-11 weeks died , but I really feel sad more is for my father since he watched the dog vomit blood since he had swalled a sharp object that was destroying his insides. My father , god he was crying and obviously he is not a man who cries easily.

Having always a sunny deposition

I feel sometimes that I have to always carry a sunny deposition , if not my father will get angry and say 'you have nothing to be sad about , since your only a teenager'

This makes me feel that I can't feel sad or angry , that I just got to be in one mood. Since I'm just a teenager , so there absolutely nothing in my life that would cause me to feel angry a tiny bit depressed. Therefore , I have to be always smily and joyful.

HOWEVER IT CONFUSES ME , when my father then says 'Ichigo , what don't you show any emotion or laugh in a joke'

I think , well my current state of one emotion only allows for smiles and besides 'why , the hell will I laugh , when I don't find the joke funny'

Its so f---ing confusing

Goddamm shoulder muscle hurting

I've been spending the weekend and right now doing my college work, ITS P*&@ING ME OFF SINCE MY SHOULDER MUSCLE ALWAYS STARTS HURTING SINCE THE POSITION I'M FOR TYPING IN LONG PERIODS OF TIME MAKE MY SHOULDER MUSCLE HURT. AHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Ok another of being 'ANNOYED' :P , I really hope when I give in the work I won't have to do it again. But , if I have to well ; what can I do? however I will complain and ask why I got to do it again

anyways its 9:14pm goodnight

Seeing new moon tomorrow

I'am going to see new moon tomorrow , excited since I really don't go out anywhere. Sometimes I would like a social life but I know I would get irritated after with constantly have to talk with people and going out.

Just had dinner , for some strange reason I feel annoyed like I don't want anyone to talk to me or touch me. I just want to stay by myself , alone but thats really bad behaviour since sometimes I feel like I maybe slipping a little on going into past antisocial behaviour. You can easily get sucked back in if your not careful. However , I knew if I were to stay downstairs any longer I would probably have burst of anger coming out and when that happen I usually do something or say something at the heat of the moment.

That why I think I'am not an anger person , since I don't how to be angry and angry people know how. I simply give my anger in a burst and not really form a proper angry action or response.

Wish list for christmas

I really want a hello kitty camera , if I'am gonna get one thing for christmas it will be a hello kitty camera. :P




Hmmmm..... This year I have a wish list for christmas . In the past I hated asking for things since I felt like I was selfish for asking and felt as through I didn't earn it. There fore I would say no if my parents would ask me what I wanted.

Well nows different I've grown up and realized that I do deserve things , its not like I'm a criminal.

Rain , Rain

Looks like the UK gonna flood , with this rain especially outside of London. Where people have to travel in inflatable boats around there towns just to get somewhere. People have been saying for year that the UK is going to sink and since its one big island we won't have anywhere to escape.
This photo is just outside my house now imagine the outside of London where the rain is hitting really hard.

Wonder if peoples predictions are coming out true?

Especially with the 2012 coming up people predict either we are all gonna die or there will be a spiritual rebirth in everybody. However , films like '2012' are not exactly calming peoples fears of the Apocalypse. Hell , I hate disaster movies I guess I feel it offends my beliefs that we can't do anything to help our selves since the world has gone to pot and if we do die that means 'there's no god'. But , believe if people start to think positively all that positive energy will help us.

just woke up

Its 8:15 am here , I wonder if the digital clock I added on shows the time here or it simply shows the time of the readers country. mmmmm...

Well nothing much to report , except woke up from a deep sleep. On sundays I feel like I sleep more since the whole other six days I wake up early.

London time

Found a setting where , I added in a digital clock to show what time it is in london. :)

Feeling strange

It's just turned 8pm here , my father downstairs is singing spanish songs inthe computer room. Right now I feel strange like my emotions are low and my body feels too light , maybe my bodies and some stress . Well I don't know , just reading Johnz recent post and I think yeah sane people are the most unhappiest were 'insane people' (quote ME:) are happy . I have had those moments where people tell me 'Are you insane ?' or course I say 'Nah , just happy'

I think sane people live too much on what they think is normal , that when normal doesn't happen they become unhappy. But , insane people learn that normal doesn't mean happy the abnormal can mean happiness.

I wanna sleep now but still to early , I go so sleep alway around 9pm or a little later.

Friday's lesson

Friday's lesson we had to make aspirin , using this chemical that gave off a really strong odor. Which made me feel a little dizzy and everyone else in the class, there was like only one fume cupboard which was not good since everyone was being exposed to the chemicals smell.

Well I have two assignments to do based on friday's evening lesson and the lesson in the morning which is forensic collection and analysis of evidence. Really hoping that our teachers gets sacked , since the whole language thing is a real problem since we find it hard to understand him at times.

My new blogg on blogger

I have decided to write a story blogg on blogger , I will neither conform or deny whether the story is true. Its for the ready to decide.

Its called recycling of the spirit

I will keep using both bloggs , my first will be about whats happining currently with me and my new one will be about the story.

Highlights of today in photos

A nice cup of 'joe' :)




Took these photos , while waiting at the bus stop to go home after college. Thought ' what the heck' and I took the photos.

Well in college my head was still pounding , it was becoming annoying the pounding , even now its throbbing a bit.

My frigging head is pounding

My head is pounding so much , I just want to go to sleepppppp. Blahhhhh . Well I did my work for Friday , tomorrow I have martial arts from 6-8pm. Therefore I have decided to not go to the gym after coming back from college at half 12. Since going to the gym then going to martial arts , I burn out quickly towards the end where all my energy is zapped and I'm like a zombie.


I think today at college , was a little psychotic . Where I feel implusive and start making random noises. OOOOOOOOO I wanna go to sleep now but got 40 mins to go till bed time , which is usually 9pm for me.

anyway see ya

what will happen next

I wonder what will happen next once I fight my way to university , I start to think 'what next?' . Like I really don't see myself getting married and I don't want children since I'm to vain for that. I guess in my idyllic world I would be rich from discovering the cure to cancer :p

I would spend my life researching into psychic powers , but goal is one to win the Nobel prize , two set up my own hospital and three wellllllllll. Become super clever at maths , now that would be a shocker and a huge achievement . At the moment the goal in improving in maths is more likely , but I guess I have always so myself setting up a hospital in future , since it was something I talked about when I was much younger.

I see just even finishing university as a great achievement in its own right , as it kind will prove some people doubts that they may have had about me in the past and will see me as a warrior who fought back at life's cruelties.

Next thursday being graded

My father came back with head protection and head guards for next thursdays grading. Where everyone is gonna get a yellow belt. In the grading I'm going to have to sparr my father in a semi contact way.

Objects used as a tool of self belief

Yesterday night my father and I , were watching youtube this south american show could extra normal. It was basically a show about paranormal investigations , the investigations showed very real stuff. In whole of south america every one has very deep rooted beliefs about religion and the paranormal , from what we saw from the show these people were find the spirits with there fear and terror.

Since them praying in fear to god , they were actually attracting the undead. I also now have discovered that people use objects as a way of self belief but in the matter of fact is they are using there minds. However, the objects that they use to banish spirits is a way of self belief , they need the objects as to perform these actions since that what they deeply believe that will help them.

Hard to find a true friend

Its hard sometimes , I see myself as a person under construction like . I spent all of last year dropping lbs , that meant I was focused on one mind set at the time and forgot the rest. Now , with my physically fitness at a high . I guess that part of me that was under construction is 99% complete with just 1% left , now that I'm not focused on one thing my mind is now aware of other things.

I guess its about life experience , to go through self preservation and to be always improving your self. To be honest , I now realise when you go back into spiritualism there will be forces there trying to knock you off the path. Like people in college or just other things in general , I have never really fitted in to any social groups and have always found the teenagers in high school and in college annoying. I really have never found a true friend , a person with the same interests as me , who I can relate to.

What seems to happen when I socialise with people my own age group is that I end up talking with them then suddenly. I end up looking at them as they from the outside as they talk amongst themselves since they have already clicked together since they find that they need each other to make themselves feel better. Or they the other person buff there ego since they feel to insure themselves.

I'm there just looking how other people my age are so spiteful to each other and mean. I'm just there remaining impartial to everything knowing if I don't these people could socially attack me at any moment they like.

I guess my true 'want' at the moment is to find a true last friend'.

Life in photos

Start my day always with a cup of coffee no milk just sugar after coming back from the gym .


Love Hello kitty at the moment trying to get all the merchandise :)

Here the last book in the twilight series break drawn , I brought the book in the Alanta airport where I had the wait eight hours before I could catch my flight back home to london.


Here's my the black belt for Karate I did all those years back .

Finally here the university I really want to go to and the course I wanna study.