christmas wasn't as expected

Christmas came and went . It was anti-climatic , it is like all the christmas joy suddenly was sucked out of me and replaced by dissapointment. It kind of felt like I was the only one trying to spread christmas joy but everyone else looked like they had given up.

I'm like thinking maybe its took late for me to celebrate it since I'm already old and my father has gotten tried of trying to make christmas joyful for me since in the past I didn't want do anything. Its like I'm going into that phase again when I think 'what next?' , somethimes I feel like I'm doing the same thing over and over again. That nothings changing and I think what will happen when I reach 21.

Today , I have just really have been having terrible thoughts and I feel like I have added on twenty pounds overnight like I'm carrying around a huge weight that won't get off. I just feel numb and I'm filled despair like I'm waiting for the next bad thing to happen.