gETTING SUCKED BACK IN

I think the holidays are killing me. I'm getting this warped feeling like I'm high on drugs when I haven't taken anything. Millions of thoughts of dying and ways of doing it , like how its easy to buy millions of paracetamol and aspirin and how I would store it in my hello kitty box.

How I'M just bobbing my head right now back and forward and fidgeting non-stop here. Well one good thing here is if I'm going mad at least , I won't be fat and mad . I can be one of those extremely fit person who's secretly mad.

I guess its ever the holidays or this stage in my life where I go into periods of mania and depression. I guess my beloved father view would be' go do it' but knowing my father he would be really thinking in his mind ' GOD DON'T FUCKING DO IT'

I guess right now I really want a break in life , I want to go back to college and hear that my retarded tutor has already sent my application for university. I want to organize my workspace but can't concentrate long enough to do it. To be honest this feeling Right is addictive and its easy to go back into maybe I can do all the things I do now and be this way as well. Who knows through madness creativity and inspiration comes through. Aren't all great geniuses made?

I guess right now different things make me .
Wanting to push the limits of my body.
Seeing the paranormal

I wonder if seeing is making me a little loopy.