Christmas holidays deadly for your sanity

Apart from going to the gym this morning , I haven't been anywhere else. To be honest it was kind of a boring day. It didn't make things better when I have to constantly see my mother since I have now gotten used not seeing her in normal working days. Since when she's here its a painful reminder that she doesn't meet up my expectations of doing motherly duties , that shes has spent so much time consumed with her job that she does not know what to do at home.

Its like the holidays make me see how alien my family members may look since I might be seeing there true faces. Its like I'm stuck in one set of moral values and feelings as where my brother and sister are slowly growing up 'normal'. Where there been left to there own devices like any other child in this 21st century , e.g spending the whole day playing video games , sitting down and doing nothing.

This Christmas , I want to make it mine since just this once I want to have hope that what Christmas stands for could happen. Where unity in the family is there but as where all other Christmas's I see how there a great veneer of fakeness in family unity especially in mine. I guess I remember one christmas I truely saw how fake the suspose christmas cheer there was , I got extremely drunk and tried to kill myself with painkillers that were prescribed to me. I remember in my drunken state how my father said 'if your gonna slit your wrists , well do it then' as my father was extremely angry for my display of anger and negative attitude. So in my stubborness I tried to but remember been shoved by my mother to go to bed.

Well in the next morning it wasn't spoken about since I apologized deeply for my poor display as a person and was forgiven. I tell this story not to justify why I might not have strong feelings towards this holiday but to show how far I have come in just wanting to find 'hope' in shaping a christmas I can enjoy.