My old friend 'madness'

My father dearest has started a new job, delivering car parts around London. I'm happy for him since his got a job and obviously it improves things financially in the house hold. But it has one side effect ..... I'm left alone in the house.

I guess being 18 years old doesn't change the fact , that you will feel neglected. My problem is , since I don't openly say 'Oh, I dislike being left alone , or I feel neglected' , I think my father thinks 'Oh , she's doing just fine'

Being left alone these days just gives me an excuse to wallow into some madness and think of destructive things. I guess some one being physically in the house whether there downstairs , will make my mind feel at ease. I know what my father's response would be 'oh, even if I'm at home your upstairs in your room' Well , I'm not most of the time in my room but I guess I just like the feeling of another presence in the house.

Right it just makes think of how isolating my life could be sometimes with out my father being here or my siblings I would be very much alone. I guess in the past wouldn't have cared since I had my madness as a companion that would be there for me and gave my something to think about. I see right now that kinda of happening , where I'll forget about feeling alone and concentrate on the other feelings of mania , despair and some anxiety.

I feel like saying that in times of isolation I turn to my old friend 'madness' he doesn't judge my feelings or say I'm being stupid to feel that way. He'll just make feel fuzzy and suggest 'some painkillers for a happy numbing effect' or skip lunch 'you'll feel nice and light' Well I'll hear his suggestions and think about it again and again till 'I'll it ain't worth it right now'

But, I will be honest and say I'am tempted since it gives me something else to think about and feel about. Its strange how people would find a friend out of no where , like there will oh , I got a friend his name is OCD or I got friend and her name despair.