Looking back

i'm here sitting down in room , just looking at random programmes. I guess I'am here pondering about the past a little. This post is properly an extension of the post I did previously , well my life ... what can I say about my life. Well I have a mother .. my mother's behaviour currently is topic of converstation , her lack of common sense is getting irritating. Since she is saving money but to the extreme where there was 100 pounds short for the rent but 'apparently' she has no money.

This type of behaviour makes no sense , my mothers behaviour is an result of years of social isolation. I guess being isolated as a child , girl and woman damages a woman greatly. My mother's past has greatly affected her in ways that no one can understand. Like in those movies where a feral child is found and they have no social understanding of anything. My mother is like that , what else can I say when people meet my mother they either want to laugh at her , pity her or just bully her.

I used to say to my father , 'I 'am my mother that never was' since I could be mistaken for my mothers sister. My father agreed to what I said, people who know pretty have said that I have never really spoken about my mother. Well my answer for that is there is never really say about my mother.

I guess in the past , I had feelings of anger to my mother . Those feelings were that she wasn't strong enough to protect me as a child. Even now I know deep in my uncounsious that I still habour those feelings.

These days I just ignore her to save the hassle in realizing that shes there suffering by herself. Where I'am here myself sometimes gripped by my despair sometimes but I don't sit there
in my despair. Since if I do , I know the rest will fall , its things that have tooken so long to stand up again I know in a heartbeat can be knocked down. Even now I'am still here doing these internal struggles by myself.