start college tomorrow

Well going by the email recieved , I start college tomorrow at 9:00 am . I'am excited to start college but its almost like a manic exciting since its like I'am really happy then when I settle down its like I'm kind of drained.

To Johnz I thank you for your comments that you leave behind and don't worry about saying anything wrong since you never do.

My thoughts at the moment are becoming quite morbid to say , in past I had constant thoughts like

'What would happen if stood in front of a bus?'
or I would hold my breathe in the bath underwater to see how long I could hold my breathe to see if I could pass out.

In the past I would do these kind of things and lets say other things , which weren't pleasant. I guess my last summer holidays , was like rehab for my mind. I remember how in my younger teens , I was griped by periods of extreme terror it was a horrible period of life.

But , to really say I'am recovered of that mental 'plague' I can't really say yes since its like saying an alcoholic will never think about drinking again. So , I guess I can say that those thoughts , feelings and actions won't ever completly go away but its how I deal with is what makes the difference.

I can say sometimes it hard since I'am not fortunate enough to have support systems like other people do . I guess I'am my own support system , which I'am there motivating myself to carry on working hard , to not give up. Its kind of ironic since I'am there motivating myself but on the other hand my mind is giving me morbid images and I'am there sometimes having feelings of terror.