Does it seem like a silly idea of wanting to learn ballet? well I'm only 18 so it wouldn't make me that old , or would it.
These couple of days I have been have this strange urge to learn ballet. Its like each time I look at photo's of ballerina's or see a performance , I get the urge in wanting to learn.
I wonder if its just a 'phase' or a genuine desire in wanting to learn. I wonder how can I really tell. I guess there are things I wanna do but I don't want to pile on lots of things and end up doing nothing.
So, far I have seen clips of the nutcracker on YouTube and sleeping beauty and it just leaves me , mesmerised. What appeals to me of ballet is the elegance of the movements . How the ballerina's do such great leaps and jumps but can be so soft and be so elegant when landing. These trades is what I lack , its like my movements are sometimes harsh which end up making me clumsy sometimes.
I never really did get into the whole femmine , I have also wanted to have a boyish figure and be flat chested and still do. Since , I don't care about men not like liking flat chested women since i don't want other men looking at me. Just , the thought other men looking me sends me into praying in head for god to protect from the evils of men. I guess , I rather a man tells me he looks at porn than for him to be staring at me.
I guess I still have an acute fear of men. There has been only person who I confessed to about my fear , that is my grandfather . Till this day I don't why I said that and he isn't even my biological grandfather. Each time I think about that even I get extremely embarassed thinking that I must of really been crazy to admitt such a thing.
Since before admitting that to him , I remembering how each time I was in close contact with him my anxiety levels would shoot up. There was one occassion where he suddenly wrapped his hands around my neck from behind me . I remember I my body shook when that happen I swear I was having a mini panic attack from inside. Then my grandmother took a photo of us since before we were taking photos and stuff.
I guess my grandfather , was the person I could truly model what a father should act like since he gave me those boundaries and limits.
2 comments:
I think the more you focus on your desire to study dance, it show a greater interest in learning it. Ive always enjoyed enjoyed the violin and wanted to learn. Recently as my memories of the past return, I recall that I had taken lessons as a child. As I kind of plan to stay alive a little longer, i consider taking lessons in hopes that it can spark more memories. But I dont think I will because I feel I lack talent. Its like thinking and advice, If someone has a question or issue, i can give great advice, so they say. but personally I cant help myself or follow my own advice.
I fear everyone, more so men then women.
Your right when you say men look at you and have such thoughts, in my experience, its true.
Flat chested girls have always had more appeal to me and I could never understand why every man i speak to aggrees that bigger is better. They are aukward, heavy, girls complain that it makes their backs hurt. The few girls as such that ive dated say so.
Porn has a different meaning to me. I call any nude, porn, my collection personally was more like 14th century nude model paintings, but that era the women are to heavy, where as I like the skinny muscular female form of today. And most think porn is all sex, and hating being touched, I cant really "enjoy" such movies because im analitical and think things like yuk do touch me, but i have watched plenty of it for the mental shock value.
Im glad your grandfather taught you well, regardless he wasnt your blood relitive, I feel age and wisdom are the important things to think about.
Blood , to me isnt important, its the guiding hand one offers. agreat father can have and evil child and an evil parent can have a wonderful child, What we are taught by others is only half of what we become in the end.
You can be told that you are better then someone, and also see that treatment reenforced in the media, but inside, you feel that you are better but simply equal to them. Then it wouldnt matter of parental raising.
I always start with respecting women and elders, only later do i judge them to be good or bad.
i meant we aren't better then them, but all equal
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