he looks beautiful

God, he looks beautiful today. I almost feel like I don't quite match up , the last two days feel like his starting to reclaim his beauty. I see myself being left behind and it scares me ....

I do often think , what do I have to offer him? , I'm still a student , I have barely lived life . While his working , busy and incredible good looking and me ? He has known me at my heavest and has always been there despite the way I looked and I thought why?... why , stay with a short pudgy girl. He has admitted that I do look tons better than I did before but always says 'he loves me no matter what I looked like.

I guess , these are just my insecurities.

Love is hard, there will come a time where I might move but deep in my heart I know I wouldn't want to get together with another man. I joked once with him 'saying I'd rather become a lesbian than be with a guy' Well, the joke left him shunned but I guess I wasn't really joking since I take relationship's seriously , when a man tells you 'I love you' . He better mean it or not say nothing at all since love is serious , its hard , its many things.

I guess , right now I feel like I'am going mad with fears and some despair. Like I'am in own private torment , like one of those gothic romance novel . I haven't even got anyone talk to about my despair and torment over my romance and love. Besides what could they say?