Where does it leave me?

I wonder if I have the right to complain ? , both my parents are now working but there jobs make them be hardly at home. Would be find about this if it was just my mother. However my father is now away aswell , a couple of hours ago my father went for a overnight conference where he will be back tomorrow morning or night? I just don't know anymore.....

Now , when I say if I have have the right to complain, is that there's no one practically there to look after my brother and sister. I'm there at the crucial hours with my brother and sister as where my mother is only here in week morning's where my brother and sister are still at school. Its like my mother is here to clean the house (well she forgets sometimes but its getting more often) and to cook (a repeat of dry chicken and hard fries). So, her answer to this 'well dinner is ready there?'
Well I don't give a crap about there anymore since you stopped caring in cooking a decent meal but there's noone there to look after my sibling's.


Beisdes my mother dearest confessed some weeks ago , that why should I complain about her working hours when she knows that no one will miss her not even my brother and sister. Well I didn't care then since my father wasn't working his new job then but now I'm remembering that confession since there's no parental figure here to raise my brother and sister. and I can't do the job. If it has taken me so much effort to look after myself imagine my siblings.

Right now I can't even look at my mother anymore since she thinks that this is ok , that the four hours in the night or less is enough time to spend raising my brother and sister. Even does fours hours she's not even there , she's busy the ironing that she couldn't do in the morning or just watching TV. With my father now most of the time gone , there's no one and WTF I'm I susposed to do? My father counts on me to feed my siblings , to make sure on the weekends the house is tidy. I don't doing these jobs but there putting more emphasis in me doing these jobs.

Through out all of this , where those it leave me?

Can I really complain? when my parents are working to provide for us , I'm here feeling the most alone since I got no older sibling just me.

Kind of feels like my childhood of some sorts, there was no siblings just me and being alone you don't learn no social skills or develop emotions to certain responses or actions like other people would. So as a child you don't realize your alone , it only when you go to school and see other kids your age playing in groups that you realize your alone and since you don't what emotions to respond to that you just learn to deal with it.

Making my own bed

Today has been just about doing work from college and 'trying' to fix my room. But , I'm proud to say I fixed my own bed today. I know it sounds pretty lame, I guess I tend to leave that to my mother. So, today I decided to do it myself since I wanted to change the sheets since I had a cold over the last few days and wanted to sleep in clean sheets.

I hoping as well that this will give me better sleep , since the last few weeks I have been finding the bed uncomfortable to sleep in. As you can see in the photo my pillow is all lumpy, so most of the time I have to beat up my pillow to get it nice and puffy. Since my pillow gets flat easily and it makes feel like I'm sleeping on hard concrete.

Right now , I'm alone in the house my mother went to work already and my father is still working. I guess this is gonna be a permanent thing at the moment me being alone and doing my own thing. Wonder if this is how living alone most feel like minus going to work , I do my homework , try to clean my room and then pick up my brother and sister from school.

Any way recently , I have been getting male attention which is not new to me since when I was overweight I had alot of black and old dudes checking out my chest area. Which at that time repulsed me deeply and me want to cover myself up in many layers of clothes. But now what seems to be the new area of attraction is my backside or my 'gluteus maximums' , which surprises me since sometimes I wear the not the most feminine trousers. I'm glad at least its a sign that my chest area are no longer the main focus and that they stopped resembling inflated pancakes.

In addition , my hair has grown longer . Its actually the longest its been in years and with the added bonus its all natural hair since I haven't dyed my hair in over a year now. So, my hair doesn't feel like dog hair and I think I'am starting resemble more of being being a female than a butch wrestler.

With all these new developments , I have to fight that knee jerk reactions to run and hide. When I get that sort of attention instead I hold my head up high and try to create a strong presence and walk by them. To be honest I have never really seen myself as attractive in the face or body since before I looked way older for my age and my body looked over developed. When I was 15 some guy had mistaken my age for a 21 year old , which pissed me off severely. I was never one of does types of girls who wanted to look older for there age , even now I want to look as young as possible.

No purpose

First thing.. Thank You Johnz for the great link on remedies on colds, I actually read it and used some of the advise.

Well my cold is not that bad but I have got the usual symptoms of sneezing , coughing and having to blow my nose every five mins.

Got college on Wednesday , can't really say I'm jumping for joy but I guess the reason I'm seem to be going is not to be stuck at home. To have some sort of purpose , right now I feel like I have no purpose. That everyone else has found there's by having something to do whether its something trivial like going shopping.

I really want February to come since I get to start the maths study group again , which couldn't go all this month due to money issues. To honest here , I feel kind of cautious and uncomfortable of going back since I missed a month. But, on the other I'm thinking in head

'god dammit, I'm an adult already its not like I'm 15 going around like a headless chicken' Besides I couldn't go due to legitimate reasons.

Also can't wait to start ballet classes on tuesday since they start in february. At least this will push myself in challenging my beliefs about myself. That I'm too rough , too werid looking and not gracefull. Since these last two weeks I have spent most of the time alone haven't made my feelings about myself any better.

Maybe its due to the cold but I feel really weird right now ....

I'm tired

Its been two fucking weeks since I last saw my beloved , his stupid job and my family life are clashing drastically . Which has resorted to us not seeing each other , it feels like I'am going cold turkey off him. I guess he is like a drug to me , he makes me feel nice and loved . But I'am going crazy here , it feels like I'm on a desert island and I'am alone.

Today, I had seriously bad body image.

Its so hard sometimes since I got no one to talk to , no one of which I can have an intelligent conversation with. All , I got is my mother telling me at lunch 'are you ok?' and I'm like biting into a piece of bread and not thinking of anything . Then I say 'why?' since I never get why shes ask's the same fucking question when we are with out my father present on the table.

She's like 'well you never talk or say anything , you just stay quiet there' in my head I'm like 'well , I'm fucking eating here and I don't particularly have anything to talk about with you'

My dear sister the only ten but a lot common sense than my mother , chimes in and says 'well , she's quiet since she's concentrating on eating'

Since when I eat in the table I have the habit of just eating and when I finish I talk then. But, Mother seriously , she just doesn't get it if I do want to talk I'll choose to talk and I'll guarantee she won't be the first person I go to.

Right now , I'm just so tired of this shit. I really want to start learning ballet so I get meet new people and get out from my social anxiety I have . Ever since as far as I could remember I had social anxiety as a kid. Scared that people looked at me funny or afraid people would bully me for just looking different. Even now , that fear or paranoia comes but I push it aside since if I let it win . I'll end being 30 years old with many regrets since I was to scared to do anything.


One more thing.. I think I'am coming down with a cold. da da duh.

Oh well.

Oh, my god!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's gonna happen I have finally found a place to learn ballet, the course starts on February the 16th ooooooo. I'm so excited , it gives me a chance to work on my stretching and flexibility .

I can't believe I'm going to do it, some out of the ordinary for me. Well , I know when I start learning there will be times when I think I'm learning nothing but with my determination anything can be accomplished.

The only person that annoyed me, with questioning my decision was my mother. Since she was like 'are you sure , that your hearts in it?' and I'm like thinking WTF . She's seriously asking me that!? I'm like I'm not eleven years old , these kinds of things she would say to me as a child when each time I said I wanted to try something new, she would be like 'are you sure? , I don't won't after to say you changed your mind' She would ask me this many times , that it made me change my decision since I became convinced I would change my mind after.

She does this as well with my sister , when she tries to make her own decisions that my sisters ends up deciding on nothing.

I say No more , no more being convinced that my mind is so limited that won't do anything else. I say screw it . if I have to go by myself to ballet lesson's , I say screw it if I get lost going there.

What matter's is the experience , the experience of doing something new. Of having a life filled of experiencing new feelings and meeting new people. Something my mother will never do since she stopped wanting to experience life.

I'll laugh the day , I find out I'm underweight

I haven't weighed myself since the 1st January . Been sticking religiously to excerise and diet and given myself a realistic four months plan of lose 10lbs+. However, my mother two days ago made a comment she asked if I have eaten , I say 'yeah' and she was like 'are you sure?'

That left me suprised and I laughed thinking 'here we go again' then she said I was getting too skinny. I laughed my head off thinking unless I magically dropped 7lb+ from the 1st January , I don't how I look skinny. Obviously the comment she made hinted she thought I wasn't eating , god I eat I know perfectly well if I skipp a meal it will turn me into nasty ichigo.

Today, I told my father I feel I was getting those symptoms again of the illness I had in christmas. My father went off saying my illness is caused by me consuming too much cold food not enough hot food. That how he doesn't want to say anything about the amount I eat at dinner that his staying away from me since he doesn't want to see me become anemic , which is code for becoming anorexic.

I'm think I'm 5ft 3inches officially and estimate 128-9lbs . There no way that looks anorexic . the problem is there used to seeing me at one certain weight they imagine a smaller size and just imagine I only gained 5lbs over the summer its not gonna make such a difference, when I lose the 5lbs and continue to goal.

I'm gonna do it

I have decided to learn ballet, I thought to myself

'I'm not old , god I'm eighteen years old'

So there's still time , I'am in the best physical condition there is. So, I have been looking and phoning at least eight schools and they either only do kids or just far. But, there's one quite near to where I live so got to talk over with my father.

But, god I'am excited . I guess in my head I got three years to learn before I turn 21 .

I know this is not a phase , its a desire to learn to move.

Here's the details from there website:

Evgeny Goremykin benefitted from the training he received at the Bolshoi Ballet School. He is driven by a desire to pass on the knowledge and training that he received to the next generation. Russian Ballet produces technically strong dancers and there is a good reason for this. They are the product of a system based on three hundred years of knowledge. A system that relies on teachers in every school and theatre who performed in major roles and pass on the knowledge that they acquired to the next generation. The respect for this knowledge and experience has preserved the system that lies at the core of Russian ballet and gives it the look and power so often associated with it. It is this system that is so treasured by Evgeny, it is what he wishes to share with others.

We offer classes for all ages and abilities. These classes are under the direction of Evgeny Goremykin, a former Principal of the Bolshoi Ballet and Director of the School.

All forms of activity are important for us but ballet offers the rare combination of the mind and body working together. It is total relaxation because concentration is required, it is also an endless process which is why it is continuously rewarding. The physical benefits in terms of posture and flexibility are obvious but the additional benefits from the sense of well being, moving to music and challenging oneself cannot be underestimated.

wanting to learn ballet

Does it seem like a silly idea of wanting to learn ballet? well I'm only 18 so it wouldn't make me that old , or would it.

These couple of days I have been have this strange urge to learn ballet. Its like each time I look at photo's of ballerina's or see a performance , I get the urge in wanting to learn.

I wonder if its just a 'phase' or a genuine desire in wanting to learn. I wonder how can I really tell. I guess there are things I wanna do but I don't want to pile on lots of things and end up doing nothing.

So, far I have seen clips of the nutcracker on YouTube and sleeping beauty and it just leaves me , mesmerised. What appeals to me of ballet is the elegance of the movements . How the ballerina's do such great leaps and jumps but can be so soft and be so elegant when landing. These trades is what I lack , its like my movements are sometimes harsh which end up making me clumsy sometimes.

I never really did get into the whole femmine , I have also wanted to have a boyish figure and be flat chested and still do. Since , I don't care about men not like liking flat chested women since i don't want other men looking at me. Just , the thought other men looking me sends me into praying in head for god to protect from the evils of men. I guess , I rather a man tells me he looks at porn than for him to be staring at me.

I guess I still have an acute fear of men. There has been only person who I confessed to about my fear , that is my grandfather . Till this day I don't why I said that and he isn't even my biological grandfather. Each time I think about that even I get extremely embarassed thinking that I must of really been crazy to admitt such a thing.

Since before admitting that to him , I remembering how each time I was in close contact with him my anxiety levels would shoot up. There was one occassion where he suddenly wrapped his hands around my neck from behind me . I remember I my body shook when that happen I swear I was having a mini panic attack from inside. Then my grandmother took a photo of us since before we were taking photos and stuff.

I guess my grandfather , was the person I could truly model what a father should act like since he gave me those boundaries and limits.

My heart

I guess you all know the saying 'you wear your heart on your sleeve' .

I wear mine on my chest , its a locket I have worn and kept since high school. Its like my only way showing my love for my beloved in public .

People often talk about who's inside there heart or what do they treasure the most. Some say, family others say 'my car' but in reality there has been one thing I hold on to dear life to. My 'beloved' , others things like material possessions or even my siblings go as dust in the wind.

He is truly the only person that I have emotional attachment to. Its sad , that these days he has been busy , it does feel like a piece of my soul has been missing. I don't how I can describe it but the more we are apart the more , I descend playing with my old friend madness.

These days , I have been developing strange habits like fidgeting , scratching my head a bit too much and feeling like one minute I can stake away the whole night. To feeling like I'm a lump that can't get up , sometimes I feel like it becomes a little in manageable but mostly I can control it but the most annoying one is when I have a million thoughts in my head . Where I'm remembering embarrassing things I have done in the past , then these this voice telling me 'how stupid , I'm for doing . How I'm still the same person as always . That I'll never change and that should die .

It takes all my willpower tell these voices to shut up, sometimes I catch myself saying out loud what the voices are saying. I guess some people are lucky they get a diagnose , what I get is just more paranoia.

Money issues + chewing gum

Didn't go to maths lesson this morning either , since my father still hasn't got the money. He told me 'that it hurts him to know that I would be spending my saved up money for my education, while he can't pay'. Therefore, he said wait till next month , when he will have money for sure to pay for two months of tutoring.

It broke my heart when he said, I said it ok then. I do admitt I'm a bit dissapointed but apart from that I'll wait.

Well , I've stocked up on chewing gum ... The green wrapper one is the special one since it comes in a nice box and has a better taste and ones in the white wrapper contains xylitol. So, it more of keep teeth clean type chewing gum.

Martial arts yesterday but missing morning fix

Had martial arts yesterday night. Its was the first lesson back , since the snow from last week made the lesson get cancelled.

They funny is I was hyped up , it felt like my brain was on drugs. The lesson was tough , feeling the effects of the training today were my muscles ache. Since I didn't have my morning workout I felt like my routine was disrupted and therefore, it was like my brain was disrupted.

However, this morning I did my morning gym run. 51 mins on treadmill , 11mins on stationary bike. I was tired from yesterdays training but I was still having that manic feeling which gave me some weird 'high' where I was able to jog/run.

I think I have become addicted to running since I guess I'm craving that 'high' , that release of endorphins to my brain. I guess since yesterday morning I didn't get my fix of endorphins it was like my body was going crazy inside. I so tired right now and tomorrow morning got my first maths lesson back couldn't go last Saturday due to money issues , I could of paid with my money but my father didn't want me to spend my money so he said wait till next Saturday so he can pay.

I really want the lesson to come and be over with, it a little awkward since I'm the oldest one from the group the other pupils are like still in high school but oh well.

My old friend 'madness'

My father dearest has started a new job, delivering car parts around London. I'm happy for him since his got a job and obviously it improves things financially in the house hold. But it has one side effect ..... I'm left alone in the house.

I guess being 18 years old doesn't change the fact , that you will feel neglected. My problem is , since I don't openly say 'Oh, I dislike being left alone , or I feel neglected' , I think my father thinks 'Oh , she's doing just fine'

Being left alone these days just gives me an excuse to wallow into some madness and think of destructive things. I guess some one being physically in the house whether there downstairs , will make my mind feel at ease. I know what my father's response would be 'oh, even if I'm at home your upstairs in your room' Well , I'm not most of the time in my room but I guess I just like the feeling of another presence in the house.

Right it just makes think of how isolating my life could be sometimes with out my father being here or my siblings I would be very much alone. I guess in the past wouldn't have cared since I had my madness as a companion that would be there for me and gave my something to think about. I see right now that kinda of happening , where I'll forget about feeling alone and concentrate on the other feelings of mania , despair and some anxiety.

I feel like saying that in times of isolation I turn to my old friend 'madness' he doesn't judge my feelings or say I'm being stupid to feel that way. He'll just make feel fuzzy and suggest 'some painkillers for a happy numbing effect' or skip lunch 'you'll feel nice and light' Well I'll hear his suggestions and think about it again and again till 'I'll it ain't worth it right now'

But, I will be honest and say I'am tempted since it gives me something else to think about and feel about. Its strange how people would find a friend out of no where , like there will oh , I got a friend his name is OCD or I got friend and her name despair.

Finally been sent

Good news . my university application has been finally sent. So, in a couple of weeks I will get the welcome letter . Yah.

On other news, it was snowing heavily today . Boooooo

Been drained and tried recently. So, really had the brain power or energy to blog. So. maybe tomorrow or saturday I'll give a much better post.

well. Good logging off at :9:13pm

he looks beautiful

God, he looks beautiful today. I almost feel like I don't quite match up , the last two days feel like his starting to reclaim his beauty. I see myself being left behind and it scares me ....

I do often think , what do I have to offer him? , I'm still a student , I have barely lived life . While his working , busy and incredible good looking and me ? He has known me at my heavest and has always been there despite the way I looked and I thought why?... why , stay with a short pudgy girl. He has admitted that I do look tons better than I did before but always says 'he loves me no matter what I looked like.

I guess , these are just my insecurities.

Love is hard, there will come a time where I might move but deep in my heart I know I wouldn't want to get together with another man. I joked once with him 'saying I'd rather become a lesbian than be with a guy' Well, the joke left him shunned but I guess I wasn't really joking since I take relationship's seriously , when a man tells you 'I love you' . He better mean it or not say nothing at all since love is serious , its hard , its many things.

I guess , right now I feel like I'am going mad with fears and some despair. Like I'am in own private torment , like one of those gothic romance novel . I haven't even got anyone talk to about my despair and torment over my romance and love. Besides what could they say?

Love

What is to truly love another being ? to say 'I love you', these words are not be taken lightly since to say 'I love you' are words that bind you together to that other being. As being in love , you find that being apart is like being in pain that your soul is incomplete. That when you are together with your soulmate both him and you move as one being , knowing each other moods . Just being there , will be enough for your soulmate to truly feel loved.

Maybe I should of been a poet , eh? I don't these words have been hust flowing out of my mind , like my soul is talking and I'm writing. I guess, what I have written may say she's found love but it just really talks about the my love . How I have been in a romance for a long time that it crosses all taboo's in society that how I can proclaimed marriage to my love at a tender age of seven. I don't regret once the choices I've made , there have been always my choices. No one can take away my will no matter how young I was or I'am.

It's only know that I release that how beautiful he is, that no matter how strange or difficult our love is. I know without him , my soul would be in pain.

I see blood

' I lay on my bed , to close my eyes for a second
my eyes are shut byt my mind is not .
My spirit wanders to the past , where I see myself laying
in a field in a pool of blood.
I see blood, I see blood devouring my body
I'am never quite in the present , a part of me always in the past'

By the wandering soul

snow has melted (well some)

Yeah, the snow has melted enough for roads to be clear. So, I got to go to college today but I did feel tired towards the since my morning workouts do leave me prone to get more tired easily. Today wasn't so was more clam in terms of learning since there was only lectures and no experiments since the chemicals my teacher order couldn't get here because of the snow.

Today , I also brought a new packet of chewing gum since I was running low ;P Tomorrow my father is going to call to see if the maths lessons have started up , I'm not dreading going back but I feel as through I need some sort of direction in terms of this whole maths business . My question ' I'm applying for university all my other grades are like A's , B's and C's would they look too much in the whole maths grade ?'

Maybe if any other bloggers know anyone who has gone to university , who has had the same situation as me. Well, it would be nice to hear peoples experience and to know that getting into university is not so dramatic as people would us to believe.

Well , I'm really tired so good night . Posting time:6:oopm london time

college closed got gym time

Well, I was all start ready to go college . When I heard it was closed due the snow. I was happy since I got go to gym to due some running in these running shoes I have been wearing to make the running more comfortable. But, I hope the ice on the roads melt since I need to get to college tomorrow to pick up some money that is owed to me. So, it would be very annoying if it carries on snowing. Besides , the pavement are dangerous at the moment I almost died many times just to get to gym since the pavements are really slippery.

So, today most has been just staying at home and not doing anything that productive. Lately, I feel as through things are losing its thread like college. Honestly , the last year of this course has become bery disorganised and I don't wanna say 'I want to get to university already' but thats what is in the back of my mind at the moment. I just want to get there all ready , I feel as through things are taking too long.

These days that have passed , I have spent the majority at home and I think its affecting me big time. Its like I'm going stir crazy here just doing what college work there is and the only relief I have is going the gym in the mornings. I guess , I need something to do , where I get the gym mornings and I spend the rest of the day doing something constructive . Something meanful to my life.

At the moment I feel neglected by my father , I really can't complain since his really busy looking for work since money is a bit tight. Its like my father takes advantage at the fact that I don't openly go emotional hysterical if I feel neglected but I feel its even worse since its makes it even more clear that I haven't got anyone else that I'am emotionally attached to than my father. If he were to go , I would be left alone and now that would suck , I would probably then go for real on self destruct mode.

Snow, snow everywhere

Today was my first day back to college. Its snow alot here in the UK , which distrubing the trains and blocking some roads and there might be very likely that there's no college tomorrow due to snow. Well morning started of with going to the gym , I happened to get out earlier this time to have more time in the gym.

I did 50 mins of treadmill and finished with the rowing machine. I really like the rowing machine I feel it really works the upper area of my torso. Like my chest , triceps , back and stomach. It also works the glutes and hamstrings.

Well , when I saw my friend at college she commented if I have lost any weight. So, I guess I'm on the right track. Next week tuesday I will weight myself to see how I have lost in terms of getting to my goal weight , I have calculated that it should take me till may to get there , I'm alright with that so by march I will back to 126lb.

One thing I have been to alot of recently is chewing gum. God , I'm addicted to the stuff however I make to make the packet last throughout the week and I also stock up on gum.

Burying a part of myself

Last night , I had a dream that my father was helping me in bury a part of me that was like shown as a clone of me. In my dream I saw my father deconstructing me piece by piece so to make it easier for him carry the body.

I went with to a cemetery with a shovel in hand. With started to dig in the ground then I suddenly realise that the soil has turned muddy, then I see we have already finished . My head hurts a little just remembering , I guess I burying a part of me but the question is what part? Its annoying when the only answer you get is the predictable answer. 'Your changing or your going through a change'
Fair enough if the answer is that but what change I'm I going through or what exactly I'm I changing into? These are questions I have and no one to answer them. I guess no-one really has been there to answer it.

The person that has been is 'time' since as the saying goes 'time will tell' and I know that saying was made for me.

On a brighter note , I got a new laptop so the next posts will be in my new laptop that comes with a camera. :)

Some nice looking snack

Thought I'd show my cute new mug and bowl , that I will obssesively use to eat and drink my food from.



Some strawberry yoghurt in my new eeoh mug that I brought in a scales with the bowl in a cheap price.


Some chopped up apple , with pieces of millet cakes sandwhich together with nutella.

I thought the way my food looked today was pretty cute looking and just wanted to show off what I brought today.

A dream I had when I was five

When I was five I think , I had dream. A dreamed I was dead and I was an angel with huge white wings. I dreamed I was crying that my mother couldn't see me since I was in the place where all spirits stay with they don't move on. That I was in the old flat where I used to live and mother was walking around going through the walls screaming desperately for her to hear me.

What a dream to have so young, I guess that's when I started playing with death. The words 'death, dead , dying' crop up a lot in my life. Whether , I'm seeing the dead or wanting to be dead or just laughing out the notion of death . It seems to be always at the background , the funny thing technically we don't die our energy just gets converted into something else. That's one of the laws of energy learnt that at college.

Well looking back at the dream , I guess a shrink would tell me or 'Ichigo , as a young kid you felt dead to your mother' maybe its true . maybe at some point of my childhood my mother lost a daughter. I look so much like my mother but our personalities couldn't be so different , I remember being small and going into a shop with my mother and shop assistant asking with we were sisters. I guess it might sound very cliche , my non-existent relationship with my mother.

But, it does feel better typing this out. It gives me a chance the properly analysis this better. I guess my mothers behaviour the last three days has given food for thought.

Having meals late

Thank god, on Monday my structured eating will be back. Since the holidays with my mother makes breakfast at 9 or 10AM . As where I usually have breakfast at 8:30am , like right now lunch looks like set to happen at 2 o'clock pm. This unorganized structure of eating times leaves me hungry and I end up under eating since I eat a snack and end feeling full then when 'lunch' comes in I just have a little not even meal sized.

I'm tired of telling my mother if she can plan things early , her only response is 'I will do it at my own time' that just annoys me. Since she has have that control and she doesn't like change and thinks feeding people junk won't effect them. Like the past two days shes feeds my father Cornish pastry filled with heavy condiments and sauce. She know father has had his gallbladder remove and can't eat food that's filled with condiments , strong sauces or generally greasy stuff. Because two days after my father is throwing up his guts in the toilet. We tell her to lay of the heavy but she gets angry first since we are telling her what do, however, we just ask her not command her .

Like this morning my mother was about feed my father for breakfast a heavy carb loaded Cornish pastry but said he can't since his been throwing up and that there's nothing to eat. My mother say nothing and sits down to eat while not search for something to give my father for breakfast. My father was there looking at my mother while she ate her breakfast while he was there sipping his herbal tea. You see, how crazy is that ? its my mother was endeared with quick thinking.

I can tell also how my mother buys lots of different types of breads , even when there lots of bread at home and this aswell my father to throw away a bag full of bread that has gone hard since most of don't really some of types of bread she brings. Like I don't eat white bread or bread that supposed to filled with onions , who hell eats that type of bread . I don't and make me feel bad that we are through away bread while we could using that money to food that people really eat in the house. When father tells my mother to stop buying bread , her natural response is to get angry and say 'ok , ok' as a way shut my father up and ignore the situation.

That's why I say thank god monday my brother and sister will be going back to school I can get back my normal structure of eating and my mother can back to not being at home and just go to work.

Well I end this post and its 1:55pm just as I predicted lunch will be at 2:00pm

Going back

This Wednesday , I go back to college. I'm relieved to go back but anxious since this week I'm gonna to talk to my retarded tutor on why she hasn't sent my university application yet. The deadline for it is January 15th , these four months will be about finishing the second year of my forensic science course. I wanna do biomedical science in university then I can have a foundation of knowledge so I can then move into learning medicine

I kind of have this view of myself as the underdog since lots of people applying to university have done lots of stuff e.g . won awards , help the elderly. While I spent most of my high school year fighting to stay sane. However , while I was doing my application for university I saw my grades on how they looked and there weren't bad mostly A's and B's minus the maths grade since its the only weak area I have. Where my grade was a E then I studied again for 5 months to retake the test hoping to get take C I need but only to be devastated to get a D. All I good was at least its an improvement , I got the result on a Saturday lets just say I didn't handle it well and when my family went to park. I was alone , I went at brought some painkillers and proceeded to take them to get some numbing effect.

But, lucky I got over that and got a new tutor and revised to do the test again last November. They I should get the result in March and honestly I'm a bit cynical about it and prefer to even to not even know the result. But, this has left me determined no matter what happens to improve my maths skills and aim for a higher grade.

Well my mental state at the moment is a bit weird at the moment , haven't been depressed per say however its like I'm keep having thoughts on what kind of destructive things I wanna do to myself. Being in recovery from a mental illness doesn't mean it will go away , I say my mental illness has connection with my abilities as a medium since sometimes the mind can't cope with different types of information being processed through the brain. The brain goes haywire and if haven't got anyone to help you interpet the information , let just say you will go a little fruit loops.

These last two months I have been recieving new information in terms of me remembering more memories of a past life and my soul feeling awake. I guess this has affected my mental state , from what I can workout the thoughtsn I'm having could be due to my soul wanting get out from this vessel which is my body.

Doing instead of planning and fat girl mentality

When I plan things I usually almost do what I plan but I always end up changing the plan a little or end up doing something completely different. Therefore, I do and not plan .

I will write the things I will do.

Well this morning woke up later than usually , normally I wake up at 8:20am but today woke up at 9:20am so I had breakfast later. Well, while I prepared breakfast my mother being at work (thank god for that). My beloved father was having a crisis of body image, where he was like 'I'm getting skinny again , my chest has gone down'

In my family we are all plagued by body dismorphia , including me. So, I'm there telling him he looks fine and that his been on and off again going to the gym the last two weeks since of the holiday season. My father tells us all then at the table 'Oh, I'm going to the gym then for an hour' , when he says this it sets of my own anxiety about my body and how I wanna go the gym.

But, I compensated by doing ten minutes of skipping and ten minutes of weights. So, that lowered my anxiety a lot but I guess I have this irrational belief if I'm not constantly active , I will balloon up again. I guess when losing weight , you gonna have to lose the weight in your mind as well. I think for all people actively losing weight they should have counselling as well since they need learn how to cope with there new body and learn the reason why they let themselves get to that size. Since , you lose the weight but you'll still have the fat girl mentality and you still do the same things to hide your self since you think there are still fat bits to hide.

Through my own personally experience with weight loss , I known how hard it is to get used to having a new body. Since some days in my mind I still think I'm 30lbs overweight , I'm like there carrying that weight mentally , it hinders you emotional since it stops you from moving forward.

2010 , bad start maybe good after

Show's 11:46pm just in case you all can't see.


Well happy new year for those spend it somewhere nice.

Well, I can say I spend new years eve watching a my uncle drunk singing karaoke and his drunken state happen to start babbling about my forgotten childhood. Parts about my childhood which I meant to forget but his drunkens made his tongue looser than it already is.

He happened to say how he was the one who helped my mother meet my present father, even in the time when my mother was still living with my biological father. He mention my biological fathers name , which had known but forgotten however, to hear another person say his name makes it real and created a moment where I saw my present father and how in real life we couldn't be father and daughter since I look nothing like him at all.

That just made the night even more painful, in truth I think this so called new year's eve small family get together was only for my father benefit since he ended up drunk as well and was singing. It was most boring and painful night of my life, the of end 2009 was just a reminder of my difference with my fathers family and how it felt like I was odd one out of this picture.

Even my uncle went on to say he had photos my birthdays before my father came in to my life , that cut me deeply it was like he was saying to me even more how my present father wasn't mine since the early photos would have shown he wasn't in the start of my life. Its like we all happened to say HAPPY NEW YEAR with great fakeness about it like we could easily forget things that were said. I think for once I wanted my father to squirm to see how the injustice had been done to me and I was trying my best 'get over it' and show 'I was just fine'.

But, it pained me hear my father say 'I'm sorry' to me. As he knew that the things said to me shook me greatly inside even through I didn't look it , my father just knew that my silence and fake smiles were already warnings enough to show I had been shooken up greatly. Also, my anger showed through alittle all I said was 'there is nothing to be sorry about' , that comment made my father suprised and maybe a little as he was trying to apologise while I want him to verbally say why he was sorry for. But he just made a motion to show briefly how I looked like and that in a unspoken way he was sorry for having comments said to me that made me feel pain.

Maybe , the start of 2010 has to start with obstacles and then get easy since past new's years was never this hard or painful since it was already a bigger party , bigger house. However, the new year always start good but in the middle gets hard then by end my family and I are like struggling like hell , hanging by a thread.

But 2010 will bring change as I can feel , using my third eye I guess :)
Well on a brigther night I finally lost 1.1lb which I pretty I'am now 129.8lb yeahhhhhhhh