The layers of me

Just been thinking about the layers that make me , really .... I have obsessive behaviours , where I can only think about one think , it can be distracting. Also , today I saw some weird things today . I was in the kitchen , I turned around and I saw my little brother , it looked like he had a black ring around his head and a black shape bell looking thing on top of his head.

Don't know what to make of it. Things like this just add another layer to me and of course the other human layers I have wanting to be lighter since I see being quite short I should be light , I guess that layer is the vanity one.

Well speaking about my mother hear for a second ... I have noticed she has lost some weight. With her behaviours it can makes it hard for me to be sensible about losing the 4-5 lbs since I see my mother modelling such behaviours. It kind of makes me think in my head 'well , fuck it I know I can lose quicker if a eat xxx amount of food' .

However my rational mind kicks in and says 'well , what happens when you stop losing . you will end up binging and feeling bloated , which will make you feel more unhappy' It kind of sucks been put in this position seen my mother's actions kind of want to make me justify my own. But , I know these are excuses I make for myself to get the easy way out.

f---K I think my mother has an bulimia

Right now , I think I'm hearing my mother trying to make herself throw up. The bathroom downstairs gives off an echo. I think I have mentioned before my mother has shown to have disordered eating patterns. Especially , I know she buys laxatives since I've seen them.

Well , I'm not surprised since I'm first to admit I have disordered eating thoughts and habits. There have articles published by doctors that eating disorders can be genetic. I really don't if I should approach the subject , fuck I don't even know I should care.

In the past , while trying to eat into some normal eating pattern , I have experienced a brief episodes of bulimia However , I have found this made my face puffy and I could end up gaining the weight I had lost. Therefore , I did lots of research on what 'normal eating' was . It meant a healthy lifestyle choice not a diet but a lifestyle choice. I could ever choose to eat 'junk food' , that causes binges , then you feel you want to restrict. Or,I can choose to eat better nourishing food , which makes me feel happy.

I chose option two , so far it has worked for me. However , my mother who is now 38 years old doesn't like have a more open mind. Therefore, its really hard to try and tell her new ideas since she's stuck in her own 'way of thinking'

Well, I'm thinking of maybe consulting my father . However , my father's view on mental illnesses is pretty cynical , he does think about it and gives out advice but his tired of trying to care of my mother for all these years. I really hope I don't sound too cruel , its just I'm giving my honest view on what I'm thinking. God forgive me , if it sounds too diabolical

100th post people - Paranormal activity

Just saw paranormal activity

, my review ' a waste of money' . Just a lot of door slamming and freaky sounds coming out a chick squealing to a invisible ghost. The only scary part was the ghost pulling the girl out from her bed , while her boyfriend jumps out from the bed to save her.

Well , today I'm feeling more hope full I get the feeling in my other posts . I might been expressing some negative feelings. Maybe I was indulging in them , anyway can't believe this is my hundred post. I sense I have been slowly developing my blog into the direction I want to take it. Here is where I feel most free in expressing whats in my mind since in real life you can't simply say what your thinking. Just imagine if everyone were say the things they were thinking , there would be a third world war there.

Ok, my abilities are still there . For some strange reason I was thinking they were going to go. But I realize my abilties are connected to my emotions . The last three days I had been feeling not so good so I guess I was just in that one frame of mind and I was ignoring the my outer surroundings and other things. I think now I 'am going to have deal with these emotions that are popping up , which I think that has to do with my abilities.

I guess my questions is 'will my emotions be any different , than a normal person's emotion?'
Since last week I have been noticing that my emotions react differently to a normal persons.

alone

Didn't go to that party thing , felt too tired. Well I disappointed my father with that decision , so he said angrily that I can stay home. I don't if the choice I made is right but honestly I feel like my soul is abit tired. Johnz if your reading this I don't mind if you comment on the other blogg its fine.

Right now as I'm typing this I'm alone in the house. I just can't stand at the moment talking with other people , trying to look nice and having to sit down aimlessly on a chair listening people speaking nonsense. I'm feeling to left alone , like everyone has some one to speak to except for me.

Better posture and some God talk

Yeah , I'm leaning comfortable on a wall while typing this post. My shoulders don't hurt and my posture is not so hunched. Since the last three days the stress of last weekend just typing out my college work in a hunched position for more than 4 hours killed my shoulders and I was feeling lots of pain afterwards.

In other news , maybe at 5pm my family and I maybe going to my father's aunties silver anniversary . However , the people who set it up is this christian group . Who are REALLY religious. Plus they tend to unpunctual about time so , the invite says 5pm for sure they will start it by 5:30pm or later and finish really late.

Plus , I know for it will be boring as hell , excuse the pun. I'm all gun ho for god but this people spend half there type waiting for a miracle instead of making there miracle come true. It like god isn't going to personally make your prayers come true , he helps you if you move and make something happen and like help you find the things you need. If your like looking for work he'll probably help you find a long lost friend that can help you find work.

My motto is (something I made up now) :)

' Miracles happen with reaction'

stress ful two days

well yesterday , there was the grading in my father school . We all got yellow belts , the hall was packed with both the kids and the adults training together. I was trying to hold it together since I felt really tired and drained , still feel that way right now. Right now I wanna go to sleep , I want to say forever but thats dangerous thinking if you get my drift.

I guess the last two days , has made me stand out from my family members. With the dog dying and everything and guess what my father is planning to buy a new puppy. I'm thinking WTF , the dog just died and your like thinking of buying a new one but oh well , they say I have a cold heart about my father is already planning a replacement.

I guess whats hurt me the last two days is my fathers tactless comments on how 'I don't give a shit, about the dog' . When , my father says comments like that it makes me question how would I react with a person I knew died. 'Would I react the same way?'

The funny is sometimes I laugh when I see someone dying in one of those movies. I don't really laugh when people are all laughing at a joke together , I'm like the only one not laughing. I don't know , what to think . I guess I was waiting for my father to say 'its ok , the react that way' or 'I don't judge you'

Update on the after effects of the death

well... My mother called my father to see what was happening , my father explained the situation fully. Low and behold my mother started crying through the mobile when my father was explaining what happened in the animal hospital.

Guess my mother got close to the dog as well , I guess I was the only one who didn't really want the dog from the start. I'm being honest I really didn't like the dog that much , really thought of it as a something to be nice to once and a while. But , I didn't hate it just didn't hold to much expectations of having a pet dog.

My father is kind of blaming himself since the x-rays showed the dog swallowed shards of broken glass from a coco-cola bottle and my father feel guilty for forgetting to clear it up. I'm like saying to him that the dog could of swallowed anything , it just happened to be that.

I guess I'm the only one who hasn't cried , I'm there trying to give moral support but trying my hardest not to be insensitive.

Stupid dog , went and died

Was going home , I went and phoned my father saying I was coming home . He said 'Ichigo , I have bad news ' I 'm like worried and I say 'what happened ???' . The dog died .....

I'm like shocked , saying 'Oh , my god' many times . Clearly I could hear my father was chocked up about it since he was really closed to the dog and so was my brother and sister.

My mother and I on the other hand lets say we weren't so emotional about it , since my father , brother and sister were brawling there eyes out as where I haven't cried at all. So as usual my father says 'I don't how you and your mother can have such a cold heart'

Well to be honest , I don't how to feel about this whole thing . Since emotions is a reaction to an event . My reaction wasn't to cry , or feel sad . I guess I have the thing of not being sad or emotional in my head that when it comes to things like this that part of my brain is switched off.

Its strange really , my dog benji was only 10-11 weeks died , but I really feel sad more is for my father since he watched the dog vomit blood since he had swalled a sharp object that was destroying his insides. My father , god he was crying and obviously he is not a man who cries easily.

Having always a sunny deposition

I feel sometimes that I have to always carry a sunny deposition , if not my father will get angry and say 'you have nothing to be sad about , since your only a teenager'

This makes me feel that I can't feel sad or angry , that I just got to be in one mood. Since I'm just a teenager , so there absolutely nothing in my life that would cause me to feel angry a tiny bit depressed. Therefore , I have to be always smily and joyful.

HOWEVER IT CONFUSES ME , when my father then says 'Ichigo , what don't you show any emotion or laugh in a joke'

I think , well my current state of one emotion only allows for smiles and besides 'why , the hell will I laugh , when I don't find the joke funny'

Its so f---ing confusing

Goddamm shoulder muscle hurting

I've been spending the weekend and right now doing my college work, ITS P*&@ING ME OFF SINCE MY SHOULDER MUSCLE ALWAYS STARTS HURTING SINCE THE POSITION I'M FOR TYPING IN LONG PERIODS OF TIME MAKE MY SHOULDER MUSCLE HURT. AHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Ok another of being 'ANNOYED' :P , I really hope when I give in the work I won't have to do it again. But , if I have to well ; what can I do? however I will complain and ask why I got to do it again

anyways its 9:14pm goodnight

Seeing new moon tomorrow

I'am going to see new moon tomorrow , excited since I really don't go out anywhere. Sometimes I would like a social life but I know I would get irritated after with constantly have to talk with people and going out.

Just had dinner , for some strange reason I feel annoyed like I don't want anyone to talk to me or touch me. I just want to stay by myself , alone but thats really bad behaviour since sometimes I feel like I maybe slipping a little on going into past antisocial behaviour. You can easily get sucked back in if your not careful. However , I knew if I were to stay downstairs any longer I would probably have burst of anger coming out and when that happen I usually do something or say something at the heat of the moment.

That why I think I'am not an anger person , since I don't how to be angry and angry people know how. I simply give my anger in a burst and not really form a proper angry action or response.

Wish list for christmas

I really want a hello kitty camera , if I'am gonna get one thing for christmas it will be a hello kitty camera. :P




Hmmmm..... This year I have a wish list for christmas . In the past I hated asking for things since I felt like I was selfish for asking and felt as through I didn't earn it. There fore I would say no if my parents would ask me what I wanted.

Well nows different I've grown up and realized that I do deserve things , its not like I'm a criminal.

Rain , Rain

Looks like the UK gonna flood , with this rain especially outside of London. Where people have to travel in inflatable boats around there towns just to get somewhere. People have been saying for year that the UK is going to sink and since its one big island we won't have anywhere to escape.
This photo is just outside my house now imagine the outside of London where the rain is hitting really hard.

Wonder if peoples predictions are coming out true?

Especially with the 2012 coming up people predict either we are all gonna die or there will be a spiritual rebirth in everybody. However , films like '2012' are not exactly calming peoples fears of the Apocalypse. Hell , I hate disaster movies I guess I feel it offends my beliefs that we can't do anything to help our selves since the world has gone to pot and if we do die that means 'there's no god'. But , believe if people start to think positively all that positive energy will help us.

just woke up

Its 8:15 am here , I wonder if the digital clock I added on shows the time here or it simply shows the time of the readers country. mmmmm...

Well nothing much to report , except woke up from a deep sleep. On sundays I feel like I sleep more since the whole other six days I wake up early.

London time

Found a setting where , I added in a digital clock to show what time it is in london. :)

Feeling strange

It's just turned 8pm here , my father downstairs is singing spanish songs inthe computer room. Right now I feel strange like my emotions are low and my body feels too light , maybe my bodies and some stress . Well I don't know , just reading Johnz recent post and I think yeah sane people are the most unhappiest were 'insane people' (quote ME:) are happy . I have had those moments where people tell me 'Are you insane ?' or course I say 'Nah , just happy'

I think sane people live too much on what they think is normal , that when normal doesn't happen they become unhappy. But , insane people learn that normal doesn't mean happy the abnormal can mean happiness.

I wanna sleep now but still to early , I go so sleep alway around 9pm or a little later.

Friday's lesson

Friday's lesson we had to make aspirin , using this chemical that gave off a really strong odor. Which made me feel a little dizzy and everyone else in the class, there was like only one fume cupboard which was not good since everyone was being exposed to the chemicals smell.

Well I have two assignments to do based on friday's evening lesson and the lesson in the morning which is forensic collection and analysis of evidence. Really hoping that our teachers gets sacked , since the whole language thing is a real problem since we find it hard to understand him at times.

My new blogg on blogger

I have decided to write a story blogg on blogger , I will neither conform or deny whether the story is true. Its for the ready to decide.

Its called recycling of the spirit

I will keep using both bloggs , my first will be about whats happining currently with me and my new one will be about the story.

Highlights of today in photos

A nice cup of 'joe' :)




Took these photos , while waiting at the bus stop to go home after college. Thought ' what the heck' and I took the photos.

Well in college my head was still pounding , it was becoming annoying the pounding , even now its throbbing a bit.

My frigging head is pounding

My head is pounding so much , I just want to go to sleepppppp. Blahhhhh . Well I did my work for Friday , tomorrow I have martial arts from 6-8pm. Therefore I have decided to not go to the gym after coming back from college at half 12. Since going to the gym then going to martial arts , I burn out quickly towards the end where all my energy is zapped and I'm like a zombie.


I think today at college , was a little psychotic . Where I feel implusive and start making random noises. OOOOOOOOO I wanna go to sleep now but got 40 mins to go till bed time , which is usually 9pm for me.

anyway see ya

what will happen next

I wonder what will happen next once I fight my way to university , I start to think 'what next?' . Like I really don't see myself getting married and I don't want children since I'm to vain for that. I guess in my idyllic world I would be rich from discovering the cure to cancer :p

I would spend my life researching into psychic powers , but goal is one to win the Nobel prize , two set up my own hospital and three wellllllllll. Become super clever at maths , now that would be a shocker and a huge achievement . At the moment the goal in improving in maths is more likely , but I guess I have always so myself setting up a hospital in future , since it was something I talked about when I was much younger.

I see just even finishing university as a great achievement in its own right , as it kind will prove some people doubts that they may have had about me in the past and will see me as a warrior who fought back at life's cruelties.

Next thursday being graded

My father came back with head protection and head guards for next thursdays grading. Where everyone is gonna get a yellow belt. In the grading I'm going to have to sparr my father in a semi contact way.

Objects used as a tool of self belief

Yesterday night my father and I , were watching youtube this south american show could extra normal. It was basically a show about paranormal investigations , the investigations showed very real stuff. In whole of south america every one has very deep rooted beliefs about religion and the paranormal , from what we saw from the show these people were find the spirits with there fear and terror.

Since them praying in fear to god , they were actually attracting the undead. I also now have discovered that people use objects as a way of self belief but in the matter of fact is they are using there minds. However, the objects that they use to banish spirits is a way of self belief , they need the objects as to perform these actions since that what they deeply believe that will help them.

Hard to find a true friend

Its hard sometimes , I see myself as a person under construction like . I spent all of last year dropping lbs , that meant I was focused on one mind set at the time and forgot the rest. Now , with my physically fitness at a high . I guess that part of me that was under construction is 99% complete with just 1% left , now that I'm not focused on one thing my mind is now aware of other things.

I guess its about life experience , to go through self preservation and to be always improving your self. To be honest , I now realise when you go back into spiritualism there will be forces there trying to knock you off the path. Like people in college or just other things in general , I have never really fitted in to any social groups and have always found the teenagers in high school and in college annoying. I really have never found a true friend , a person with the same interests as me , who I can relate to.

What seems to happen when I socialise with people my own age group is that I end up talking with them then suddenly. I end up looking at them as they from the outside as they talk amongst themselves since they have already clicked together since they find that they need each other to make themselves feel better. Or they the other person buff there ego since they feel to insure themselves.

I'm there just looking how other people my age are so spiteful to each other and mean. I'm just there remaining impartial to everything knowing if I don't these people could socially attack me at any moment they like.

I guess my true 'want' at the moment is to find a true last friend'.

Life in photos

Start my day always with a cup of coffee no milk just sugar after coming back from the gym .


Love Hello kitty at the moment trying to get all the merchandise :)

Here the last book in the twilight series break drawn , I brought the book in the Alanta airport where I had the wait eight hours before I could catch my flight back home to london.


Here's my the black belt for Karate I did all those years back .

Finally here the university I really want to go to and the course I wanna study.

I sooooooo read all the books

Just referring to the comment made about the books mentioned but its so ironic that you mention that since I read all the books in high school about the main heroine called Ayla and how it chronicles her life.

God , it brings back memories of being in the library and reading the books. I loved the books since I thought Ayla was cool to have all those healing abilites as a medicine woman , also she made friends with a wolf , a horse and a lion cub.

About the twilight book , yep same as the movie that came out . I have book two and the last book. I think its gona be hard for movie makers to make the other films based on the other books believable since on the last book the character Bella gets pregant with a half vampire, half human daughter and gives birth, also becomes a vampire after.

So, I don't how they would portray the bloody chilbirth scence.

whats in my bookshelf ??

Dreams

lucid dreams mmm.... not completely when sleeping haven't really got to that stage yet. More like the waking type lucid dream I have had at the moment. The movie 'Push' I have seen it , the story was weak however I thought it portrayed the abilites of the people more accurate and explained it aswell accurately. Didn't like the end though , I remember when I was in primary school I went to this church with my class I remember going in a feeling shivers all over and not liking the atmosphere of the place.

Also , when I got into trouble with my father he was shouting at me then suddenly this plastic clock that was hanging on the wall falls off. Then my father shouts ' you see what you did!' , thinking about it I guess I did that. I believe the key into locking anyones ability is the 'want' in wanting to do an action or wanting something really bad. Is like you want something to happen so bad that you are bending the force to work in your direction.

This revelation is something I have realized while having deep converstations with my father , but the problem in this revelation is that we are human . Humans are never in a constant state therefore when think about bending that force all that self doubt floods in. Where our brain is tell us 'don't be silly , you can't do that' , those thoughts come in stopping us from realizing 'yes , we can do that' , 'why not?'


think about these two words

'why not?'

Falling objects

Finally... finished the application form for university . Sent it today by Monday the wheels should start moving. Had my morning maths class this morning , today has been a weird day objects keep falling off around me . Like in my maths lesson another person in my class pointed out that my rubber had fallen to the ground and when I turned around the rubber was like quite far from me and I was like thinking 'how did that get there?'

Also in the kitchen a knife that was placed properly on a flat peanut butter top on the kitchen counter fell on the floor.

Don't get me started with the things I have been seeing , its starting feel like something out of the poltergeist. I don't if I should bring up the converstation with my father about him training me for in controlling my abilities properly or maybe I should wait till this unspoken trial period of watching me is over. Really it is difficult being me age , what sadden me yesterday was listen to the swan lake music and being reminded of the past life I had ; it was like being transported in that time. I could hear anymore the sound coming out my teachers mouth it was like his mouth was moving but no sound was coming out , I was in my memory watching and feeling great saddness at that moment.

I guess what drove me mad in my younger teens was remembering my past lives and feeling the despair of each cycle of recarnation. I know , I know it sounds too crazy to believe but I know deep in my guts it true.

My morning in photos

This was my morning woke up at 6:10 got to the gym . By 6:50 it was pouring with rain , saw that loads of pigeons standing on a cafe. Ran in to a person from my old high school I saw her and she looked at me as through she was a bit suprised maybe my weight loss has been noticable . But didn't really want to talk to her since she was rumoured to be pregant and had a miscarriage in high school and that she turned lesbian stalker. So , I said my goodbyes quickly and went home.

Today , was bit of a lonely day . Came home and my father went and told me off for being a bit snappy with my mother this morning after coming back from the gym since I was hungry , anxious and tired. Therefore, my father was like 'is everything ok with your mother and you , eh!' I was like yeah , why?

My father then went to say how he didn't like my attidude that I displayed with my mother this morning and that he doesn't how to make me understand that woman is my mother (those are the exact words he used) Well , my father is the only one who can get me upset ; I guess he is my rock and when my rock is upset with me ; its like when rock is upset with me , the walls fall in. I guess in reality I have always had one parent since my mother hasn't really done anything for me.

Since , the part my mother has meant to play in my life she hasn't fulfilled I had to myself. My poor father has to play mother/father and my best friend. So , I have never really experienced what people called a mothers bond with her child.

blogging from college library

Its lonely right , alone . Just right to see if I can this tutor so she can give me this serial number that I need to put in my application form for university. Its days like this I feel the most unsociable and especialy I feel really tired right now. Nine minutes to go before my second lesson , where our male teacher who has a accentwhich makes it hard for us to understand him therefore our lesson with him suck big time and are really boring.

well got to go . I'll do another post later

Jean Grey ???

Jean Grey from X-Men , if you ever since the movie that chicks moving cars with her mind and crushing all sorts of objects. I'm like thinking god , would like to be like her but minus dying there she did in X-Men three.

I'm left curious of what the last comment meant about being concerned with what happened in my maths test. Today had college was ok , learnt about homeostasis and disorders of the pituitary gland.

Well goal for next week is to apply to finshing applying to university . That will be done and dusted .... When I think about university , I see that people make it look super hard to get into and that at the moment its looking hard to get in to. I'm thinking , what hopes to do I have then.

But , I have faith that this guiding force will help me get in ...

The middle of being a 'Medium'

I only started to refer to myself as an 'Medium' since it refers to middle of things, for a person to see the middle like in between the veil of physical and spiritual world is the best description with being who I 'am . I suppose our abilities are not an exact science since we are human , we are never in a constant state of emotion or state of mind there fore our abilities work on the right conditions and right state of mind.

Like for example in my maths test , the last 20 mins I felt this stress building in my head this energy was pulsating in my head . The protractor that I had placed on front me went slided forward without me touching when I sharply sat up to see the time and I saw it slide forward quickly as I sat up. From this example we can see , that I was in one constant emotion and in a constant state of stress where I focused my energy to be released out in the form of telekinesis. Well I have been known push things with my mind when I'm under stress but them comes the obstacle to isolate that feeling and state of mind to control that type of ablity.

Obviously being the teenager I 'am :) I think it would be cool to control the ablity and to be able say Jean Grey eat your heart out. However , I'm a realist and know that its super hard to train that ablity for all I know I could up blowing up my brain before moving a ball with my mind under my freewill.

My day in photos

Here's the booked I borrowed today, about some guy who's sister and her daughter have there deaths predicted in this astrology chart . So , he sets out to find what the whole psychic thing about. He interviews famous psychic like sylvia browne , to find whether the prediction has some truth in it.


Well , my first pic hmmm... Lidl right next my bus stop, Lidl's a supermarket whether food there is super cheap and the food looks like its knock offs that came out a german truck. Since the food has german writing on one side and english on the other.


Second, well its the bus stop ad ; thought it looked funny and it was a good
trigger for people to become rawests.

Waiting for the bus , abit annoyyed actually since the bus its taking
long time :S


This is the end of the day its 4:10pm , I'm pissed that my stupid tutor
made us have this tutorial about timetables and time managment.


Plus its raining , again the bus takes foreverrrrrrrrrr.


On the right hand corner of the photo is the public library , which is slowly
new best friend since I don't have anyone to hang out with.

Workout edition- Dreaming with my formerself

Did weights today at the gym , found it a bit unfull filling really . Since did with my dad and my cousin so I had to wait . Therefore it made me feel as through I didn't do anything however my dad tells me its ok since you need to have one minutes for your muscle to repair.

The second picture is this wheel thing , that helps tighten stomach muscles. I try to use it often but I admit there are days I forget , tomorrow have college two lesson one starts at 10:00 the other at 1:00 . I go to the gym at 6:40 come back get dressed have breakfast then go to college.

I feel at moment hmmmmm .. in the middle I guess its a weird description however I feel neither good or bad . I feel like maybe I have lost weight then maybe that feeling down to go a slow and steady method .

I had this dream last night , that I was in this meeting room with my formerself there and me . The meeting room was like the prison visiting rooms where they have this table stuck on the floor and seats are like one big bench. My former self was there and so was I , she sat down so did I . I told my formerself that I had a proposition for her that with she agrees me we can learn to co-exist.

My formerself looked at me and agreed , so did I .

So , whats the meaning of my dream and how do I interperet the dream considering we are talking about me and does this have do about anything of my abilities.

Since my formerself was like raw energy with potential but became confused and had no direction what so ever in so became destructive.

Did my test already

Did my gcse maths test already , well when my dad asked 'how did it go?'

My response was 'I don't know' , my dad laughed and said 'did it go bad?' . I was like ' don't know anymore'. Then I told my dad 'remember when , you said it couldn't get anyworse my grade . well I was thinking on the way to the exam what if it did , that would shameful'

My dad's response was funny he said 'thats not shame , what would be shameful is to walk outside naked'. I laughed at his response , I found funny it kind made realize there are more shameful things than getting a worser maths grade. In few minitues I will be off to the gym to do some weights with my dad , haven't done weights in quite a while.

feeling blahhhhhhh

about to go to bed , but thought I wanted to document how I feel at the moment. Feel like my head is expanding have a weird headache. Feel like I'm on drugs , kind of feels like I recieve short pulse of energy to my brain.

Like a 'boom.... boom..boom..boom' . Also feel like I want to talk to someone about my feelings , which I find odd since I don't see why.

Well here are my goals;

I will do my best tomorrow ,

I will work hard in college ,

I will see the bigger picture

My last maths test tomorrow

Tomorrow I resit my last maths test , but whatever the outcome I won't let it stop me from studying for the test in the summer to achieve a higher grade. This time around I'am not making such a big deal out of it. Since when I did the test in june and when I finished the tests I literally prayed every single night for god to give me the grade I really wanted.

'look' how that turned out but I believe the grade I got was meant to be since probaly if I got that 'c' I would stopped trying to impprove my maths and never came up with the idea to aim for a higher grade. My dad said to me 'when one door closes three doors open' I believe strongly in those words since a lot things have happened in life that relate closely to that saying.

This morning I woke up to a fog that was covering the streets where I live , I evening did my morning excerise and was walking through the fog to the gym. My eating at the moment lets see... well I don't know if I gone back to restrictive eating or maybe I've finally found a normal eating pattern. Who knows anymore .. I guess in a fantasy of mine I would like to wake up 10lbs lighter and be 2inches higher .

I guess these are the things , I need to let go off . If I ever want to move forward ....

Spirit

What defines who we are ?

Is it our appearance ?, our personality?

I guess people would answer 'personality' but the real answer is spirit without spirit no personality would be born. I guess that we people say 'oh she has no personality what so ever' , it because there's no spirit.

These are the questions I ask myself , these changes happening are for a reason. I guess I predicted this before my eighteen birthday , where I would jokely tell my father

'I believe , when I turn 18 then my powers will awaken .' then I would laugh after that , only my father would smile at that notion. I guess now with these strange changes , I see what I joked about could be some truth in that.

Well look at me harping on and on . It just these are the questions I ask myself , weird isn't that a teenager like me is asking these question , I suppose I never fit the classical description of what a teenager is meant to be.

Open senses

Today was a hard day , having this opening of sense's thing going here . Sometimes you get over stimuli there however I know these couples of days will be a trial to see if I'am truly ready where my father dearest will be watching and possibly testing me to my limits to see if I'am ready.

Today , lets see I saw two ghosts . One , in this park thing where they have these tomb stones with names of deceased people name written on. I briefly saw a old asian man. The second in place where my father teaches martial arts , in the store room. It was more like a spector type looking thing. I went in mintues later and tried to make contact and I swear I briefly saw a shadow of a person standing near some drums that were in the store room.

So, I think whats gonna happen next ? . I feel like I'am changing some how like the ichigo that was is going and this being , who is starting to let go of those petty things that didn't really matter.

Well , the thing right now I 'am trying to let go is my body image issue. Now issue is the one that really sucks , to be honest I haven't weighed myself at all and I'am kind of scared to step on the scale but I do my body is become atheltic so I don't how that translates on the scale. So, I know that shorter people have the trade of being muscular if there were to train.

But , I don't its like one moment I feel great that body is going where I want , then next I feel I'm slowly gaining weight without me noticing .

No expectations

Just had my maths test , I really don't know what gonna happen I have one more test . However I know things are changing its neither quick or slow its the medium of both things.

The part of changing and seeing the world at its whole , is to leave human vanities aside . See that at the end what you thought really mattered , did not mean nothing at all. What I want , feel and know down in the deep of my guts . Is that now it the time to learn , to train to feel in things that beyond human understanding.

Reading a book that I think was meant for me to read (The Alchemyst) , it described the things I have seen and heard also things that were told to me. By my grandfather , who is like the real medium , when I mean real ; I mean real. He saw my aura and told me I shone like a star so I guess when my auras shines the brightest its silver.

It was the only time someone described my aura , I wonder what it means to really have a silver aura. When I see peoples aura's they always have a mixture of colours , the people I have to have a strong one colours aura has been my father that shine's wildly gold and of course my mother who aura engulfs her in gold. My mother if she had a different life and was trained to use her abilities she could of been a powerful medium and psychic. However my mother has been too psychically damaged from her childhood . So , really she has untapped power .

So , what does it mean to have a silver aura ?

Spirit seeing

well tomorrow , I have my maths test. Trying not make such a big deal out of it , I see that this approach might help tomorrow.

In a other news , today was my first back to college . Did my presentation with my friend , we were the only pair to have a complete presentation . So the ones who didn't have it ready were jealous of ours and plus we made the grade.

Also , today I say a ghost . It was nothing like ghost whisperer , where you have Melinda talking to some ghost. It was more like a flash , like a flash of a camera going off. When I turned my head I saw a young with blonde hair smiling and looking at me at the same time. Then just like that she was gone.

I had a talk with my dad about it , he obviously had reservations about since he was afraid that I might go nuts again however after a heart to heart. He said that he trusts me since I'm much more mature to handle these gifts. Unfortunately , people like us who don't know how to handle there gift get easily over whelmed and can go crazy but I'm confident this time is different.

Is the world going to end up like wall 'e' ?

I wonder , recently how times are changing and everyone wants things to be so convenient for themselves . 'Will they end up like those obese people from wall 'e'''?

Just think we as humanity want things to become more and more easier . Will we lose our selves in the process. Of course in an perfect world everyone would like to like there idols and eat junk food without gaining a pound. But where the fun in that , I guess having a life would be pointless if we had everything we wanted.

I suppose it irritates me that people complain about things and when it gets fixed they complain even more that they want it even better. I guess people might say I have high expectations of the human race but I say if we don't have high expectations how can we ever better ourselves.

Philosophical ramblings of an eighteen year old , people might see but when people like me who see the world with a more sharper view. See a world , where people are missing the point in what it means to live. There's two points to the meaning of living :

1. We see that people have become too lost ,that we rather be dead in the spirit world than live in the physical world where you have to see truth.

2. Instead of giving the satisfaction to the people who are lost , by being dead . You can find the true meaning and go into world living the mean and spreading the meaning's vibes to the people you meet and those people you have met can spread to other people they meet.

Its kind of like paying it forward by the spiritual sense , since people will feel and absorb the good vibes from you . Then its spreads.

Thanks for sharing

To Johnz thanks for sharing an intimate part of your life , I can see parts of your life has a lot of similarities to mine. From the age of fourteen I discovered I had these abilities however , I kind of went a little crazy from ages fourteen to sixteen since I saw things and felt things that was so raw for me at the time that I couldn't handle properly. In addition , to my childhood it was a recipe for disaster . I guess any other parent would of sent me to a therapist or a mental ward however my father refused the idea of sending me to those sort of places since he isn't a bigger believer in psychology.

I guess if I was a lot older , maybe I would of ended up there , however it took a trip to south america for me to reach some sort of rehabilitation. Where it was there I could truly see things in a whole new light. But , like I always say even through person gains a new sense of self those things that haunted them are always on the back of your mind; it what you do with it that counts.

Who enables , who ?

My parents have this thing , since they feel they kind of not need did a super job of raising me. They feel they have to enable my brother and sister to have everything , like those little things that can rot there teeth ; like sugar filled cereal and those nice deep fried chips for breakfast and to top it off nice greasy sausages for breakfast.

I feel lately that they don't really support my clean eating , feel they don't want to deprive my brother and sister with all there wonderful treats. I just don't want my brother and sister to go through the troubles I go through with food. Since its was hard for me because I started my journey at seventeen trying to become healther without any guidance.

My parents always use the excuse they don't want to force them , however I always tell them especially my mother . Is not about restriction its about replacing what they like with a better version of it , like my mother trying to force an M&M down my brothers throat . Since he doesn't like eating sugary snacks , I think instead of forcing a suager chocolate covered peanut down my brothers throat , why not buy him an apple or banana even juice to give him natural sugars.

I think my mother and father has this twisted logical that if a person doesn't have sweets they get low sugar levels and need some snickers bar to get those sugar levels up. I think that's twisted logical , haven't they heard of natural sugars and sugars already there in processed food.

To johnz

Sorry , Johnz but I haven't read your bio. This has something I thought of by myself , I'm surprised if there are any similarities . If there is I hope it doesn't cause offense since I appreciate the comments you leave behind.

Halloween gone and past

Thought I do a post on Halloween even if its a bit late , well the season has definitely changed. As , saw strange apparitions going around on Halloween . Its the second of november , I guess I'am still see some fragaments of spirits around so I guess what I saw on Halloween isn't a fluke.

I guess at this stage of my blogg , I want to be more open about what I can do. As see this as a way talk openly about my gift without judgement of people who know me personal. It really doesn't matter if people believe me , since what makes ichigo ; ichigo is her love for breathing the fresh air, that high of running also for cleaning eating.

My ability is just another part of me that I'am ready to express now , since I spend too much time putting this wall around me for people to stay way. I guess blogging is start a first step in putting down the wall a bit.

monday rising

My battered old trainers I use for excerise and martial arts , should start looking for a new pair.




Its monday , did my morning excerise on an empty stomach . It was kind of hard to wake up this morning but on sheer will , I woke up. This is how this morning weather looks like in london.

1st of november

My Internet at the moment is a bit dodgy , so hopefully publishing this post won't be a problem. Well five days to go till my maths test , I feel prepared so I'm just going to not obsess over it since I know it can do more harm than good.

The holidays are finished and on Wednesday I go back to college , almost finished this homework I have to do , its a joint presentation with a friend of mine. Lets see how that goes , well on a brighter note my tattoo is healing nicely maybe next time I'll post a progress photo of it.

My father is going to get another tattoo , so I want another well nothing to exaggerated . I'm looking for a dragon tattoo that will go coiled over my right arm , I know its a bit too soon before I start thinking about another tattoo but its just one of those gut feelings that you know its right.