Meditating /Ballet

Hi there ,

I know it's been some time since I posted. I have been feeling mostly tried and busy with college , well today was officially my third ballet lesson. My sister came with me this time , I can tell she's only coming since 1. she doesn't want anyone saying anything critical of her and 2. I think she's coming just for me.

Well to be honest my sister coming today , got me confused while doing the movements since the old woman was giving mysister direction but I thought she was telling me and it got me confozzled.

The lesson was hard today but fun . Even after the third lesson that spark in me to learn was still great. It pushed my brain more to think in a different perspective and learn how to move on counts.

Also three days ago I kinda of injured my right foot and my ankle is a little swollen so got to use Sunday to rest my foot. Since this week I will focusing on my work for college since I released there's only three months till my maths test and three left of this course. Da, DAAAAAAAA

I feel like the year is going quickly already , but I will my sure to try to make each day productive and full filling.

In addition , I have started mediation again since I feel I'm ready . What I'm doing is process of confronting negative emotions. The first one is self doubt .. While everyone I know is telling me I can do it , I'm telling myself it looks impossible . So confronted that emotion in my meditation . Spent the next two days as through I was being purged of the self doubt I had. Then I proceeded to confront Fear. My fear of old age , which in my mind would result in death and being old would mean it would be end of enjoying life , and also confronting my fear of gaining all the weight I lost and ballooning even more.

You could say I spent next two day being purged of all those irrational fears as well. I will say this it does not mean that feeling fear and doubt has completely gone away I will foolish in saying that but what has happened is I'm slowly being released of these fear that rules my life.

In addition , when meditating I saw the energy that is in the crown of the head which looks like a lotus flower . Well I saw mine , obviously its not a lotus flower but its kinda of shaped like one. It was gold looking and flowey. I felt like I was powered up with this energy and new sense of wisdom.

Well I'am taking this meditation slowly and hoping this will help in the up coming battles I have ...

what we are

What are we?,

God's image ?

Or just evolution ?

If we are evolution , does that mean god is envolving with us? or are we're evolving to become god.

Now I know for sure , male and female were born together in god's image. Therefore, its a reflection that there a balance in everything. Like good and evil , bad and good , hot and cold , young and old , sweet and sour.

So god also comes in two.

From my memories of the 'past' I know that the first human had great abilities but the need for these great abilities became less and was forgottten over time.

I wonder about if there are other people in the world who share my memories? it would be nice to talk to some one who knows , the feelings and regret over what was. I here when we are recarnated we choose are parents for what ever reason. I know I chose mine since it was a way for my beloved and I to stay together even if our situation meant our age would be an obstacle.

It was '50s' , we went to those swinging parties dancing the night away. I had blonde curled hair and wore deep red lipstick. Something happened and we died and our era and place meant the closest people we could find were the people we fond and chose as parents.

Well I don't what happened that made us chose those people but we paid the price in staying close. My love and I's childhood are very similar strangely , we were born the same month. We were the first born. We both had a parent that was incapable of being a parent.

I feel like I'am dwelling a little in the past , time break the cycle of what this life was meant to be. My way of rebelling against the injustice of the price paid, is to do the oppostie of what I'am meant not to do.

Wall of motivation plus two lesson's down

Two days ago , I decided to make a wall of motivation. Where I stuck up the university letter , maths statement entry and ballet. I thought to myself that if I don't see things that I need to do I go into denial and think it ain't happening being maths the number one important thing here.

So every time I look up , when I'm sitting where my lap top is . I can remind myself on the important things I'm working at.

Well today has been officially my second lesson of ballet. Plus last Wednesday I brought ballet shoes for my sister and I however my sister decided to go swimming with my mother and younger brother therefore my father took me to ballet alone. The good thing was my father was at least there.

Its shame my sister missed today's lesson . I learnt new positions , while I felt like a giant making the old woman's house shake with each jump. It was great I felt I was challenging myself and body with all the excerises I was doing. It was difficult but worth it. Since I feel I'am the first of my family to challenge their beliefs about themselves and how far there willing to go out from there comfort zone. Because anyone who knows would be like '

ichigo ballet?, nah ... who don't look like the type'

Besides I felt really special wearing my first ballet shoes.

Questions but no answers

Well that's annoying the link didn't work. :(

Today has been been not so good for me... I have come down with a cold urgh

So I feel like crap.

The funny thing is these three days I have been seeing more ghosts , like this morning I went into the gym in the entrance I turned my head and saw a male ghost figure standing behind this advertisement board thing. Also while coming from the gym I saw a black shadow on the road.

But the thing I see all of this things in flashes like a camera , its like a thirty second thing and then its gone. I think it goes quickly since my rational mind comes into play and my brain goes into shock .

There also the whispers I hear , like when I'm sitting down watching T.V with the family and I like hear whispers and turn around to see if anyone is talking but no-one is. Who know what the hell it is, maybe its beginnings of schizophrenia or I'm just simply going mad. ??? lots of questions I have but no answers.

But my biggest question is 'How do I knows things , that are , have happened ?' with out even reading the information or hearing it from another person?? its like the bible series thing I talked about on my previous post. I knew all the information they were saying even before watching the show. Like how did I know that???

I'm not one of those clique mediums , 'oh why me? , why can't I be normal?' I'm past that , I just want answers , yes I admit it those disrupt my life but I can live with it.

Well my next post will be on some past life revelations I have had , so stay tune folks !!!

Feeling pretty today

Hi there , thought I would try something bold and put a face to name . Since , today I feel pretty which doesn't happen very often. I thought I would share in thoughts why I feel pretty.

Got dressed up since I might going to the cinema with my family to see Percy Jackson and the lighting thief however my mother still isn't back from the doctors with my brother and sister since she took my brother to see the doctor since each time my brother goes out in the cold weather. He comes out with a really bad rash over his cheeks and chin. Also it raining pretty badly so it looks unlikely we could be going.

Oh yeah do let me known if the link works...

The bible in history

I have seeing a series on the TV Internet thing. About the bible and different people each episode investigate main themes about the bible. The first episode was about creation , the second about Abraham, the third the laws of moses. That episode I hated the woman who 'supposedly' wanted to investigate what were the real facts about Moses. But you could clearly see she was biased and wouldn't allow any other theories or beliefs to be acknowledged since she had this absolute belief in her religion.

But the most recent episode , shocked me. It was titled the daughters of eve , where this female historian was investigating about women in the bible . How in the bible it says that Adam was born first and made eve from his spare rib, was wrong since she was able to look in the earliest bible which looked like the torah . Where it was written on paper then rolled up in a pin , where it says that god made adam and eve at the same time . That they were made in his image , that eve didn't have a name so it was years later jewish priests called the first woman eve. That adam means the beginning or making 'can't remember which'.

But the reason why I find it shocking is , I already knew this , I even spoke about my theory years back with my father and even now that god is both female and male . This is proof that I was right. It just leaves in shock that I have this knowledge .

Well here's the link I hope it works since its on youtube 'The bible in history'

Just goes to shows don't go and blindly believe

Been

Been hearing whispers but don't see anyone talking.

Been seeing silhouettes of ghosts that radiant with energy.

Been confused, trying to find a direction here.

I wonder why parents become parents? is it the ego of what to produce something you call yours or a mini - me that will do everything you say.

If that's the case , I certainly won't become a parent anytime soon. This half term looks like its gonna be tough. Since my father hasn't got a holiday so he still working the whole day and my mother took out holidays from her work. So its like a whole week of hearing her shouting every word since that's her way of communication.

Seeing my siblings behaviour transform from being human beings to being spite full with each other and playing mental mind games with my mother , who hasn't got the parenting skills to deal with it.

I'm really at the point of not giving a shit anymore, this usually happens in my house where my parents well parent.. worry excessively about themselves and my siblings they tend to forget me. I guess I'm forget able since I spend all my time in my crypt which I call room.

However, I don't want to go down from my room , I just want them to think how I would be feeling . When they have those petty agreements which each other , just the notion of them considering how I fit in aswell will do me fine.

It just makes me feel I have gone past my sell by date with my parents , where I'm too old to need consideration about my feelings.

Well , Fuck it , I'am gonna make my own life . Even if there's not many people in it who care about my existence , I will live it. Just right now going through the emotions of feeling ok then just not ok.

Well things I have done today.

1. Gone to the gym.
2. Went for physiotherapy
3. cleaned my room
4. revised maths
5. looked at some random crap in the internet.
6. Did research for college work.
7. remembered to have lunch at the right time
8. did my college work

Right now I'am debating whether I should do something naughty :)

Getting my crap together

Today I got a nasty shock, I have one more chance to get the grade I need for maths. Well I think I have one more chance since I read some of the offers from the three universities so far that have given me a conditional offer. That they will give me place if I meet the grades with my work at college and getting that grade for maths.

I guess I really fail to read the small print sometimes, but if it hadn't been for me looking for other reasons at my offers . I wouldn't have read that bit, however I'm going to call the universities , telling them I'm receiving lessons on maths .That I'm taking again the test in the summer and I wonder if I twist the truth a little and say that I was ill most of the time in my last year of high school and that it affected my education in my maths and it affected my overall grade and have been receiving support in maths every since but have shown a progress of improvement in grades.

Well my work at college is no problem since I WILL GET THAT DOWN but with my maths I really need to my crap together and study hard.

I will be honest and say I feel stressed in addition with problems with my mother and my love life and my four month plan to lose 10lbs.

With all these things doesn't really make me a happy bunny, you know when you get those typical depressed people who don't eat when they depressed . I'm the opposite , if I'm not care full I could mindless eat if stressed but I'm working hard to revert to a typical depressed person so at least it would be one less thing to be worried about.

With all of this hurdles, there's added thing with past live memories . Seeing the dearly departed and hearing whispers in the night while I'm trying to get to sleep. These last two nights I have been hearing whispers in room and then this male voice saying 'miss me' I swear that's what I heard. It felt like it was just like that time when I was 15-16 , sleeping my old room in a different house . Being scared shit less since I was hearing a full blown conversation between two male ghosts in my room and me under the covers.

I really need guidance right now on what to do, just this once for someone to tell me they can help me and give me advice. I say the lords prayer every night . praying that some one can help me .

SO GOD HELP ME NOW , FIND ME SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP , A GUIDE

I PROMISE I WILL GET OFF MY ASS AND LOOK BUT COULD YOU HELP ME IN MY SEARCH FOR GUIDANCE. IT AIN'T FOR LITTLE OLD ME TO BE LOOKING BY HERSELF WITH OUT NO HELP. I'M NOT AN EVIL PERSON I HAVEN'T KILLED ANYONE OR STOLEN BUT I HAVE CHEATED AND I WILL BE GLAD TO REPENT FOR ANY ILL FEELINGS.

AMEN

First lesson of Ballet

Hey there,

My little sister and I had our first lesson of ballet. Well, all I can say it was interesting.
My father drove us there , we knocked at the door and there comes out a really old woman using a walker to greet us. I swear she scared the living bejesus out my little sister and I. Just see how frail she looked and she shouted quite a lot she her hearing was shot, where she was like to my sister 'you got to shout dear since I can't hear.'

The dance studio was in her house. Where there was the bar and mirrors , pictures every of her old students and loads of certificates. For the hour we had this old woman instructing us verbally what to do. We understood 99% of it so my father said she's a good teacher for to be able to teach verbally and the funny was she first said 'as you can see I can't demonstrate , so I want to see how bright you are'

Well it was a understatement of the year!

But, all and all it was good . I definitely learnt something new so I will going with my sister next saturday. Like I told my sister noting perfect in the world, I most of called at leat ten places and they either didn't do beginners classes or they were just too far away. So, I guess you take what life gives you.

Tomorrow's Valentine's day. I will be giving my beloved my feelings as a present, the second thing I value most in the world.

Different disguise

Today has been a really cold day here in London. Well I decided to wear the new top I brought three days ago. So this was the clothes I was wearing today at college.

Today has been tiring , went to the gym this morning as always . Came home and found I had lost track of time and was 5 mins behind in leaving the house therefore , I has run for the quickest bus that would take me to college.

I felt like today was a monotonous day, where every thing felt the same. I felt like I was doing thing mechanically with no real emotion behind it. It feel like a block that was once in my head is gone and its like what was once me is not anymore. I guess remembering things does change a person since memories are me essentially but lets just say in a different disguise each time.

Oh, yeah this saturday my sister and I are getting private teaching in ballet from this old woman. I have only spoken to her on the phone but she sounds ancient but oh well, at least I found some one to teach me and rope in my 11 year old sister to learn with me.

Reincarnations

Feeling 40% ok , today.

Its between snowing and raining here in London and its really cold that I even feel my bones hurting.

The last two days have been really shaky for me , mentally and spiritually. Right I'am remembering more past lives and hearing a different language in my head. Right now I don't which is me now, ichigo or my soul , the first person who had this soul of mine.

In remembering , I see france , I see big dresses and white wigs. Then I see russia or some place similar to russia , where there's a camp fire and people are singing dancing , drinking and being merry. Then I see england a big church , where I'm at the alter saying the lords prayer in old english.

I wonder how much my human mind can take? with all this information.

Yesterday my father said he had to go at 5pm to meet this guy from his work since he meant to go on another over night drive weekend thing but didn't go since it was my sisters birthday. I realized he would be back very late and I almost cried out for him to stay. I desperately said in a low voice I didn't want him to go. But he looked at me and tried to shrug my reaction as over reacting and said 'don't be silly , I will be back'

I realized I was closed to losing control and being hysterical. So, I said nothing and changed the conversation. I guess its that emotional attachment going on there , realizing that him going only cuts down the hours I see him even more.

To be honest I don't know whats gonna happen to me , what can an eighteen year old do , when she holds and remembers memories of her reincarnations.

so much

So much, has happened .

So much has been said.

So much has been felt.

I'm tired right now.... My soul feels tired right now.

Can't deal with my mother right now, not her 'what have I done to you?' or constant 'whats wrong?' or the sorry's that I don't care about.

I don't want to be mother to my siblings , I don't want to give into to my idea of learning how to use the wash machine so I can wash my own clothes so she won't have anything to say but I guess I will learn so there won't be that excuse she cleans my clothes.

I don't want to see her face

This morning I experienced thirty minutes of happiness to be later reminded it will be gone again for another week. So, Monday starts again .......

And fuck I don't want it to come.....

Right now I'm thinking of moving out slowly from the house. So, if being alone its gonna be a permanent fixture in my life then I will move out to not see my mother face any more. However, these ideas are in the planning stage.....

Well yesterday I had my first maths class back since my father finally got some money rustled up. Tomorrow gonna go out to pay for the maths exam in the summer.

Right now I'm doing very naughty things that I shouldn't do.... I guess its my sign of screaming out loud.

Here and then

This me, in the year 2010 , if you scroll down you can see what state I looked like two years ago. Thought maybe I could share my progress so far . I'm kinda of paranoid with these things so bare with me with I sound to vague with the description of the photos.




Two years ago in summer , I went on a holiday. I was on my last limb as you can say and deeply unhappy with my appearance and deeply depressed about my existence. As you can see in the photo , you tell why I wanted to hide away from any sort of attention.

But now, I can look at this comparisons once and a while see what progress I have made, before I was fat and depressed .... Now I'm just depressed lol

Kidding .. I think.

But just want to say thank you again to Johnz for the wonderful support over my last posts. Even through we are two different parts of the world , this blog has made a unique friendship.

By the way I'm still calling for ballet schools hopefully tomorrow I will get a result.

A dream that's a bit shattered

Yesterday night , I kind of had my dream shattered a little.

The ballet school I was meant to study in at the end of February , turned out to be a bit further away from my house than expected. My father and I looked on google map and he said ' I ain't letting you go there especially late at night , since around 8pm the area gets filled with drug dealers and I don't want you coming back home raped'

Since I realized the school I wanted to go to , was in the area filled with black people. This area in London called brixton is like a Chinatown. But. its known for gang related shootings and drug dealings.

I was so disappointed to realize I hadn't checked properly and it disheartened me to carry on looking for anymore schools. Before we could carrying on looking my father had to go out for a while to talk to some guy, I stayed up for as long as I could but it was getting late and I went to sleep sad that he didn't come back and finished helping me find some place. However, there is a possibility of going to another school. Its still far but closer than the other one. Well, when my father comes home later on I will talk it over with him.

But. I'm so pissed . That each time I wanna do something new I have to do the research by myself and phone myself and if I do happen to find some thing it doesn't turn out to be right.

These at the moments when I want to someone to help me and for once say

'Hay , ichigo I have found the place for you'

That would be so fucking wonderful ......

Well , this morning I woke up to go to the gym. Went downstairs so my father he looked at me and I looked at him . I could see in his eyes he felt guilty for no coming back in time however, I'm a little passed caring.

So I went to the gym did 50 mins tread mill with incline 4.0 to 10.0 and was experimenting with the speeds and incline settings. Trying to do something so my body won't get used to doing the same exercise. Finshed out with using the stationary bike and went home.

Well at the moment I'm happy with my progress , I haven't weighed myself but going with measurements at the moment.

My waist was 26.3inch
Now- 26.1inch

My mesurements of the other body area are going down. I'll see if I will do a weigh real weigh in on saturday.

WOW, more followers

Just realized there's more followers.

just wanna hi and thanks for following !!!!

Thanks

Thank you Johnz, for your last comment. It really meant a lot to me....

I'm really on edge at the moment , maybe its the lack of human contact at the moment or the lack of food. Who's knows things are kind of fucked up at the moment , it like we are playing this great game of 'Family' that nothing else can matter. Not the despair or the torment of being isolated from my beloved.

What have I got to complain? , I'm living a 'life' , I'm studying , I have all the essentials a girl of my age needs. So what have I got to complain about????

Right now its taking all my self restrained to not push the self destruct button. All this anxiety is building up , there's no one here anymore to sooth it. I just keep scratching at my skin . just wanting to tear my skin to let it out.

I have had periods of this but he has always been there to calm my fears to be my blanket . Now that blanket has been pulled out from me and now I'm left alone.

I guess this blog is where I can be brutally honest with what I'am thinking and feeling without offending my family members.