I was the 'swan' in swan lake

Went on to the bbc iplayer website , where you can see shows that you might have missed on t.v.
I have happened to see they had swan lake performance there , I love the orchestra from swan lake. Its where I completely lose myself and see a past life where I was the prima ballerina and my great love was the conductor from the orchestra , in this memory I have I'm like dancing for him.

Well here's link if anyone wants to see. I haven't finished watching all of it but the beginning was already beautiful.

I strongly know deep in my heart that these memories I have are true. Its like now as I get older its like my personality from my past lives are like blending in the present. Its where I don't think of myself as this person but as this body I inhabit now to be a vessel and that my true soul is coming awake. This awakening is happening and my thoughts are more like my souls than my present being.

Its difficult to explain , it like my true soul is acting as Ichigo while Ichigo is just a vessel. Since are more memories now than where I first started remembering at high school.

Well at least my body or should I say 'vessel' is at a much better condition than it was four years ago. I guess its my natural vanity talking when I refer to the state of my body , I always think

'well , when I will get to this certain place with my body it will be one less thing to worry about'

But , this thought has been less constant in my head than before as body image is becoming less important. Since I guess losing inches is good enough for me at the moment .

Freaky

I'm here trying to finish my homework, Comteplating whether I should eat something or hold out. Silly? really ... but I know I will be a good little girl and grab the last snack of the day. Well I'm still in that mood from last night therefore body image doesn't really matter that much at the moment.

Well today , I saw a person spying on me. I think its my grandfather again he has the habit of using astral projection to see his son or me in England while his all the way in south America.

Freaky isn't?...

Well these days I feel like I'm living in past life than my present. Its like the past and present are clashing. Where one minute I'm at home watching t.v. the next I'm in the Renaissance period looking at a marble table and seeing a minature wood clock. It feels like a lock in me that was placed has been cut off and all these feelings are now pouring out.

gETTING SUCKED BACK IN

I think the holidays are killing me. I'm getting this warped feeling like I'm high on drugs when I haven't taken anything. Millions of thoughts of dying and ways of doing it , like how its easy to buy millions of paracetamol and aspirin and how I would store it in my hello kitty box.

How I'M just bobbing my head right now back and forward and fidgeting non-stop here. Well one good thing here is if I'm going mad at least , I won't be fat and mad . I can be one of those extremely fit person who's secretly mad.

I guess its ever the holidays or this stage in my life where I go into periods of mania and depression. I guess my beloved father view would be' go do it' but knowing my father he would be really thinking in his mind ' GOD DON'T FUCKING DO IT'

I guess right now I really want a break in life , I want to go back to college and hear that my retarded tutor has already sent my application for university. I want to organize my workspace but can't concentrate long enough to do it. To be honest this feeling Right is addictive and its easy to go back into maybe I can do all the things I do now and be this way as well. Who knows through madness creativity and inspiration comes through. Aren't all great geniuses made?

I guess right now different things make me .
Wanting to push the limits of my body.
Seeing the paranormal

I wonder if seeing is making me a little loopy.

christmas wasn't as expected

Christmas came and went . It was anti-climatic , it is like all the christmas joy suddenly was sucked out of me and replaced by dissapointment. It kind of felt like I was the only one trying to spread christmas joy but everyone else looked like they had given up.

I'm like thinking maybe its took late for me to celebrate it since I'm already old and my father has gotten tried of trying to make christmas joyful for me since in the past I didn't want do anything. Its like I'm going into that phase again when I think 'what next?' , somethimes I feel like I'm doing the same thing over and over again. That nothings changing and I think what will happen when I reach 21.

Today , I have just really have been having terrible thoughts and I feel like I have added on twenty pounds overnight like I'm carrying around a huge weight that won't get off. I just feel numb and I'm filled despair like I'm waiting for the next bad thing to happen.

Merry christmas

merry christmas

Christmas holidays deadly for your sanity

Apart from going to the gym this morning , I haven't been anywhere else. To be honest it was kind of a boring day. It didn't make things better when I have to constantly see my mother since I have now gotten used not seeing her in normal working days. Since when she's here its a painful reminder that she doesn't meet up my expectations of doing motherly duties , that shes has spent so much time consumed with her job that she does not know what to do at home.

Its like the holidays make me see how alien my family members may look since I might be seeing there true faces. Its like I'm stuck in one set of moral values and feelings as where my brother and sister are slowly growing up 'normal'. Where there been left to there own devices like any other child in this 21st century , e.g spending the whole day playing video games , sitting down and doing nothing.

This Christmas , I want to make it mine since just this once I want to have hope that what Christmas stands for could happen. Where unity in the family is there but as where all other Christmas's I see how there a great veneer of fakeness in family unity especially in mine. I guess I remember one christmas I truely saw how fake the suspose christmas cheer there was , I got extremely drunk and tried to kill myself with painkillers that were prescribed to me. I remember in my drunken state how my father said 'if your gonna slit your wrists , well do it then' as my father was extremely angry for my display of anger and negative attitude. So in my stubborness I tried to but remember been shoved by my mother to go to bed.

Well in the next morning it wasn't spoken about since I apologized deeply for my poor display as a person and was forgiven. I tell this story not to justify why I might not have strong feelings towards this holiday but to show how far I have come in just wanting to find 'hope' in shaping a christmas I can enjoy.

Alive with new hello kitty stuff

I'm alive thank god , the last post I did my illness got worse that night. Where I woke up with extreme stomach pain , went to the toilet and the next I know I'm lying on floor half passed out. So, I try to go back to bed to ride out the pain but it gets really bad so I go downstairs and wake my father. It was around half four in the morning when I went downstairs , my father told me to lie down on his bed but the pain gathered up in my stomach and the only way to relieve it was by sitting up and burping.

It wasn't untill my father gave me some pills to relief the pain that I had three hours more sleep. Well the next day I spent the whole day without eating , since I knew if I ate something I would be in pain and I spend the whole day lying on the family couch since it hurt to move. Well it wasn't untill sunday I felt better but had to only eat light food like I had a fruit salad for breakfast and chicken soup for lunch and nothing else.

Yesterday I also brought a new hello kitty plush toy , the one in red and my mother brought me the tea set. The other photos were things I brought previously , when shopping for clothes.

This morning went to the gym , to be honest I wasn't at 100% well but I was well enough to go.