The layers of me

Just been thinking about the layers that make me , really .... I have obsessive behaviours , where I can only think about one think , it can be distracting. Also , today I saw some weird things today . I was in the kitchen , I turned around and I saw my little brother , it looked like he had a black ring around his head and a black shape bell looking thing on top of his head.

Don't know what to make of it. Things like this just add another layer to me and of course the other human layers I have wanting to be lighter since I see being quite short I should be light , I guess that layer is the vanity one.

Well speaking about my mother hear for a second ... I have noticed she has lost some weight. With her behaviours it can makes it hard for me to be sensible about losing the 4-5 lbs since I see my mother modelling such behaviours. It kind of makes me think in my head 'well , fuck it I know I can lose quicker if a eat xxx amount of food' .

However my rational mind kicks in and says 'well , what happens when you stop losing . you will end up binging and feeling bloated , which will make you feel more unhappy' It kind of sucks been put in this position seen my mother's actions kind of want to make me justify my own. But , I know these are excuses I make for myself to get the easy way out.

f---K I think my mother has an bulimia

Right now , I think I'm hearing my mother trying to make herself throw up. The bathroom downstairs gives off an echo. I think I have mentioned before my mother has shown to have disordered eating patterns. Especially , I know she buys laxatives since I've seen them.

Well , I'm not surprised since I'm first to admit I have disordered eating thoughts and habits. There have articles published by doctors that eating disorders can be genetic. I really don't if I should approach the subject , fuck I don't even know I should care.

In the past , while trying to eat into some normal eating pattern , I have experienced a brief episodes of bulimia However , I have found this made my face puffy and I could end up gaining the weight I had lost. Therefore , I did lots of research on what 'normal eating' was . It meant a healthy lifestyle choice not a diet but a lifestyle choice. I could ever choose to eat 'junk food' , that causes binges , then you feel you want to restrict. Or,I can choose to eat better nourishing food , which makes me feel happy.

I chose option two , so far it has worked for me. However , my mother who is now 38 years old doesn't like have a more open mind. Therefore, its really hard to try and tell her new ideas since she's stuck in her own 'way of thinking'

Well, I'm thinking of maybe consulting my father . However , my father's view on mental illnesses is pretty cynical , he does think about it and gives out advice but his tired of trying to care of my mother for all these years. I really hope I don't sound too cruel , its just I'm giving my honest view on what I'm thinking. God forgive me , if it sounds too diabolical

100th post people - Paranormal activity

Just saw paranormal activity

, my review ' a waste of money' . Just a lot of door slamming and freaky sounds coming out a chick squealing to a invisible ghost. The only scary part was the ghost pulling the girl out from her bed , while her boyfriend jumps out from the bed to save her.

Well , today I'm feeling more hope full I get the feeling in my other posts . I might been expressing some negative feelings. Maybe I was indulging in them , anyway can't believe this is my hundred post. I sense I have been slowly developing my blog into the direction I want to take it. Here is where I feel most free in expressing whats in my mind since in real life you can't simply say what your thinking. Just imagine if everyone were say the things they were thinking , there would be a third world war there.

Ok, my abilities are still there . For some strange reason I was thinking they were going to go. But I realize my abilties are connected to my emotions . The last three days I had been feeling not so good so I guess I was just in that one frame of mind and I was ignoring the my outer surroundings and other things. I think now I 'am going to have deal with these emotions that are popping up , which I think that has to do with my abilities.

I guess my questions is 'will my emotions be any different , than a normal person's emotion?'
Since last week I have been noticing that my emotions react differently to a normal persons.

alone

Didn't go to that party thing , felt too tired. Well I disappointed my father with that decision , so he said angrily that I can stay home. I don't if the choice I made is right but honestly I feel like my soul is abit tired. Johnz if your reading this I don't mind if you comment on the other blogg its fine.

Right now as I'm typing this I'm alone in the house. I just can't stand at the moment talking with other people , trying to look nice and having to sit down aimlessly on a chair listening people speaking nonsense. I'm feeling to left alone , like everyone has some one to speak to except for me.

Better posture and some God talk

Yeah , I'm leaning comfortable on a wall while typing this post. My shoulders don't hurt and my posture is not so hunched. Since the last three days the stress of last weekend just typing out my college work in a hunched position for more than 4 hours killed my shoulders and I was feeling lots of pain afterwards.

In other news , maybe at 5pm my family and I maybe going to my father's aunties silver anniversary . However , the people who set it up is this christian group . Who are REALLY religious. Plus they tend to unpunctual about time so , the invite says 5pm for sure they will start it by 5:30pm or later and finish really late.

Plus , I know for it will be boring as hell , excuse the pun. I'm all gun ho for god but this people spend half there type waiting for a miracle instead of making there miracle come true. It like god isn't going to personally make your prayers come true , he helps you if you move and make something happen and like help you find the things you need. If your like looking for work he'll probably help you find a long lost friend that can help you find work.

My motto is (something I made up now) :)

' Miracles happen with reaction'

stress ful two days

well yesterday , there was the grading in my father school . We all got yellow belts , the hall was packed with both the kids and the adults training together. I was trying to hold it together since I felt really tired and drained , still feel that way right now. Right now I wanna go to sleep , I want to say forever but thats dangerous thinking if you get my drift.

I guess the last two days , has made me stand out from my family members. With the dog dying and everything and guess what my father is planning to buy a new puppy. I'm thinking WTF , the dog just died and your like thinking of buying a new one but oh well , they say I have a cold heart about my father is already planning a replacement.

I guess whats hurt me the last two days is my fathers tactless comments on how 'I don't give a shit, about the dog' . When , my father says comments like that it makes me question how would I react with a person I knew died. 'Would I react the same way?'

The funny is sometimes I laugh when I see someone dying in one of those movies. I don't really laugh when people are all laughing at a joke together , I'm like the only one not laughing. I don't know , what to think . I guess I was waiting for my father to say 'its ok , the react that way' or 'I don't judge you'

Update on the after effects of the death

well... My mother called my father to see what was happening , my father explained the situation fully. Low and behold my mother started crying through the mobile when my father was explaining what happened in the animal hospital.

Guess my mother got close to the dog as well , I guess I was the only one who didn't really want the dog from the start. I'm being honest I really didn't like the dog that much , really thought of it as a something to be nice to once and a while. But , I didn't hate it just didn't hold to much expectations of having a pet dog.

My father is kind of blaming himself since the x-rays showed the dog swallowed shards of broken glass from a coco-cola bottle and my father feel guilty for forgetting to clear it up. I'm like saying to him that the dog could of swallowed anything , it just happened to be that.

I guess I'm the only one who hasn't cried , I'm there trying to give moral support but trying my hardest not to be insensitive.