Burying a part of myself

Last night , I had a dream that my father was helping me in bury a part of me that was like shown as a clone of me. In my dream I saw my father deconstructing me piece by piece so to make it easier for him carry the body.

I went with to a cemetery with a shovel in hand. With started to dig in the ground then I suddenly realise that the soil has turned muddy, then I see we have already finished . My head hurts a little just remembering , I guess I burying a part of me but the question is what part? Its annoying when the only answer you get is the predictable answer. 'Your changing or your going through a change'
Fair enough if the answer is that but what change I'm I going through or what exactly I'm I changing into? These are questions I have and no one to answer them. I guess no-one really has been there to answer it.

The person that has been is 'time' since as the saying goes 'time will tell' and I know that saying was made for me.

On a brighter note , I got a new laptop so the next posts will be in my new laptop that comes with a camera. :)

Some nice looking snack

Thought I'd show my cute new mug and bowl , that I will obssesively use to eat and drink my food from.



Some strawberry yoghurt in my new eeoh mug that I brought in a scales with the bowl in a cheap price.


Some chopped up apple , with pieces of millet cakes sandwhich together with nutella.

I thought the way my food looked today was pretty cute looking and just wanted to show off what I brought today.

A dream I had when I was five

When I was five I think , I had dream. A dreamed I was dead and I was an angel with huge white wings. I dreamed I was crying that my mother couldn't see me since I was in the place where all spirits stay with they don't move on. That I was in the old flat where I used to live and mother was walking around going through the walls screaming desperately for her to hear me.

What a dream to have so young, I guess that's when I started playing with death. The words 'death, dead , dying' crop up a lot in my life. Whether , I'm seeing the dead or wanting to be dead or just laughing out the notion of death . It seems to be always at the background , the funny thing technically we don't die our energy just gets converted into something else. That's one of the laws of energy learnt that at college.

Well looking back at the dream , I guess a shrink would tell me or 'Ichigo , as a young kid you felt dead to your mother' maybe its true . maybe at some point of my childhood my mother lost a daughter. I look so much like my mother but our personalities couldn't be so different , I remember being small and going into a shop with my mother and shop assistant asking with we were sisters. I guess it might sound very cliche , my non-existent relationship with my mother.

But, it does feel better typing this out. It gives me a chance the properly analysis this better. I guess my mothers behaviour the last three days has given food for thought.

Having meals late

Thank god, on Monday my structured eating will be back. Since the holidays with my mother makes breakfast at 9 or 10AM . As where I usually have breakfast at 8:30am , like right now lunch looks like set to happen at 2 o'clock pm. This unorganized structure of eating times leaves me hungry and I end up under eating since I eat a snack and end feeling full then when 'lunch' comes in I just have a little not even meal sized.

I'm tired of telling my mother if she can plan things early , her only response is 'I will do it at my own time' that just annoys me. Since she has have that control and she doesn't like change and thinks feeding people junk won't effect them. Like the past two days shes feeds my father Cornish pastry filled with heavy condiments and sauce. She know father has had his gallbladder remove and can't eat food that's filled with condiments , strong sauces or generally greasy stuff. Because two days after my father is throwing up his guts in the toilet. We tell her to lay of the heavy but she gets angry first since we are telling her what do, however, we just ask her not command her .

Like this morning my mother was about feed my father for breakfast a heavy carb loaded Cornish pastry but said he can't since his been throwing up and that there's nothing to eat. My mother say nothing and sits down to eat while not search for something to give my father for breakfast. My father was there looking at my mother while she ate her breakfast while he was there sipping his herbal tea. You see, how crazy is that ? its my mother was endeared with quick thinking.

I can tell also how my mother buys lots of different types of breads , even when there lots of bread at home and this aswell my father to throw away a bag full of bread that has gone hard since most of don't really some of types of bread she brings. Like I don't eat white bread or bread that supposed to filled with onions , who hell eats that type of bread . I don't and make me feel bad that we are through away bread while we could using that money to food that people really eat in the house. When father tells my mother to stop buying bread , her natural response is to get angry and say 'ok , ok' as a way shut my father up and ignore the situation.

That's why I say thank god monday my brother and sister will be going back to school I can get back my normal structure of eating and my mother can back to not being at home and just go to work.

Well I end this post and its 1:55pm just as I predicted lunch will be at 2:00pm

Going back

This Wednesday , I go back to college. I'm relieved to go back but anxious since this week I'm gonna to talk to my retarded tutor on why she hasn't sent my university application yet. The deadline for it is January 15th , these four months will be about finishing the second year of my forensic science course. I wanna do biomedical science in university then I can have a foundation of knowledge so I can then move into learning medicine

I kind of have this view of myself as the underdog since lots of people applying to university have done lots of stuff e.g . won awards , help the elderly. While I spent most of my high school year fighting to stay sane. However , while I was doing my application for university I saw my grades on how they looked and there weren't bad mostly A's and B's minus the maths grade since its the only weak area I have. Where my grade was a E then I studied again for 5 months to retake the test hoping to get take C I need but only to be devastated to get a D. All I good was at least its an improvement , I got the result on a Saturday lets just say I didn't handle it well and when my family went to park. I was alone , I went at brought some painkillers and proceeded to take them to get some numbing effect.

But, lucky I got over that and got a new tutor and revised to do the test again last November. They I should get the result in March and honestly I'm a bit cynical about it and prefer to even to not even know the result. But, this has left me determined no matter what happens to improve my maths skills and aim for a higher grade.

Well my mental state at the moment is a bit weird at the moment , haven't been depressed per say however its like I'm keep having thoughts on what kind of destructive things I wanna do to myself. Being in recovery from a mental illness doesn't mean it will go away , I say my mental illness has connection with my abilities as a medium since sometimes the mind can't cope with different types of information being processed through the brain. The brain goes haywire and if haven't got anyone to help you interpet the information , let just say you will go a little fruit loops.

These last two months I have been recieving new information in terms of me remembering more memories of a past life and my soul feeling awake. I guess this has affected my mental state , from what I can workout the thoughtsn I'm having could be due to my soul wanting get out from this vessel which is my body.

Doing instead of planning and fat girl mentality

When I plan things I usually almost do what I plan but I always end up changing the plan a little or end up doing something completely different. Therefore, I do and not plan .

I will write the things I will do.

Well this morning woke up later than usually , normally I wake up at 8:20am but today woke up at 9:20am so I had breakfast later. Well, while I prepared breakfast my mother being at work (thank god for that). My beloved father was having a crisis of body image, where he was like 'I'm getting skinny again , my chest has gone down'

In my family we are all plagued by body dismorphia , including me. So, I'm there telling him he looks fine and that his been on and off again going to the gym the last two weeks since of the holiday season. My father tells us all then at the table 'Oh, I'm going to the gym then for an hour' , when he says this it sets of my own anxiety about my body and how I wanna go the gym.

But, I compensated by doing ten minutes of skipping and ten minutes of weights. So, that lowered my anxiety a lot but I guess I have this irrational belief if I'm not constantly active , I will balloon up again. I guess when losing weight , you gonna have to lose the weight in your mind as well. I think for all people actively losing weight they should have counselling as well since they need learn how to cope with there new body and learn the reason why they let themselves get to that size. Since , you lose the weight but you'll still have the fat girl mentality and you still do the same things to hide your self since you think there are still fat bits to hide.

Through my own personally experience with weight loss , I known how hard it is to get used to having a new body. Since some days in my mind I still think I'm 30lbs overweight , I'm like there carrying that weight mentally , it hinders you emotional since it stops you from moving forward.

2010 , bad start maybe good after

Show's 11:46pm just in case you all can't see.


Well happy new year for those spend it somewhere nice.

Well, I can say I spend new years eve watching a my uncle drunk singing karaoke and his drunken state happen to start babbling about my forgotten childhood. Parts about my childhood which I meant to forget but his drunkens made his tongue looser than it already is.

He happened to say how he was the one who helped my mother meet my present father, even in the time when my mother was still living with my biological father. He mention my biological fathers name , which had known but forgotten however, to hear another person say his name makes it real and created a moment where I saw my present father and how in real life we couldn't be father and daughter since I look nothing like him at all.

That just made the night even more painful, in truth I think this so called new year's eve small family get together was only for my father benefit since he ended up drunk as well and was singing. It was most boring and painful night of my life, the of end 2009 was just a reminder of my difference with my fathers family and how it felt like I was odd one out of this picture.

Even my uncle went on to say he had photos my birthdays before my father came in to my life , that cut me deeply it was like he was saying to me even more how my present father wasn't mine since the early photos would have shown he wasn't in the start of my life. Its like we all happened to say HAPPY NEW YEAR with great fakeness about it like we could easily forget things that were said. I think for once I wanted my father to squirm to see how the injustice had been done to me and I was trying my best 'get over it' and show 'I was just fine'.

But, it pained me hear my father say 'I'm sorry' to me. As he knew that the things said to me shook me greatly inside even through I didn't look it , my father just knew that my silence and fake smiles were already warnings enough to show I had been shooken up greatly. Also, my anger showed through alittle all I said was 'there is nothing to be sorry about' , that comment made my father suprised and maybe a little as he was trying to apologise while I want him to verbally say why he was sorry for. But he just made a motion to show briefly how I looked like and that in a unspoken way he was sorry for having comments said to me that made me feel pain.

Maybe , the start of 2010 has to start with obstacles and then get easy since past new's years was never this hard or painful since it was already a bigger party , bigger house. However, the new year always start good but in the middle gets hard then by end my family and I are like struggling like hell , hanging by a thread.

But 2010 will bring change as I can feel , using my third eye I guess :)
Well on a brigther night I finally lost 1.1lb which I pretty I'am now 129.8lb yeahhhhhhhh