I was the 'swan' in swan lake

Went on to the bbc iplayer website , where you can see shows that you might have missed on t.v.
I have happened to see they had swan lake performance there , I love the orchestra from swan lake. Its where I completely lose myself and see a past life where I was the prima ballerina and my great love was the conductor from the orchestra , in this memory I have I'm like dancing for him.

Well here's link if anyone wants to see. I haven't finished watching all of it but the beginning was already beautiful.

I strongly know deep in my heart that these memories I have are true. Its like now as I get older its like my personality from my past lives are like blending in the present. Its where I don't think of myself as this person but as this body I inhabit now to be a vessel and that my true soul is coming awake. This awakening is happening and my thoughts are more like my souls than my present being.

Its difficult to explain , it like my true soul is acting as Ichigo while Ichigo is just a vessel. Since are more memories now than where I first started remembering at high school.

Well at least my body or should I say 'vessel' is at a much better condition than it was four years ago. I guess its my natural vanity talking when I refer to the state of my body , I always think

'well , when I will get to this certain place with my body it will be one less thing to worry about'

But , this thought has been less constant in my head than before as body image is becoming less important. Since I guess losing inches is good enough for me at the moment .

Freaky

I'm here trying to finish my homework, Comteplating whether I should eat something or hold out. Silly? really ... but I know I will be a good little girl and grab the last snack of the day. Well I'm still in that mood from last night therefore body image doesn't really matter that much at the moment.

Well today , I saw a person spying on me. I think its my grandfather again he has the habit of using astral projection to see his son or me in England while his all the way in south America.

Freaky isn't?...

Well these days I feel like I'm living in past life than my present. Its like the past and present are clashing. Where one minute I'm at home watching t.v. the next I'm in the Renaissance period looking at a marble table and seeing a minature wood clock. It feels like a lock in me that was placed has been cut off and all these feelings are now pouring out.

gETTING SUCKED BACK IN

I think the holidays are killing me. I'm getting this warped feeling like I'm high on drugs when I haven't taken anything. Millions of thoughts of dying and ways of doing it , like how its easy to buy millions of paracetamol and aspirin and how I would store it in my hello kitty box.

How I'M just bobbing my head right now back and forward and fidgeting non-stop here. Well one good thing here is if I'm going mad at least , I won't be fat and mad . I can be one of those extremely fit person who's secretly mad.

I guess its ever the holidays or this stage in my life where I go into periods of mania and depression. I guess my beloved father view would be' go do it' but knowing my father he would be really thinking in his mind ' GOD DON'T FUCKING DO IT'

I guess right now I really want a break in life , I want to go back to college and hear that my retarded tutor has already sent my application for university. I want to organize my workspace but can't concentrate long enough to do it. To be honest this feeling Right is addictive and its easy to go back into maybe I can do all the things I do now and be this way as well. Who knows through madness creativity and inspiration comes through. Aren't all great geniuses made?

I guess right now different things make me .
Wanting to push the limits of my body.
Seeing the paranormal

I wonder if seeing is making me a little loopy.

christmas wasn't as expected

Christmas came and went . It was anti-climatic , it is like all the christmas joy suddenly was sucked out of me and replaced by dissapointment. It kind of felt like I was the only one trying to spread christmas joy but everyone else looked like they had given up.

I'm like thinking maybe its took late for me to celebrate it since I'm already old and my father has gotten tried of trying to make christmas joyful for me since in the past I didn't want do anything. Its like I'm going into that phase again when I think 'what next?' , somethimes I feel like I'm doing the same thing over and over again. That nothings changing and I think what will happen when I reach 21.

Today , I have just really have been having terrible thoughts and I feel like I have added on twenty pounds overnight like I'm carrying around a huge weight that won't get off. I just feel numb and I'm filled despair like I'm waiting for the next bad thing to happen.

Merry christmas

merry christmas

Christmas holidays deadly for your sanity

Apart from going to the gym this morning , I haven't been anywhere else. To be honest it was kind of a boring day. It didn't make things better when I have to constantly see my mother since I have now gotten used not seeing her in normal working days. Since when she's here its a painful reminder that she doesn't meet up my expectations of doing motherly duties , that shes has spent so much time consumed with her job that she does not know what to do at home.

Its like the holidays make me see how alien my family members may look since I might be seeing there true faces. Its like I'm stuck in one set of moral values and feelings as where my brother and sister are slowly growing up 'normal'. Where there been left to there own devices like any other child in this 21st century , e.g spending the whole day playing video games , sitting down and doing nothing.

This Christmas , I want to make it mine since just this once I want to have hope that what Christmas stands for could happen. Where unity in the family is there but as where all other Christmas's I see how there a great veneer of fakeness in family unity especially in mine. I guess I remember one christmas I truely saw how fake the suspose christmas cheer there was , I got extremely drunk and tried to kill myself with painkillers that were prescribed to me. I remember in my drunken state how my father said 'if your gonna slit your wrists , well do it then' as my father was extremely angry for my display of anger and negative attitude. So in my stubborness I tried to but remember been shoved by my mother to go to bed.

Well in the next morning it wasn't spoken about since I apologized deeply for my poor display as a person and was forgiven. I tell this story not to justify why I might not have strong feelings towards this holiday but to show how far I have come in just wanting to find 'hope' in shaping a christmas I can enjoy.

Alive with new hello kitty stuff

I'm alive thank god , the last post I did my illness got worse that night. Where I woke up with extreme stomach pain , went to the toilet and the next I know I'm lying on floor half passed out. So, I try to go back to bed to ride out the pain but it gets really bad so I go downstairs and wake my father. It was around half four in the morning when I went downstairs , my father told me to lie down on his bed but the pain gathered up in my stomach and the only way to relieve it was by sitting up and burping.

It wasn't untill my father gave me some pills to relief the pain that I had three hours more sleep. Well the next day I spent the whole day without eating , since I knew if I ate something I would be in pain and I spend the whole day lying on the family couch since it hurt to move. Well it wasn't untill sunday I felt better but had to only eat light food like I had a fruit salad for breakfast and chicken soup for lunch and nothing else.

Yesterday I also brought a new hello kitty plush toy , the one in red and my mother brought me the tea set. The other photos were things I brought previously , when shopping for clothes.

This morning went to the gym , to be honest I wasn't at 100% well but I was well enough to go.

White winter but sick as a dog

Its been snowing , so a white Christmas looks set to happen. However yesterday got sick with a stomach bug where I had muscle aches , chills , stomach pain and nausea. This morning I woke up at 5:ooam since I had real bad stomach pains.

Its kind of hurts to eat anything so , I have only had a peanut bar and nothing else. I have a major loss of appetite , I thought I had swine flu since I fit more than three symptoms. But I think its just a stomach bug and feel much better now than I did before but I'm annoyed that I couldn't go to the gym this morning because I'm feeling a bit weak.

Well my brother's birthday is on the 24th december however realistically we can't celebrate it on that day properly since its christmas eve so tomorrow we are going to celebrate it and invited all his friends.

I guess I'm annoyed for getting sick since this throws me off from my study plan so I need to amend my study plan.

Winter snow and new shoes /dress

Santa Max :)

This is the dress I'am going to where for my brothers 8th birthday with the black shoes I brought. I brought another dress however party dresses are like coats you need to buy a size bigger , so maybe tomorrow or monday I'll go quickly with my father in the car to exchange the dress for a bigger size.

Well today it started snowing , so I guess it might be a white christmas but right now it started raining so who knows how the weather will go.

Well my study pan so far is going ok. Finished drawing the diagrams for this part of my homework so thats some homework done already plus I finished typing out this questionnaire .

Oh , yeah I brought this new 2010 year planner . I really want the new year to come so I can start planning homework and journaling my weight loss. I think I need a planner since sometimes I forget little things that end up being really important. So, my motivation this week will be to work hard in the gym and finish the homework I will have something to write in my planner.

My day will go like this tomorrow:

6:50am-7:50 : gym/ 4-5 mile run/jog

8:20-8:30am : Breakfast

10:00am : homework or going out to exchange dress

12:00pm-1:00pm : Lunch / call student finance about loan for university

2:00pm: homework

4:00-5:00pm- Dinner

6:00pm -8:00pm : Martial arts

9:00pm : Bed

Restart week

Well I think a UK size ten is like a size 8 in America . I looked on one of those conversion charts some time ago.

Well I measure my waist this morning it was 26.8inches , the lower abdomen went from 33inches to now 32.5inches.

I'm looking to get back to the 26 inch waist I had at the start of the summer. Well I'm planning to weigh myself again on Monday . I call this week a restart week , where my body is getting used to this new routine.

The workout I did this morning was 5.10 mile jog / run . Where I experimented with different speeds. My leg muscles are kind of sore since I also experimented with the incline level where I would be walking really fast at 12.0 then running really fast with the speed at 6.1 with the incline level at 0.0.

disappointed

Went to the gym this morning .

My workout was 10 miles on the stationary bike that lasted 31minutes , then I moved on to the treadmill with the incline at 3.5 and speed of 5.0. I did the 40 minutes there. Well I have no idea whats going on but my weight went from 59kgs to 60kgs over one week.

I think it was due to the change in the mornings where I now start off with a pre-work out snack between 140- 250kcals. Since the mornings workouts on an empty stomach were almost making me throw up while jogging and it was stopping me from exercising to my full capacity.

So I guess the 2lbs I thought I lost over the two weeks was just carbohydrate stores or my body hanging on to that fuel since it thinks it won't be receiving any fuel anytime soon therefore this week I 'm starting again with losing the weight. Since my body again needs to adjust to this new routine .however I wasn't mistaken about the inches being lost and my stomach is definitely flatter and I still fit in nicely to UK size 10 jeans. I guess I got be patienced this week and follow my study plan and workout plan.

This has left me disappointed and today to be honest I had a fat day where I felt like a balloon and my father didn't make things any better by saying I looked better at 140lbs that made me feel really horrible. I said when I was at 140lbs I was classed as slightly overweight , that 120lbs looks anorexic to him. I'm thinking his going into two different extremes here that one. he preferred me overweight . Two . 120lbs is perfectly a healthy weight but he thinks it looks anorexic.

study/workout plan

Starting from tomorrow . I will start a study/workout plan .
So , I can finish college work and spend this time working out in the gym.
Tomorrow will be 4-5 mile jog on treadmill .

Then go home, at 10:00am start college work. Probably will start drawing the diagrams and scan it into the computer.

Well today took some measurements of myself.

Waist was 27inch now- 26.9inch
Thigh was 21inch now- 20.8inch.

Well that's a good sign I'm losing some weight but tomorrow morning is weigh in day. Hopefully will be back into the 20's range again. To be honest I feel much better now than I did in the summer holidays since I know I'am doing things right this time. Its funny really that I see my hands lose weight quicker than anywhere else that my rings are really loose and sometimes fall out.

Maybe on tuesday or wednesday I will go out and look for the dress , hopefully get some new clothes.

Christmas holidays and early gifts

Merry christmas , finally got out for christmas holidays . Well finally got my ring I ordered through ebay ... yehh. The christmas tree is up and I'm hunting a dress for christmas , I took a cute photo of Max sleeping owwwwww.

College

This 9 bar that I brought , I'm wrestling finshing to eat it ...

New book I borrowed from the public library about this blind psychic woman who regains her sight.

Studying and looking at her phone hmmmmmmmm.

Took a photo of my friend Vandhanna ,

Waiting outside the classroom , with the door locked.

Mother's behviour very addictive

Well , I had dinner with my mother , brother and sister. My father was still at the gym , well today was one of those days where talking with my mother gets heated , where I easily fall into the old behaviour of getting annoyed with her for asking questions that make no sense. For her to display her controlling behaviour , which just sets me off even more.

She's like 'why don't sleep later? , instead of waking up going to the gym early'
'you end up tired and looking like your gonna fall asleep on the spot'

I'm thinking 'One , I decided to change my routine so why bother questioning it ' Then I told her 'well the time you see me half asleep when its half eight in the night near to bed time'

Then I explain to her how I like to run my day on precise times even on the weekends like I make breakfast on saturdays since my mothers at work . However since she's just changed sunday nights shift to friday night. Last sunday morning she took one hour to have a shower and 30mins to get dressed , by that time it was half eight and I was already chewing my arm off to get something to eat . So when that happen I end up doing breakfast and even like that she isn't finshed changing , we ended up having breakfast at 9:30-40am.

When I ask to wake up at 7:20 am , she's 'just, one day in the week I wanna wake up later and you know that I like to take time and not be rushed and do things my own way.

I'm a little bit in shock and I say'well I wake up at 7:20am and thats not even early and on the week you wake up at 7:00am while I always wake up at 6-6:20am and I'm up and going .'

Seriously , my mother only like to do things on her own terms not on anyone elses . Where she sees she's losing her control on things she like shuts down on recieving any new ideas.

When things like this happen I notice I tend to want to emotional eat or just not eat .

My day today

This is how my tattoo looks like now , I guess you can call it my sign that people will recognise me by.

This was a part of the lunch I had , love these bars.

Took this photo aswell of the christmas lights.

Took a photo of the big christmas tree near the gym , in the early morning while walking .

My gym clothes I wear for my 5mile jog on the treadmill , actually did more than other days. By the way do you think I captured orbs of spirits in this photo , the lense was clean. Hmmm....

New phone yahhhhh

New shoes that my mother brought me yesterday.


Got new phone and its fucking cool. Touch screen which is really easy to use , a 12 mega pixel camera. Also has internet where I can use anywhere so that means I can maybe blogg in the classroom or just go on you tube. Its the first time I have been really excited about about a phone.

I'm thinking about doing every monday a weigh in , like I'll weigh myself in the morning on an empty stomach. The goal is to lose 5-10lbs by the end of december till the mid January.

So , I weighed myself today .. Yesterday I wasn't exactly on 130lbs it was more like 130.8lbs so today offically is 130lbs.

So in two weeks I have lost 2lbs from weight that was gained. That means I need to lose the 4lbs I have gained to take me back to 126lbs. From there carry on to lose 6lbs. This time round I know I'm on the right track and I have gut feeling that I stopped this weight gain that was going on.

Anyway shout out to Johnz really loved your comment and thanks as always for the advise. Oh and by the way I changed the template was that the posting comment box thing didn't appear couldn't be bothered to find out how to fix it.

Whats going on?

Today has been the tipping point... I know this may sound vain me going on about weight but people can never really know how it feels like to be once overweight and have so many misfortunes because your over weight. I guess its when my father and I had that coverstation about early gym mornings is when stopped the weight gain that was going on.

Since I felt like the black trousers I like wearing were getting tight , now there not tight. Its very difficult doing this kind of thing by yourself. With my emotions out of whack aswell it kind of gets muddled together. That are moment where I feel like my brain releases a spray and I get angry or snappy or just get really dark.

I guess this whole weight loss thing is something else I really really really want. I believe if you want something so much it can come true but I guess you are going to be tested to see if you deserve it.

I really don't care if it seems shallow , I don't really advertise this fact . Its just a 'work in progress' kind of thing. Everyone has a deep desire for some sort of goal , well obviously university always come first in my books.

In denial

Weighed myself today... found out I weigh 130lbs. Not surprised , I knew in the summer holidays I gained some weight since I went from eating really little to going and eating erratically , so I have gained 4 lbs but I know four weeks ago , I weighed 135lbs. Its only been fours weeks that I have finally found a normal eating pattern. Hopefully by mid december I should be back to 126lbs and for January aim for 120lbs.

It was kind of devestating , to find out I gained but I know this time around I'll lose the weight . I just don't want end up like a yo-yo dieter that would the worst thing ever.

cold.......

This book I borrowed from the college library , its for another homework that I have to give in after christmas.




Doing some homework here for college. However , its really cold maybe I'll put it down to low blood sugar levels. Right now my kitchen is been torn apart since the wiring in the kitchen is dodgy and the kitchen appliances keep on going off. However , my father knows the owner of our house is being ripped off since the electrician is going on about drilling holes ion the wall. So, my father has made it really clear that the job has to be finished today.

Meet max

Meet Max, his the dog I predicted that would be our next dog. It was like I saw in my head what our next dog would look like even before my father went to buy the dog. It came true , that was the most shocking think my prediction came true.

Strange , really fell in love with him first sight.... :) got martial arts in 30 mins