Blooming

Hi there , well my beloved and I made up ...
Smiles there , we had a very honest talk. Which thankly cleared up the air.
Well it looks like summers here since I see all the trees are blooming , I kind of feel like I'am blooming as well.

Ever since my beloved and I had that talk it felt like it has given me that freedom to feel human and the freedom in wanting. It like for so long , I have kept this intense control over my emotions since I was so afraid that if I just let myself 'feel' I would be back where I was four years ago. But through my converstation with my beloved , I found that I don't need to have this intense control since I have developed the mental skills needed to 'feel' and this was something I didn't have all those years ago.

In torment

Not doing so good at the moment , my beloved and I got into a tiff. He going on about how his going to let his beard grow and that he doesn't about my opinion regarding that and that his tired of trying to make people happy. That his looking at dating sites , about trying to find some one else to date , don't really know whether his bluffing or telling the truth. But , with him when we get into disagreements like this ; its like playing a game of chicken. Which one will gave first and beg for forgiveness.

But the trouble is , I here literally banging my head against the wall. Being unable to take this mental torture anymore. Trying my hardest not to overeat on food , which I think I'am successfully avoiding.

I really can't this anymore, he just doesn't realize the affect his words have on me. Where his rejection and critical words leave me in torment and contemplating suicide. I know it sounds dramatic but his the only person I can turn to.

To top it all of, tomorrow at 11:20am I have to go to the doctors to about starting the pill. This whole pill business , is new to me and since I haven't had me period for over a year now I wonder how this will affect me , when I start taking the pill.

I'm still alive

Hello, I'm alive or a least I think I'am
The end of the two week Easter holidays are coming to a close and I feel these two weeks I have had a chance to reflect and come to some realization about some choices I have made. I have recently stopped ignoring my hormonal disorder, which my means my fertility is really dodgy. Since I haven't a period in 1 year and 3 months , plus I get bad outbreaks of acne and hirutism (excess body hair).

Pretty much my condition , which has no cure and can only be managed; means I have unnatural high levels of testosterone in my system. That means I have a bit more masculine features than I like. Well my condition is mild since if I was overweight the symptoms would be more serve , therefore I have my good days and my bad days where I get breakouts of all sorts.
Well after coming back from a doctors appointment last tuesday , I went and bleached (peroxide) my arms since I was fed up with seeing how dark and how much hair was on my arms. I'm happy to say that it worked and the bleached the hair on my arms blonde , which creates the illusion that there isn't any hair on my arms.


However, my condition means that I can't gain weight over five lbs since it means my symptoms would get worse. Which is a bummer.

long time

Hi there,

Been a long time... Just been busy , stressed or just too tired to blog.
Well tomorrow I'am going to the university open day with my friend , it gonna one of those journeys where I have to go on the underground and travel by train. I guess the trip tomorrow will give some idea how my future journeys will be like once I get to university.

Well this Thursday will be the last day of college since Easter holidays will start on Friday. Which I'm glad but dreading at the same time since my father won't be getting any holidays that means being stuck with my mother and siblings there . Trust me when I say it will be dreadful , so my plan is to use the holidays to study and practice as much as I can for the ballet exam in may.


Right now , I'am just annoyed at particular things like food for example; I really dread the whole notion of eating now and only eat vegetables to smother out any hunger pangs. So far it has been working well , I guess you can say I'm 90% vegetarian the only time I eat chicken or meat is when dinner time arrives since my mother has some make shift dinner ready but even like that the chicken or meat is really small.

This whole going green thing has been doing wonders to my digestive system and it takes the stress about thinking what I'am going eat away.I guess this takes the pressure off in thinking what your gonna eat , making sure its the right portion and how many calories etc.

Any way ... see you all later

Grade 1 ballet / open day university

Hi there , lovely troopers

Well my days have been pretty busy , going to college , learning for maths.

But on a brighter note , I found out yesterday's ballet lesson that on the end of May is my grade 1 examination for ballet. When the my ballet teacher told me I was so happy , she was like 'I don't make any promises but you got to work hard this month to improve' she went on to say 'well what are we going to do about your tattoo ? hmm'

I was laughing my head off when she said that , I didn't take offense to that of course since the my ballet teacher is a really old woman. Then went of say how on the exam I shouldn't have any Jewellery , nail varnish and that my hair should be in a bun. Well, I was thinking 'there goes my haircut... since now I will need to grow out my hair even more to tie it back completely.

Aswell on the exam I will be wearing the leotard and pink tights and some ballet ribbons that I got to tie around my ankles.

This news made me excited , its feel like I'am working hard for a goal. It's like I'am slowly growing my dream over time to make it something bigger in my life.


Oh, at the end of this month . I will be going to a university open day thing with my father where for most of the day we will go in a tour. But , there's catch here with the university my teacher I have in wednesday and thursday's class goes to this university and when I applied for the biomedical course there. Put me in the 3-6 month course in biology and chemistry since the course I'am studying in college doesn't offer enough qualification needed to enter the biomedical course. My teacher says they asked him if he knew me and on that day he had all my coursework I gave to him about microbiology. So he showed them my work and vouched for me and if I do well on this biology and chemistry course I would go into the accelerated study thing where I would finish the course in 3 months opposed to 6months and I would have a guarantee place on the biomedical course I originally chose.


However, on this other university I applied to for the same gave me a conditional offer to the same course , I just need to do well in college and get a c or above in maths. Sooooooooo I'm confused on which one to accept the offer on , since if I think logically about it the course on forensic science I 'am studying in college does teach a lot of science but not really deep enough for that biomedical course . So I'am left think maybe the extra three months of biology and chemistry would give me the extra knowledge I need and plus my teacher goes to that university and he talks to the teachers there. Therefore, thats the reason why I'am going to the open day to see how the university looks like and the course runs and to see whether its worth it.

Leotard/ putting my sister on a pedal stool

This is leotard I order from Ebay
First I want to say Johnz you are a sweetie and I just read your last post. All I can say is 'it Sucks, big time'Well today , I received my ballet tights ... Lots of smiles there . Plus I received a CD as well of ballet music so I can learn how to listen to music and learn to keep on time.

Right now , I can say I have truly fallen in love with Ballet. I really want this to last , its like after each lesson ; I always leave feeling happy. I can say right now the goal is to get on pointe , when you are able to dance on your tip toes like the way ballerinas do. Thats what I want to work towards , see the way they move there feet leaves me enchanted. To be honest I really don't mind now that my sister isn't coming since her cynical remarks about Ballet has left me slightly annoyed and imagine when I brought my ballet shoes , I brought a pair for my sister aswell . Naively thinking that she would be exicted as me wearing them and practicing in them since each time I wear them I feel really special. However , my sister hasn't even touched them second her second lesson all those weeks back. It's not about the money , I could care less about the money its about the meaning behind . That I wanted for once to share the joy I was experiencing in learning such a beautiful art.

I guess , I'm putting my sister on a pedal stool and expecting so much from her. The only thing that keeps my temper in check is just remembering how I was when I was her age and that I had that hard core tomboy attitude going on there.

But, I think I had that mentally for a reason since of the abuse I had and I built that mentality as a coping mechanism. So, I guess I'm left here picking my brain thinking in what in god's name is my sisters reason for behaviouring this way????

I guess , I just wanted this once for someone to share the same interest as me but once again I'm left here embarking on this new adventure alone again since no one I know shares this interest like me.

Self-esteem

Today has been uneventful , just spent the day doing college work. Finished doing two essays which means I finished another unit of work. Yeah me ....

Next weekend my beloved has the weekend of soooooooo him and I are having a get together after being apart for so long. Plus , he will be having more weekends of in the future . Where he will only have to work on weekends every two weeks , you don't know how happy I'm that he has finally changed his work hours . Truly , I have been going crazy without him but I hope doesn't notice my skin too much since it has truly starting to resemble a cobbled road and has the texture of sand paper. HUH :[

I think of the attributes of myself that makes me look grotesque is my skin , at times it looks fine even passable for normal but on the bad days which is now often . It looks horrible.

But, enough of picking apart my self-esteem. I guess when it comes to deeper issues of my person appearance , I tend to ignore other details of myself since I know if I address those issues like now. I will start picking apart all my physical flaws , just trust me it won't be pretty.